Ahhh… Kentucky: home of bourbon, horses, bluegrass and, as of May 2007, The Creation Museum.
In the same month that this $27 million museum opened its doors, Chris Matthews asked a group of Republican presidential candidates standing on a stage at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library to please raise their hand if they disagreed with the theory of evolution. Three out of ten public servants proudly raised their hands in defense of creationism. This isn’t all that surprising considering that, according to a 2001 Gallup poll, about 45% of Americans believe that "God created human beings pretty much in their present form at one time within the last 10,000 years or so." As a quick reference to other American superstitions, I retrieved this chart for you from the Harris Poll:
After 2 years of intense curiosity, my parents and I made the southern pilgrimage, 55 minutes from my suburban Cincinnati childhood home.
.
We arrived at 11am behind the initial rush of 10am die-hard believers and bus loads of Amish people. The exterior and interior of the building was an impressive work of architecture in itself. It would fit neatly along the national mall with any of the Smithsonian institutions. My father went to the will-call line to pick up our $22 tickets he had purchase online, while my stepmother and I stood mesmerized by 50-inch flat screens with flashy graphics.
Check out their slick intro video: http://creationmuseum.org/about/
The first thing we see is a big green screen, where each new entry can have their picture superimposed with a T-Rex or Noah’s arch. From there I turn the corner to see wax humans drinking from a stream beside animatronic velociraptors. There’s a giant wolly mammoth skeleton and fossils everywhere. This is all before I even get through the main entrance. It gets the kids excited and distracts the minds of adults who are about to be bluntly faced with the greatest theoligical enigma of all time: human reason vs. god’s word.
The first part of the museum is divided into columns. Column 1 is questionable information gathered by humans. Column 2 is the infallible word of god. Timelines, fossils, models, and pictures offer two different viewpoints and it’s up to me to decide which is right.
In my quest for knowledge I noticed that there were no docents, experts who stand around a museum and answers questions (although there were plugs for a website www.answersingenesis.org). In fact, I didn’t see one security guard. I could have posed the animals on Noah’s Ark into lude sexual positions and no one would have stopped me. Of course a room full of Christians would have condemned me to hell and, like always, god would have been watching me and silently judging.
Around 11:45am I realized my parents and I had lost track of time. We were about to lose our seats for “Lucy, she’s no Lady”, in which Dr. David Menton, Phd in biology from Brown University, “exposes the evolutionary propaganda in a side-splitting depiction.” There was a sudden bottleneck around the geological exhibit. "Hey obese lady in a wheel chair, what the hell is taking so long?"
I cut ahead and explain to the woman and her driver that my parents and I need to get to the main theater. Turns out she’s also trying to get there! Well okay then! I began parting the sea of mouth-breathers with my new handicapped friend and my parents in tow. “Out of the way luddites! This poor lady needs to get a front row seat for a jam-packed hour of misinformed claptrap!”
We got to the theater just in time. Dr. Menton’s talk was actually surprisingly thorough and convincing. His claim is that Lucy, the 4 million year old hominid skeleton fossil, was actually a gorilla and not a human as some evolutionists have theorized. It turns out there is actually no reason to believe this woman walked like a Project Runway contestant. Her wrists were built to lock in place, implying she walked on her hands. Her knees came together at a 9-degree angle, much closer to the 15-degrees of a gorilla’s knees and not at all similar to 0-degree homo sapien knees. Other charts and graphs made it clear that the Doctor had done his homework. I was sold - Lucy, a.k.a. Australopithecus, was not human.
Dr. Menton has been a professor for 35 years at Washington University (my alma mater!). I would not dare take this man on in any debate of anatomy or biology. His approach to understanding organic life was right on par with the most studious doctors and scientists in America. But his final leaping claim, that humans are moral only if they believe in a Christian god, flies in the face of the scientific method as it has developed over hundreds of years and, incidentally, it has nothing to do with biology. Lord it would have been fun to have him as my professor. I later approached him in the gift shop and thanked him for a very stimulating presentation. I told him I was a Wash U grad. “Did you make it through with your faith in tact?” he asked. Aahahahaha!!!
“You could say that. But I wasn’t asking any of the tough questions like you Dr. Menton. I was in the Business School where they’re jumping over a whole different set of moral hurdles.” He laughed. He was a very warm, light-hearted man who happens to have millions of misfiring synapses somewhere deep inside his cerebral cortex.
My parents and I then had to go back through the main entrance and start over again somewhere after Noah’s Ark. We took our time to read every display, and our questions were answered one by one like clockwork.
Q: Did humans live with dinosaurs?
A: God made Adam and Eve on the same day as land animals. So dinosaurs and people lived at the same time.
Q: But if that’s true why haven’t we found any human bones with dinosaur fossils?
