Brightest Young Things

It's about a week until Valentine's Day, and I've got a rundown of a few projects you can do ahead of time. I'm sure there are some anti-Valentine's Day people out there, but that's OK, I've included a few items that could be of interest to those who are bitterly (or happily) single.

There are a few things to remember when attempting DIY gifts. Clearly, we are (mostly) all adults, and I would imagine a lot of us have matured to a point where thoughtfulness trumps price when it comes to gifts. However, that doesn't mean that a terrible job can be excused because it was "homemade." This isn't like the first grader giving his dad (who doesn't even smoke) a poorly made ashtray. If you try to make a gift, and realize it looks like the aftermath of a tornado going through a Michaels, please for the love of God buy some flowers and a box of chocolate instead.

So, I'm going to run through some brief, albeit sappy ideas, and then to a few things that are a bit more intricate, as well as more adult oriented.

Decoupage

This is one of those "thoughtful" and romantic ideas. Decoupage in general involves cutting and pasting items onto something, and then putting a protective coating (generally glue) over the creation. The ideas I suggest here are not exactly the "textbook" definition of Decoupage, but along the same lines.

Like this picture, but with more things glued on, and not quite as froofy.

Memory Box: Think of a theme that fits your guy or girl. Something they are interested in... if I were to create one for my special someone it would most likely involve Russia or the Soviet Union. In that case, I'd probably head over to a used book store (or the library, recall that they sell old National Geographics for $0.25) and pick up some really cheap books related to that theme. Cut out pictures and/or words/text that look interesting and fit the theme. Next, pick up a small unfinished wooden box. I'd suggest going to Ipso Crafto over at Barracks Row, but unfortunately they have closed. You might have to go to a Michaels or A.C. Moore. A small box, generally about 4-6" wide runs very cheap, probably about $5. You'll want to sand the box (use fine grit sandpaper), and if you feel extra creative, you can stain it. Once you've prepped it, glue your cut out photos or text using spray adhesive or brushed contact cement. To finish, you'll need a topcoat. I'd suggest using Shellac (a coat dries in about 10 minutes). If you purchase amber Shellac, you can even skip staining. Now, take some felt (you can purchase it at most hardware or craft stores, look for things designed to line desk drawers) and carefully glue it on the inside. To finish, and be extra romantic, take some items you have collected over time (ticket stubs, photobooth photos, other small mementos) and place them in the box. Additionally, write down some of your favorite memories (relating to the relationship) and place them in the box as well. If you take your time with this, the result can be beautiful.
Estimated cost: Under $15, ~$20 if you purchase stain or paint.

Scrapbook Frame: This is along the same lines as the box, but simpler. You can decoupage a basic, cheap picture frame if you'd like. Otherwise, use a standard, cheap frame ($5 at Target). Cut out some decorative paper (or use regular construction paper, if you're cheap) to work as a background. Take some items similar to the ones mentioned above, and place them in the frame along with a photo of you and your sweetie. Maybe even throw in a dried flower if you're being extra sappy. Guys, if you pull this off in a thoughtful way, your girl will forget you used CRAFTS and will love that you have a sensitive, creative side.

Now, the last of the fluffy gifts. Have you heard of a treasure candle? Well, you're about to. The basic idea is to make your own homemade candle, but to place a small little "gift" in the wax. The idea is when the candle melts down, you get the gift. Kind of like a tootsie pop, but without the frankly kind of creepy sexual references. This project involves learning the art of candle making, which is sort of outside the realm of my expertise. I'm not even going to pretend to have made candles before, because I respect my readers enough not to ask them to suspend disbelief that much. Instead, I will refer you to this guide, hopefully written by someone who knows more than me about this. I'm not completely convinced because they suggest putting "money" in the candle, and that seems ridiculous. Jewelry would be the best bet. And you should make it a scented candle. I don't suggest putting an engagement ring in a treasure candle.

Moving along...

OK, now onto some "do it yourself" projects that can be used by yourself, or with your Valentine. In case the quotation marks around "do it yourself" didn't give it away, I'm totally talking about sex toys.

As you would expect, there's a good collection of instructions on the Internet for homemade sex toys. Most of these instructions, however, assume a fairly advanced degree of electrical knowledge. However, I'm sure there exists at least one or two electrical engineers in the audience so perhaps some of these are right "up your alley."

SymToys has instructions for how to build some simple remote control vibrators. These require dismantling both a vibrator and a remote control car, so if that seems out of your skill set, don't bite off more than you can chew. The last thing you want to do is surprise your honey with a vibrator that sparks and then bursts into flames. I promise you that sounds a lot hotter than it actually is.

For those into crafts rather than mechanics, you can get the Clone-A-Willy kit.

What is CLONE-A-WILLY?

It's a set of tools for keeping a memento of your special someone.

Designed by a Doctor, this kit perfectly copies a man’s very own penis in super-realistic rubber. What would your favorite penis be like if it were always erect and could also vibrate?

Each kit comes with easy-to-follow instructions and includes everything necessary to produce an accurate rubber copy of any penis. These are the same top-quality materials being used in the film industry to create special effects. Use these State-of-the-Art materials to create your own copy of any penis right at home. Contains no latex. usable with any lube.

Ladies (and I suppose some gentleman), even if you don't have a Valentine this year, nothing gives Hallmark the finger like sitting at home dismantling a RC car to build yourself a remote control vibrator. Possibly you could top that by putting some anal beads in a treasure candle. Just make sure you and your honeypea are on the same page--nothin' says creepy like some anal beads in a treasure candle on the third date. Unless, you know... well whatever, nevermind. Happy Valentine's Day if you celebrate it.