Some people say that nepotism rules BYT.
Some people may also say that the fact that EXACTLY, a band whose first show has been pretty goddamn eagerly anticipated in these parts of our orbit, is a prime example of that: after all, it does feature a veritable BYT mascot member, one of our favorite show reviewers, one half of our BFF clothing label and a DJ from a dance/happy hour night we recommend every week.
Some people may say that, but then some people are jealous.
And rightfully so.
Anyway, EXACTLY, the best named, best concepted (and second most hyped) band in DC (and looking at their photos, quite possibly, “beyond”) is playing their first show ever tonight at SHORTS IIIIII. We sat down with Female Shaq, Cream Soda and City Styles (if you know what their real names are, you know) to discuss the mythology of EXACTLY, listen to some tunes and look at way too much chest any one “energy orb” promo photo can handle.
Oh yeah and take a “TRUE OR FALSE” Exactly quiz, which can test your true EXACTLY devotion.
History was made.
Proceed with caution:

So, tell us

how EXACTLY did EXACTLY come to be?

Who are the charter members? What was the initial seed of the idea?

Female Shaq: I was playing in The Coats with Karl Southgate, and I was writing songs that didn’t fit with that band’s sound. Basically, Karl is a real musician and Female Shaq is not. I talked to Scott Bauer and Cream Soda about doing a project based on retarded Casio grooves and demolished animal noise vocal samples. Cream came up with the name Exactly. One night, during an impromptu party at Gold Leaf, the three of us played for the first time in the Coats’ studio space. It sounded great, and then City Styles jumped in and the jams got even weirder and better. Somehow our schedules never coalesced with Scott (dude’s pretty busy doing Lode Runner and Velodrome and DJing parties far and wide). At the same time, City was becoming unemployed, so he had plenty of time to devote to Exactly.
Cream Soda: Yup. I had been trying to find someone to rock-party with and then Female and I met and the streams crossed (never cross the streams). We needed a 3rd member so we asked City Styles to join not even knowing if he knew how to play an instrument. We sat him down at a party in a locked bedroom after he had just put on a pelvic tingling dance performance. We knew it right away.
City Styles: None of that is true. All of that it is true.

What is EXACTLY all about?

Female Shaq: Partying.
Cream Soda: Awesomeness. Our songs are not heavily structured because that is just boring. Oh great, we played that song Exactly the same way 30 times in a row! What’s fun about that? That is like picking weeds for fun. We just have an outline and try and approach it with as much intensity as we can every time.
City Styles: Once we saw an opossum and a raccoon hanging out in the back lot of the studio. They were in love, I think. All cuddling, that’s for sure. Imagine the opossum as a Casio designed by humans (not robots) and the raccoon as a raccoon. That’s the EXACTLY dynamic.

I understand a number of other DC musicians wanted to be part of it, but were rejected.

What is the criteria to become a member of EXACTLY?

Who does what?

Cream Soda: Yeah. They were all way more talented than us too. But like I just said, it wouldn’t work. We are too chaotic, and we’re not going to change that. I guess the draw for a lot of people was that we are having so much fun with it. I play drums, FS and City Styles play keys and yell in Latin a lot.
City Styles: “play keys,” yes. The only thing I played before joining Exactly was the incline bench press. Even that was self-taught.

Why are there no women in it?

Female Shaq: We wanted to have some babes in the band, but everyone we auditioned could not resist us as sex objects. We refuse to be treated like that. At least, not by band members.
Cream Soda: We audition girls like every night. If you can scream, call us.
City Styles: I thought there were 4 girls in Exactly? That was contract binding, Shaq.

Tell us about the stage names? Why does Aaron have 2?

Is he more special?

Female Shaq: Stage names? Some of Mudflaps’ friends call him Tugboat, but Mudflaps is his given name as far as I know. I think in the square world he goes by Aaron or something.

Styles: Aaron? Erin?

City Styles: Who is Aaron?

Rumor has it that every practice session includes an exercise regimen as well.

Do you all just follow John Basedow’s (sp) method or is there a special routine? What does it involve? What is on your exercise playlist?