A: None have been discovered yet. But they could be out there.
Carbon dating is a little tedious. The easy explanation is that “when a scientist’s interpretation of data does not match the clear meaning of the text in the Bible, we should never reinterpret the Bible. God knows just what He meant to say, and His understanding of science is infallible, whereas ours is fallible.” You can find a much more technical explanation at www.answersingenesis.org But why would you want to question the word of God?
For the first time in my adult life I had an answer for everything. I was also surrounded by beautiful pictures and artifacts that assured me the Earth is truly an awesome place. I felt a serene calm wash over me.
And there was surprisingly no mention of Jesus Christ - not one picture of the man who died for all our sins. Instead the message seemed to be: let’s not talk about the whole Jesus thing right now… Isn’t God great? Look! He created dinosaurs, gardens, a petting zoo with Zorses…everything! He even shaped Eve’s boobs, which I’m not allowed to see, but I’m sure they’re perfect. He even fashioned Adam with a perfect hipster beard.
I blew $86 in the gift shop. In total we spent 7.5 hours there. As we drove away from the museum, my Jedi mind began to reset itself. I suspect I was subjected to an intentional deprivation of oxygen that led to warped thought processes. But even as my cynicism came rushing back, I couldn’t deny that everyone at the museum was really nice. Not once did I get the urge to kidnap every child and call protective services. I had more personal interactions than I’ve ever had at The National Gallery or The Air and Space Museum. I would have left my car doors unlocked and not given it a second thought.
I must admit that there is plenty of evidence supporting the theory that humans are NOT evolving: Ultimate Fighting... McNuggets... Sarah Palin. Polls show that we haven’t changed our thinking much in the last 150 years since Darwin first proposed his “theory”. Unfortunately, it looks like we are facing some pretty tough challenges as a species. So if it’s true that we’re not getting any better, and we are just the same perfect lump of clay that we were 6,000 years ago, then I’m afraid the rapture is surely on its way.
reason = change = survival
I’m a big fan of survival.
Go to the Creation Museum. You’ll have a blast.
Learn more and buy tickets at their website www.creationmuseum.org (not really sure what makes them a “.org” considering the massive profit they turn every year).
Now PLEEEEASE leave some dogmatic claims and/or snarky comments!
Previously in comedy:
- 2/7: LiveDC: Demetri Martin @ Warner Theatre
- 1/24: LiveDC: Adam Carolla @ Fillmore
- 1/20: Behind The Desk 32: Eddie Brill Is Common
- 1/17: LiveDC: JB Smoove @ 930 Club
- 12/8: Tom Arnold - Up Close & Very Nice
- 12/5: LiveDC: Michael Ian Black @ Sixth and I Synagogue
- 12/5: Lauren Weedman-BUSTED
- 12/1: R.I.P. Patrice O'Neal - brilliant 1969 to 2011
- 11/30: BYT Interview: Michael Ian Black
- 10/4: Laugh Track: Joe Rogan @ Warner Theatre
God loves a cheerful giver.
okay, so that map of the US: do the numbers on each state represent the number of electoral votes that state has, or is it the number of wacky, ironic, cute activities hipsters can do there (and take LOTS of pictures for the internet!) whilst feeling superior to the attendees of said events who actually take the shit seriously? or is it both?
Democrats, Republicans, Creationists = same/same.
Amazing.
@shitpipe - seeing as how i could only find 3-4 cute/ironic things to do when i lived in Indiana, it's probably just electoral votes. good question though!
I was also going to suggest that DC would surely have more than 3...
dan, you were not trying hard enough. come on, indiana is surely full of overweight, stupid "regular" americans. there must have been a ton of carnivals or other social events that you and your mustachioed friends could have attended. or maybe some chain restaurants filled with people who don't have, like, gabriel garcia marquez novels on their bookshelves (which will never be read), wear ill-fitting thrift store clothes, have ironic facial hair, and the like. that makes for funny pics. you could have found more than 3-4 irony opportunities in indiana.
Lets get back to making fun of the creation museum shitpipe, no irony there. Brainwashing your kids into disregarding science for religion is child abuse, and "museums" like this are complicit in that. Stop being distracted by the mustaches and pick some real battles.
for someone who doesn't want the government interfering in life, that's a pretty broad definition of child abuse.
Jason - what about "brainwashing" your kids into thinking football practice is more important than homework? 'cause if that's true pretty much the entire state of Texas has some 'splainin to do.
I agree with Angie... This is/was amazing.
@shitpipe - I know! Patrick's dad is such a fucking hipster with his ironic floral print shirt!!
