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Here ye, here ye, readers of brightest young things dot com.  Gather round ye table and listen to an olde fashion tale of intrigue, wonder and excitement.

We originally had designs to bring you something extra super fantastically special for Renaissance Festival coverage: Jousting.  And G.W.A.R.  Think about it, it just makes sense.  We spoke with Roy Wilcox, the man in charge of the Renaissance Festival’s Jousting Troup, about doing some jousting.

He Said:

Roy William Cox: Mr. Jetton, My name is Roy William Cox. I received an email forwarded from the Maryland Renaissance Festival about your proposal to assist on a project for Bright Young Things. We, the Free Lancers, would be happy to assist you with the jousting portion of the project. Feel free to contact me via my cell 615-***-****.  Here’s to good outcome on a worthwhile project.  Sincerely,  Roy William Cox

Not just jousting, but jousting with a little band from Richmond, VA that goes by the name of G.W.A.R.  We said:

Me: Hi Roy, I’m trying to plan this out.  What I’d like to do is on Sunday, September 20th, come down to the renaissance festival early in the morning before you open and have you give us a jousting tutorial. Then do a photoshoot where we put on the armour (then switch out of it and you guys joust so it looks like WE are jousting).  Kind of the old switcheroo.  The reason I picked the 20th is that there’s this band called GWAR from Richmond that wear these medieval costumes at their shows and they are playing in Baltimore that night.  I’m going to work on getting one of the guys to bring a costume out and we can do something where it looks like I’m jousting him.  This will be amazing. I’ll call you once I have more info.  Thanks, Jeff    P.S. I attached a photo of GWAR.

So I emailed G.W.A.R.’s manager Jack **********:

Me: Hi Jack, My name is Jeff Jetton, I’m with www.brightestyoungthings.com, one of the biggest lifestyle/events/culture webzines in Washington, D.C.  I am trying to get in contact with the guys from G.W.A.R. because I wanted to do an interview with one or some of them at the Maryland Rennaisance Festival before their show in Baltimore on September 20th.  See the email below, it’s less of an interview and more of a photo essay where we’ll learn how to joust (and then do a photo shoot jousting.  How do I get in touch with them?

Jack: hey jeff, i prefer a more traditional interview.  we are not jousting, or traveling to joust. if you are interested, let me know and i’ll set you up w/ our pr people.  best, jf

Okay.  I will admit that I’m not very good at taking NO for an answer.  I’m actually pretty terrible at it.  So after being set up with the PR people, the awesome Jon Freeman from Adrenaline PR, I decided to plant the seed with him.  I figured that public relations folks might better envision the benefits of their clients’ participation in an activity of this nature:

Me: Also, I had really wanted to do an interview during the day at the Maryland Renaissance Festival with one of the guys from GWAR in costume.  The folks at the RenFest would totally be cool with teaching one of the guys how to joust and doing a photoshoot where it looked like they were jousting (all the actual jousting would be done by professionals), it would be REALLY fun and great PR.  Mention it to
the guys to see if any would be interested.  It’s not too far from where the show is that night.  Otherwise, the in-person at the show will work just fine.

Jon Freeman: Would this be a video interview?  How far is the venue from the Fest?

Me: 30 minutes door to door.  I could probably arrange a limo or something from the venue.  We can work around your guys’ schedule, too.  It would be epic, Jon.  We do crazy interviews.  Really neat stuff.  Took Mary Timony to race NASCARS; http://www.brightestyoungthings.com/music/burning-rubber-not-your-average-mary-timony-interview And a killer Slayer interview: http://www.brightestyoungthings.com/music/discussing-hot-topics-not-your-average-slayer-interview

Me: Just talked to our people.  We can definitely do a limo.

That’s right, we were going to pay for a LIMO to take G.W.A.R. from Sonar in Baltimore to the Renaissance Festival.  A LIMO FOR GWAR TO THE RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL.  But it’s fine.  I understand.  You’re the manager of the band.  You know what’s best.  Even when the lead singer, Oderus, told Jon Freeman:  HELL YES I’M GOING TO THE RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL.  On top of that, we offered to buy G.W.A.R. all of the Renaissance Festival food that they could possibly eat.

And you want to know where metal fans go on the weekend?  They go to the fucking Renaissance Festival.  Metal fans lord over the Renaissance Festival like, well, like actual lords lording over actual Renaissance festivals.  If I had a shilling for every metal t-shirt I saw at the fest, I’d be a duke or a knight or some sort of nobleman.

But don’t take our word for it.  These guys could talk for days about metal.  Who knew there was something called Paganfest?

And you want to know which five beings in this Universe are exactly equipped to go to a Renaissance Festival and to make everyone in attendance realize that every minute since the day they were born was a waste of time until THAT particular day happened?  That would be the dudes from G.W.AR.

You remember that day, right?  That day where everything, for once, made sense. Where you woke up and you drove to the Renaissance Festival with your Lady Guinevere and you got your turkey leg and you got your giant wooden mug of ale and then you walked past G.W.A.R. on your way to ye olde leather shoppe and you went “HOLY FUCK, THAT’S EXACTLY HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN”.

It all makes sense now.  G.W.A.R. and the Renaissance Festival.  Some call it Fate, others use the term Kismet.

