"I yearn to make love to you," a beautiful boy whispered in my ear. We snuggled in a dim corner of Bagel Czar (formerly known as Nancy Raygun and, before that, as Twisters), Richmond's premier independent rock venue where punk music enthusiasts meet, greet, schmooze, booze, and plan the release of obscure "emocore" records. "However, I've got to go home and walk my dogs."
"What dogs are these?" I demanded.
"Well," my pretty young thang explained. "I have two dogs that compliment my lifestyle and aesthetics. One is large - one is small."
"What breed is the large dog?" I inquired.
"Well," my beau replied. "The large dog is a Doberman Pinscher. He is big. He is beastly. He is vicious, dominant, wears a spiked collar, lives on a diet of raw hamburger, and loves to mate. He is not neutered. He lifts his leg to mark his territory and does not suffer the foolishness of other dogs. When he defecates, the stools are large and solid. When I walk him off-leash in Richmond's lush forests, he hunts down wild animals and devours them. He is a symbol of the beast in me - the physical representation of the testosterone that rages in my veins."
"What is his name?" I queried.
"Male," my macho man replied.
"And what of the small dog?" I entreated
"Well," my suitor explained. "The small dog is a Chihuahua. She is tiny, but hard-headed. She is delicate, but always knows what she wants, and what she wants is a mate. Clad in a pink Hello Kitty dog-sweater, she struts Richmond's streets even on the coldest nights in search of a lover, swinging her delicate hips from side to side and casting off an intoxicating scent to attract the innumerable stray dogs who come sporting their little pink erections, panting with desire. She is Venus. She is Earth-Flower-Goddess-Mother. She is the Lady of the Lake. She owns the night. She is the physical representation of the woman inside me."
"What is her name?" I asked.
"Female," my more-than-friend replied. "Male and Female - my two dogs, the loves of my life."
"Your dogs?" I inquired. "do they get along?"
"99% of the time," my lover replied. "But not at the movies."
"Why not?" I entreated.
"Well," my lover sighed. "Predictably, Male likes action films. Female likes romantic comedies starring Jennifer Aniston or Jennifer Lopez."
"How do you resolve the dispute?" I wondered aloud.
"It's not easy," my suitor explained. "We usually have to rent 'Romancing the Stone' or 'Romancing the Stone 2: Jewel of the Nile.'"
Previously in Tangents:
- 12/28: Terrible Boyfriend/ Girlfriend Generator.
- 11/2: PHOTOS: TAXLO Halloween (feat. Chain Gang of 1974)
- 10/10: #OccupyWallStreet
- 8/10: PHOTOS: Lawn Mover Racing, Eastern Seaboard Regionals @ Bowles Farm
- 7/26: Special List: Things the BYGays Want Now That We Can Marry In DC (and NY!)
- 7/20: PHOTOS: Artscape
- 7/19: Miho Hatori's Guide to New York City
- 4/11: Cirque Du Soleil: Totem (A Review)
- 12/29: War, Reenacted
- 12/29: What in Hell is Slaughterama?!?
God loves a cheerful giver.
Finally, I like one of these.
agreed.
that was the worst.