Seriously though, you don't have to be an elitist hipster to feel superior to those stupid "regular" Americans that take the Creation Museum seriously, anybody can do it! Shitpipe, just look deep in that hipster-circa-2002-hating heart of yours and you'll find that you too loathe the intelligent design cult just as much as we do, no irony needed!
Buy yeah, what Jason said, let's take the hipster debate here: http://shitshow.brightestyoungthings.com/comments.php?DiscussionID=502&page=1
@shitpipe - eating at chain restraunts and having a mustache isn't ironic in Indiana, it's normal. nothing cute about eating at TGIFridays when thats the best restraunt in town. thanks for the encouragment though, i'll try to be more ironic if i move back!
you don't have to be hip or ironic to find the creation museum fascinating and/or laughable. although i majored in evolutionary biology (not marketable) so i guess my opinion is skewed. I'd feel different if they had a priest lecturing about how creation is IT. then this article would be more akin to mocking a church service. but if you're gonna say the bible is science, then it should be open to critique like all other scienctific study
Ahhahaha! Cale, leave my Pop out of this!
ATTENTION: Creationism or Scientology?
I have a beautiful T-Rex Creation Museum coffee mug for the person who can give me the most convincing argument for either. Redeemable at Capitol Skyline on Saturday.
omg, pat. this is brilliant. i laughed my ass off.
wow. regardless of what anyone believes, this was awesome. byt needs more of pat! this was super clever in a really good way.
p.s. "what about “brainwashing” your kids into thinking football practice is more important than homework? ’cause if that’s true pretty much the entire state of Texas has some ’splainin to do." hahahahahahaha. sooooooooooo true. also goes for oklahoma. go sooners!
@Becca: huh?
I agree with everyone except shitpipe.
was there an explanation as to why hybrid animals can't breed? i want a zorse. or a hebra.
and i'm glad to know that noah was on the ark with two t-rex's.
I'm glad that the debate is now closed on Adam & Eve. I always knew that God would make the first people white just like me.
I actually used to be very religious until the Army sent me to a bunch of war zones filled with people who don't look like me, think like me, or believe in the same things I do. All the while those people are killing other people who DO look like them, but don't think like them, or believe in the things they believe in. It was the confusing.
Also, shooting guns is fun except when you're scared.
Also, also why was there a Zorse there? i'm not understanding what interspecies 'gettin' it on' proves in Gods petting zoo.
@ shitpipe: Whats wrong buddy? Can't grow your own mustache? No one reads Marquez anymore, it's all Ruiz Zafon these days. Also, I don't think his Dad had a mustache in the pics, or his Mom for that matter.
@shitpipe Why are we supposed to be feeling bad about laughing at people "who take this shit seriously" when the "shit" is a museum dedicated to propagating a bullshit religious retort to a legitimate scientific theory?
I also second @asswrench the question about @shitpipe hating on mustaches. My dad has a mustache!
To be clear the above "Pat" is not me, Pat Longstreth, the author.
"@shitpipe Why are we supposed to be feeling bad about laughing at people “who take this shit seriously” when the “shit” is a museum dedicated to propagating a bullshit religious retort to a legitimate scientific theory?"
oh, we should not feel bad about laughing at idiots. however, going to the trouble to go to their events/museums/restaurants/whatever and pose for zany, silly pictures is the part of the whole thing with which i take issue.
i mean, yeah, people who believe in creationism are probably, for the most part, stupid. so what? do we need pictures of some douche with a mesh hat and a shirt with an elk or wolf on it, posing next to a diorama of jesus riding a dinosaur, throwing up the devil horns and making a goofy face? what is the point of that? shit is tired.
actually, this entry wasn't really that terrible as far as this site is concerned, but fuck it. i came in here to rip on you anyway. any state fairs coming up?
This is quite possibly the most ridiculous blog ever assembled. First of all, who is this author? Billy Mays, god rest his soul, is turning over in his grave with your masquerading. Portrayal of his image as being not down with the JC will have significant negative impact on his posthumous Q3 sales. Word.
Second, if evolution is real, as you scoff on this page, then why hasn't my dog cuddles learned a damn thing? I was just chilling in the dog park the other day, and the ice cream man came by pushing his kid crack. One ankle biter was lured in by the chocoTaco. Halfway though, the kid got distracted and set his chocoTaco down. Cuddles was all over that thing like lickity split. Cuddles love chalupas from TB, but is too dumb to learn that he is lactose intolerant. He crapped double time the whole way home like a baggy g-string. Evolve that!
LOW HANGING FRUIT
please tell me you got an extra baseball hat for me. pat, jack and i will always laugh at your observations.
evolution has definitely not taken its course on you lefty. and billy mays is the devil. my uncle used Mighty Putty® to fix a leak and he ended up with a flooded basement which ruined his entire collection of antique soviet calculators! lefty you are even dumber than shitpipe. evolution has nothing to do with whether you are lactose intolerant, it has to do with scienece hypothysis. you are a silly american who knows only about dogs ice cream and JC. i hate billy mays and i think the author guy looks more like Ben Rothelsburger or Wade Boggs than "the pitchman."