Female Shaq: We have a weight bench in the studio, and we lift for an hour before every practice. No exceptions. We also have a VHS player for Richard Simmons tapes. Exactly has been known to sweat to the oldies. And change the lyrics to incorporate our band, e.g. Crocodile Rock = Exactly Rock. Of course, weekends are for relaxing poolside at Cream Soda’s house with bikini babes and Reagans. It’s not technically a workout, but it’s part of the regimen.
Cream Soda: It’s a hierarchy thing. Final say goes to the best weightlifting performance before practice.
City Styles: Right now we don’t use spots cause Flaps is in LA. This makes our first performance our most dangerous.

All the promo photos are nude.

How much in love with EXACTLY is EXACTLY?

Female Shaq: Completely. But who isn’t in love with us? We are the best band in the world.
Cream Soda: Exactly.
Styles: Approximately, Exactly.

The first show has been eagerly anticipated.

Initially, you said you would play only house parties and stadiums. Now, you are playing your first show at a bar. What gives?

Female Shaq: Shorts is more of a house party than most house parties. Our intent is to play places where people will get insane, tear their shirts off and pour Reagans on each other. Initially, we thought people could only get this unhinged at house parties, but have you seen the pictures from Shorts? As for arenas and stadiums, it’s just a matter of practicality. How else are all of our fans going to fit in one building? We don’t want people rioting because they couldn’t get a ticket. Not a good look.
City Stlyles: The Washington Generals defeated the Harlem Globetrotters there in ’78. Technically, Asylum is closer to Verizon Center than Bedlam.

Why are you doing it now that Aaron is not in town?

Is he being secretly shunned, and will have to read all about it in the papers? Kinda how Matt Damon dumped Minnie Driver on Letterman?
Female Shaq: You mean Mudflaps?
City Styles: He’s being webcast. Internet stuff.
Cream Soda: Ohhhhh. Mudlflaps. We thought it would be funny since he is from Cali to do our first show when he was back in Cali. Get it?

What can a person expect from an EXACTLY show?

Female Shaq: Torn / lost clothing, lacerations, hangovers, STI’s.
Cream Soda: I don’t even know.
City Styles: “show” infers artifice or performance. I prefer “an Exactly reality.”

Should people bring protective gear?

Female Shaq: We have to warn people to bring shirts that are easy to take off, just for their convenience. You will be taking off your shirts either way, so you may as well plan accordingly.
Cream Soda: Yes. Chastity belts.

Are you incorporating the ball pit

into the act somehow?
Cream Soda: No plans for that. I imagine that will take its course naturally.
City Styles: A naturally occurring ball pit. Out of the primordial. The first.

If you could have anyone’s career whose would it be and why?

City Styles: Prince. I don’t think I need to explain that.

What next?

Cream Soda: Your parent’s house.

Words of inspiration?

Cream Soda: Start a band and get on our level.

Exactly

True/False : test your EXACTLY knowledge

1. Exactly was photographed in the same studio as Barack Obama and delayed his photo shoot 15 minutes.
^{A: False. Obama delayed the Exactly shoot by 15 minutes.}

2. Exactly does not play any instrument that was purchased for over $100.
^{A: True.}

3: Cream Soda is fluent in traditional aerobics.
^{A: True}

4: A case of Reagans are consumed at 95% of Exactly practices.
^{A: False. A case of Reagans are consumed at 100% of exactly practices.}

5. Exactly cannot be killed by conventional weapons.
^{A: False}

6. One of the members of exactly owns Atomic music
^{A: False. They don’t even know anyone who works there.}

7. The Pythagorean theorem states that for the sides of a right triangle, A, B and C, where C is the hypotenuse, A2+B2=C2
^{A: False. Exactly does not care about triangles.}

8. Every member of exactly has worked as a male model.
^{A: True}

9. Exactly is the best band in the world.
^{A: False. There are exactly 2 better bands.}

10. Exactly.
^{A: True}

Want more:
I am pretty sure EXACTLY is “too cool” for myspace but expect to see (Way too much) of them tonight at Asylum. You’ve been warned

Oh, and while I was not given any credits for the photos, am pretty sure Lexie took them.
+
the very tastefully animated (first ever!) feature gif by the one and only Erik Loften.
dreams DO come true.

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