Brightest Young Things

all (as always insane) photos: Mike Danko (make sure to click on them for enlargements)
all words: Alyssa Lesser

As many (awesome) of you know and some (sane) of you don't know, the 9:30 club held US Air Guitar's National Championships on Friday night. The usually-reserved-for-the-shower phenomenon crowns a national air guitar winner amongst regional champions that hail from all over the country. The national stage of the competition is usually held in NYC, but came to the District for the first time this year, complete with Uncle Sam garb and patriotic confetti. God bless.

Those who have attended an Air Guitar event before are familiar with the routine: competitors battle in a compulsory round where they perform to a song of their choice for 60 seconds, spandex is abundant, contestants are judged on a 4.0-6.0 Olympic Figure Skating scale, ballsack is plentiful, the top five contestants from round one advance to round two where they perform to a surprise random song, scores are tallied, rock is brought, beer is contagious, and the winner with the highest cumulative score at the end of the evening is belted with a commemorative belt.

The first round saw the good, the bad, and the heinously ugly, topped off with an eruption of stiff competition. By the time the scores were tallied, the earth-shattering results for round two were revealed: three competitors had tied in second place (Dreamcatcher, STD, and Airosol) and three competitors had tied for first (the Shred, the Fro, and William Ocean). There were definitely some overlooked contestants from round one that didn't make it through, like DC native Fender Splendor, but there was no turning back now. Six competitors would battle to Queens of the Stone Age's "No One Knows" for the coveted national spot.

• Dreamcatcher was up first. He masters the song with great technical skill, but lacks the overabundant energy some of the other contestants possess. He finishes with unamused scores.
• Next up is Airosol, who has undeniable presence. She plays the hot chick card well, orchestrates some weird mystical flips and twirls, and finishes with pretty good scores.
• Then we have STD, who tied for first place in the DC regional competition. He rocks out blindfolded with grace and ease, hitting every "note" seamlessly and headbanging on tempo all at the same time. Legions of fans in the crowd go nuts. He finishes with impressive scores, and at this point I'm thinking he can easily take the winning title.
• William Ocean was next up with a fun stage presence and established energy. His performance was suitable until he grabbed the American flag off the stage and paraded atop shoulders into the audience with it. The gesture was epic - albeit gimmicky, but the judges loved every second of it. At this point, it was clear who the Shred and the Fro had to beat.
• The Fro championed the aerobic aspect of the competition, tumbling into splits and cartwheels all while rocking out. But does limberness an air guitar champion make? The judges were pretty impressed, but not impressed enough for Fro to pass Ocean.
• The final performance of the evening was reserved for the oldest and wisest and clearly most awesome competitor, the Shred. The beginning of Shred's performance provided a daring jump off a lower speaker, in homage to his ankle-shattering jump of 2008. He danced around the stage and strummed on tempo, bursting with presence and energy, but the judges saw that something was not quite as perfect as it should have been (Shred later revealed that he didn't know the song much). He finished with good scores, maybe top three scores, but not good enough to surpass Ocean scores. We thought that this could be Shred's year, and many crowd members were devastated.

The performances were done, and it was now time to await the final reveal. The crowd (which must have still been filled with DC residents) favorites were clearly the Shred and STD, but the judges felt otherwise.

Shred takes 4th, Airosol takes 3rd, STD takes 2nd, and William Ocean rounds off the evening with the covetable top first place spot.

I have to admit, I was a little sad to see STD out of the winning spot. He appeared to be the dark horse of the competition, and the crowd loved him. I was a little disappointed with the judges' lack of attention to detail. The selection of judges was also a little bizarre. Granted, everyone was a wee bit too hammered to really care about the matter at hand, but I digress. For the first half of the compulsory round the judges consisted of one former air guitar dude in aviators, current world air guitar champion Hot Lixx Hulahan, and this bald guy who was a sports writer and a broadcast journalist. Then...shazam! All of a sudden, Jason Jones from the Daily Show totally shows up and replaces former air guitar dude as judge and resident "bad guy."

• 1) It is SO NOT OKAY to switch judges mid-competition, ever, even if he's really funny and cute and on the Daily Show.
• 2) Hot Lixx Hulahan was a phenomenal judge, but many attendants expressed issue with the fact that he has to defend his World Air Guitar Champion title against whoever won nationals. Despite how great and amazing and loyal and kind of a man Hot Lixx is, judging a competition with a fellow *future* competitor just seems totally illogical and unfair in theory.

A friend and I determined that the best lineup of judges would consist of one amazing guitarist of a great band (to judge technicality and musical, guitar-playing merit), one TOTALLY RETIRED formerly great air guitarist (to judge airness and stage presence and because he's been there before and knows what to look for), and one "wildcard/celebrity" judge...like that guy from the Daily Show, or that girl from last time who was on the Obama administration who was the WORST JUDGE EVER because she merely wanted to get laid. At any rate, the two awesome and totally qualified judges will balance out whoever the third dick is, and all will be swell in air guitar nation.

Congratulations to William Ocean for taking nationals, and best of luck at the world competition in Finland. There's always next year...and I can't wait to see who emerges on top.

Previously in Live DC:

• 2/8: LiveDC: Kathleen Edwards @ 930 Club
• 2/8: LiveDC: Thurston Moore/ Kurt Vile @ Black Cat
• 2/8: LiveDC: Thurston Moore/ Kurt Vile @ Black Cat
• 2/7: LiveDC: Demetri Martin @ Warner Theatre
• 2/7: LiveDC: Augustana/ Graffiti6 @ 930 Club
• 2/6: LiveDC: All Things Go Presents: Reptar/ Casual Curious/ Fort Lean @ Gibson Guitar Showroom
• 2/6: LiveDC: TYCHO/ Beacon @ RNR Hotel
• 2/6: LiveDC: The Kills / Jeff The Brotherhood @ 9:30 Club
• 2/3: Live DC: The Asteroids Galaxy Tour @ RnR Hotel
• 2/3: LiveDC: Smith Westerns @ Black Cat