PS - Shitpipe. I seriously suggest you considering plant based alternatives in your smoking device - it's called excrement for a reason. It might clear your mind enough to realize that there was not one single piece of mesh in Billy Mays' posting. Did you have some horned rimmed, bearded buffoon and his band of merry wanna's crash your quinceanera and take photos of you petting your pony? If that happened, that sucks man. I totally feel your anger. But in this case, you missed the mark. Billy has made a connection with the Truth.
dreamcatcher, you are absolutely out of your mind. If he shaved his mustache I will give you Kieth Hernandez, but don't even talk about the Boggs. I bet you are a Frenchman. I put my pants on two legs at a time just like every other freedom fry eater I know. Here's a hypothesis for you: if evolution is real, dreamcatcher is an example of de-evolution.
After all this not one mention of the Menonites in the pictures. C'mon hipsters you can do better!
shitpipe Says: shit is tired.
Jesus says: "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?"
I LOVED THIS!! So funny. I think I would have been more amazed at the Amish people. Those really exist?
Also, I took a Bible study class (mandatory) in high school that covered all of this material so I'd be able to defend my Christian faith. Then I went to college to live in sin. Maybe I should never have abandoned it though, creationism is clearly more exciting. They got to have SUPER VOLCANOES!! And a boat party with dinosaurs. And zombies. And Myrrh. Whatever that was. Probably cool though.
Creationism is great, man.
It's just not science. Therein lies the rub...
The Amish people really are living fossils.
So, if God created everything, and knows everything, this means he knew beforehand that Lucifer would rebel and become Satan, that Eve would eat the apple and sin would enter the world, right? I mean that's just common sense.
So why did God create child rape?
are you sure they were amish? i didn't think amish were allowed to rid in vehicles, but i know mennonites are.
"Jesus says: “And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?”"
hating on shit that sucks--you and this blog and all your friends, for instance--never gets old. so i aint got shit in my eye, you closet homo.
it's not this blog, it's the system, shitpipe. the establishment,.
I think creationism is good in a sense that one better be creative at things and less good in other senses.
Love this!
Sleeping on the ark with two t-rex just chillin' is a comforting thought...oh wait.
@shitpipe
Wait, who are you calling a closet homo, me or Jesus? Cause we all know Jesus did it for the chicks...
ps. right, no shit in your eye, just a little cum
haha, shitpipe has pink eye!
shitpipe and cale - you are both missing the real debate. Who does the author of the entry look more like Billy Mays or Wade Boggs? It's time to pipe your shit on dreamcatcher. He is the real villain here. god sure didn't mean to create him. He was texting and driving at the same time and dreamcatcher snuck one past him. I no more believe in poking fun at Mennonites than I believe that dreamcatcher is anything other than the pseudonym the author of this creationism is using to chat. A little presumptuous, don't you think? The guy is trying to spread a rumor on the chats on his own blog entry that he looks like Wade Boggs. That's just pure insanity. That's like reversing a double negative.
DREAMCATCHER=Joke.
Obvi the author looks more like Billy Mays, the coked up camera whore.
Listen people- Obviously, a T-Rex would eat everything on board Noah's Ark except for maybe all the "creepy things."
Where do we draw the line ladies and gentlemen?
I can't decide which is more entertaining here; the actual write-up or the comments thread..
The fact that so many people are engaging the overall "It's not nice to make fun of idiots via goofy demoralizing photos" argument is pathetic. Truth is- it's technically eff'd up, but everyone does it to their own degree. SURPRISE!Some even do it by lashing out at "blogs" and "rippin" on everyone involved
I am not DREAMCATCHER! Grrrr!
Book I'm reading right now, it's pretty entertaining so far:
Good Book: The Bizarre, Hilarious, Disturbing, Marvelous, and Inspiring Things I Learned When I Read Every Single Word of the Bible by David Plotz
Why does religion mean so much to so many people, hmmmmmmm?
cause we’re evolutionarily wired for it.
oh wait... is that too ironic for shitpipe?
Personally I appreciated this article. I knew the Creationist Museum existed but I'll probably never go to KY, let alone a museum in KY that costs $22.00 and is dedicated to bullshit.
I found the pictures of the exhibits to be hilarious and horrifying in equal measure.
Also, humans and raptors could drink at the same watering hole. RAPTORS ARE ALWAYS. HUNGRY.
Pat - "My Creator" needs a museum of his own.
Thanks, Pat - you sinning heathen.
my next craiglist search: Zorse.