Welcome to Bellman Barker’s Mustache Diary. You’ll be following us on a journey through five states in five days on our way back to the Velvet Lounge for a show on Saturday, October 27th. Each day, we’ll also profile someone we meet that has a great mustache.

Today, we’re in Maryland…

On Saturday we played the St. Mary’s County Oyesterfest. We highly recommend this show to bands tired of playing the dive bar circuit: we got great sound, a big stage, a built-in crowd, pretty good pay and lots of oysters. We even got to pet poinies.

When we visited the Farm Museum on the fairgrounds, we met Christina Allen, who seemed to be acting as a kind of curator. Mrs. sat at a spinning wheel, spinning black wool that she had sheared from her own sheep. She was also a really good conversationalist.

Mrs. Allen was REALLY into sustainable living, but she didn’t mind indulging us by engaging in a friendly conversation about cannibalism. Here’s a little snippet of the conversation:

Mrs. Allen: And this woman asked me, you don’t have any of these kinds of problems with your sheep, right? [referring to her troublesome children] And I said, well, if we have trouble with one of our sheep, we just eat them. [laughter] And of course, she said, “ohhhh, well, that’s not an option with children!” [more laughter]

Matt: I mean, I feel like, given the right kind of diet, I’m sure, if you roast ‘em [children] on a spit…

Mrs. Allen: They taste like pork.

Matt: I feel like children would have good cracklin’

Mrs. Allen: They do, they do. No, they do – we do taste like pork.

Matt: Yeah, we’re white meat. I guess for humans, pork isn’t just a verb, it’s also a noun.

Steve: The other white meat.

Mrs. Allen: Hahaha. But, now, what was I going to say…

Steve: I don’t know – you were talking about eating kids.

John: Yeah, you were talking about eating babies - we’ve got to go…

[laughter]

Mrs. Allen: If you really wanted to eat a tender, good human, you really have to get a young, prepubescent male. That’s what you’re eating with every other livestock-

Matt: See, I thought it would be female-

Mrs. Allen: No, no – an overly fatted young male would be the best [crosstalk] which would be most kids that go to McDonalds, really.

Steve: No, no, no, no, no, I want a kid that’s raised like a veal calf. [crosstalk] You know, one that’s in a box so he can’t lick his own urine to get iron-

Matt: See, I always thought it would be more like a twelve year-old marble-muscled female.

Mrs. Allen: Ew… Well, maybe a female would be okay, but they don’t grow as fast I think, but maybe they do, I don’t know-

Matt: Yeah, the hormones-

Mrs. Allen: Yeah, well, you don’t want the hormones – hormones taint the meat.

Matt: Yeah, hormones mess up the meat.

Steve: Yeah, but you really want a fatty, marbled-

Matt: Yeah, you want a good marbled meat.

Steve: But what if you had a kid that was raised like a veal calf-

Mrs. Allen: A veal calf? [incredulous tone] Do you know how they raise veal calves?

Steve: No, I do [insistent].

Mrs. Allen: It’s milk fat.

Steve: That’s what I’m talking about. A milk-fed kid that’s in a box that can’t turn around and lick its own urine to get iron.

Mrs. Allen: You know, it’s like these kids that never get exercise; they’re pale; they never see the light of day and they’re fat-

Matt: Yeah, give him a play-thing – give him a video game.

Mrs. Allen: Yeah, exactly! Give him a video game and some Doritos.

Steve: Veal calves aren’t fat! They’re lean…vicious…

Mrs. Allen: So, what we’re you going to say?

Steve: I’m just saying – if you raised a child like you raise a veal calf…

Mrs. Allen: It’d be horrible. I don’t eat veal. I think it’s cruel to the cow.

Steve: It’s very, very cruel. It’s delicious. [lip smacking sound]

Mrs. Allen: I will not eat chicken from a supermarket or a restaurant because I know how it’s raised and-

Steve: Man, chickens get it worse than anybody…they rip their beaks off…

Matt: I mean, they’re hormone-injected.

Mrs. Allen: I will not eat chicken in a…My philosophy is once you know something, how can you un-know it?

Matt: Easy. [points to beer in his hand.]

[Laughter]

Mrs. Allen:: Good point.

Steve: I am just going to eat the cruelest food. From here on out, I’m only eating veal and foix gras.

Mrs. Allen: YOU ARE NOT!

[Laughter.]

And, for the part you’ve all been scrolling down for: MUSTACHE!!!!

After the show, we adjourned to a lake house that a friend of ours had rented for the evening. There we met up with Louie “Slim” Spinelli, who informed us of his life plan to purchase a gun boat and use it to enforce the maritime laws of Mozambique by capturing illegal South Korean fish poachers. He figures this will make millions. He told us this one hour prior to kidnapping our keyboardist Steve and paddling out into the Chesapeake Bay at midnight, where he purposely capsized their kayak…

See you tomorrow in Delaware.

BB

 Send to a Friend