Brightest Young Things

"Lust," I proclaimed. "Lust is what drives us in our lives as people and in our work as artists. Every time we make a record, every time we play a show, every time we strike a profitable publishing or licensing deal, we strum our guitars and/or schmooze in the service of lust."

The audience sat speechless, stunned by my poignant observation. As the keynote speaker at the SXSW Speaker Panel "Music: Why We Make It, And What It Means," I was holding forth to an audience of 750 music bigwigs.

"So when I wrote 'Born to Run,' I was driven by lust?" asked Bruce Springsteen. The Boss had shown up early with a flair pen and a spiral notepad, and was eagerly recording my every word.

"Indeed," I replied. "The sexual subtext of your popular composition lies in your use of the noun 'tramps.' 'Tramps like us/baby, we were born to run,' you intone. What a funny word to put into a song! Why not 'dudes like us,' or 'fellas like us,' or 'chaps like us?' Clearly, 'tramp' has a sexual connotation and, consciously or subconsciously, you invoke it."

"Goddamn," Springsteen replied. "Well, I done never thought of that, sir."

"So, hold on - 'Allentown' isn't about economic hard times in rust belt Pennsylvania, but about lust?" Billy Joel asked. The aging piano man, his hairless dome covered by a Yankees cap, and repeatedly rolled his eyes during my lecture.

"Of course," I replied. "Think about your own lyrics - lines such as 'it's HARD to keep a good man down' and 'it's getting very HARD to stay.' Though superficially about America's industrial decline, your composition identifies prosperity with manhood, and the lack of prosperity with sexual impotence. I can't think of another song that so ably maps money's connection to the carnal act - well, except maybe 'Uptown Girl.'"

"What can I say?" Joel demanded. "Christie WAS living in a white-bread world."

"Wait," David Geffen injected. The aging industry executive was as bald and determined-looking as ever. "You're saying when I signed Sonic Youth in the early 1990's, I was driven by lust?"

"Of course," I replied. "As a child of the 1960's who worked with legends like The Eagles, Tom Waits, and Jackson Browne, there was no financial or artistic reason for you to gamble on 1990's alt-rock acts like Sonic Youth, Weezer, and Sloan. Yet, you were compelled to express your sexuality by appearing 'with-it' and 'hip' through your connection to youth culture and much-discussed collection of high-modernist artwork. Even as you lost your hair and, one suspects, your virility, your successful transference of your libido into successful business deals has made you one of the the richest gay men in America. Kudos!"

"Hmmm," Geffen murmured. "I'll never look at a non-exclusivity clause the same way again."

"In conclusion," I concluded. "Lust is here, there, and everywhere - in our tour buses, in our studios, in every concert venue, and in this room." I cleared my throat. "Lust is all around us."

"I don't know if I agree," Michael Jackson chirped from the back of the room, his penetrating, Liz Taylor eyes obscured beneath reflective sunglasses.

"Oh, come on, Michael," I sighed. "Do you wanna be startin' somethin'?"

Previously on...

Previously in Tangents:

• 12/28: Terrible Boyfriend/ Girlfriend Generator.
• 11/2: PHOTOS: TAXLO Halloween (feat. Chain Gang of 1974)
• 10/10: #OccupyWallStreet
• 8/10: PHOTOS: Lawn Mover Racing, Eastern Seaboard Regionals @ Bowles Farm
• 7/26: Special List: Things the BYGays Want Now That We Can Marry In DC (and NY!)
• 7/20: PHOTOS: Artscape
• 7/19: Miho Hatori's Guide to New York City
• 4/11: Cirque Du Soleil: Totem (A Review)
• 12/29: War, Reenacted
• 12/29: What in Hell is Slaughterama?!?