A predetermined course of events considered as something beyond human power or control

Oh wait.  That day never happened.  G.W.A.R. never came to the Renaissance Festival.  Even though they wanted to.   You, readers, were robbed of your destiny. You were supposed to see G.W.A.R. in these photos, doing the things that have been done at Renaissance Festivals for centuries only with more G.W.A.R. involved.  Remember when Forrest Gump robbed Lieutenant Dan of his destiny to die in combat and left him crippled in a wheelchair instead?

Well, that’s basically you, poor reader. Hamstrung in a wheelchair, cursing God because your fate just got carjacked.  You should be furious.  You should be angrier than Lieutenant Dan was angry at Forrest Gump and God put together.  You might as well be holed up in a shitty hotel room in Times Square on New Year’s eve.  Legless, drunk as a skunk and just pissed off at the world.  You were robbed, friends.  It’s time to get drunk to kill the pain.

G.W.A.R. IS the damned Renaissance Festival, and we had been thwarted by their management.  Screw it, we were going to the RenFest anyways:

WE LEARNED ABOUT ARCHERY WITHOUT G.W.A.R.

WE WENT JOUSTING WITHOUT G.W.A.R.

Please, please watch that video until the very end.  There’s a special surprise waiting.

WE LEARNED ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE BEWEEN LARP AND DARKON WITHOUT G.W.A.R.

From Wikipedia:  A live action role-playing game (LARP) is a form of role-playing game where the participants physically act out their characters’ actions. The players pursue goals within a fictional setting represented by the real world, while interacting with each other in character. The outcome of player actions may be mediated by game rules, or determined by consensus among players. Event arrangers called gamemasters decide the setting and rules to be used and facilitate play.

The first LARPs were run in the late 1970s, inspired by role-playing games and genre fiction . The activity spread internationally during the 1980s, and has diversified into a wide variety of styles. Play may be very game-like, or may be more concerned with dramatic or artistic expression. Events can also be designed to achieve educational or political goals. The fictional genres used vary greatly, from realistic modern or historical settings to fantastic or futuristic eras. Production values are sometimes minimal, but can involve elaborate venues and costumes. LARPs range in size from small private events lasting a few hours to huge public events with thousands of players lasting for days.

Wait a minute.  G.W.A.R. IS L.A.R.P.!  G.W.A.R. is basically one big live-action role playing show.  That Larp approved Ogre War Club in the picture above was meant to be wielded by a member of G.W.A.R.  Perhaps Oderus.

It’s like that scene in  Back to the Future II where Marty McFly’s brother, Dave, starts disappearing out of the family photo because Marty is messing around in different time dimensions.  G.W.A.R. has already disintegrated from your photos, people.  Get angry.

DAKOTA EVEN RACED THE PRINCESS ON THE POTATO- SACK SLIDE WITHOUT G.W.A.R.

Okay, truthfully, G.W.A.R. would have hated this. Unless the pretty, pretty princess pictured above had slid down the slide into a pit of hot coals, slowly and agonizingly burning her to death.  And her corpse had been feasted upon by the souls of a thousand dead Medieval soldiers.  If that had been the case, we are certain that G.W.A.R. would have been in on the sack race.

WE CHECKED OUT RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL FASHION WITHOUT GWAR

A post-festival phone conversation with G.W.A.R.’s management turned into a bit of a feud.  With G.W.A.R.’s manager, Frank, treating us pretty much like a big pile of shit.  He said something along the lines of we should never have assumed that G.W.A.R. would want to JOUST.  And we aren’t the ones who have to worry about the insurance policy when G.W.A.R. members fall off a horse and die.  Insurance?  Really?

Really?  Because if I were concerned with a member of the band I was managing slipping and falling so much that I was going to put the kaibash on their activities, I would probably focus on the ones where the lead singer was mounting a giant, nacho-filled swimming pool at the top of a quarterpipe while BMX bikers jumped overhead.  I’m just saying.  Calculate your risks, then act accordingly.

We would argue that you’re much more likely to slip and fall on a giant pile of nachos at Best Friends’ Day than you are to slip and fall walking around the Renaissance Festival and putting on some armor and PRETENDING to joust.  But, seriously, if you’re G.W.A.R. do you let your insurance policy dictate anything you do, ever?

After the previous throttling by G.W.A.R.’s managment, we decided to take the fight to the streets.  We aren’t going to let a few million year-old alien musicians push us around.   Grammy nomination or not.  We’ve been toughening up for the epic BYT/G.W.A.R. showdown.

All joking aside, though, we don’t want a fight with G.W.A.R.  We want to try again.  Next year, G.W.A.R., please come with us to the Renaissance Festival.  We want to bury the battle-axe.  Let bygones be bygones.  We’ve got no beef with you guys.  Let’s just all get along and enjoy some merriment together:

By the way, G.W.A.R. is playing the 9:30 Club this Thursday with Job For A Cowboy.  If you haven’t seen their live show before, it’s probably the most fun that you can have at a concert.  You should go.  We saw them in Baltimore and did an interview with Oderus that you might enjoy.  Check it out:

http://www.brightestyoungthings.com/music/oderus-spills-his-guts-not-your-average-gwar-interview/

P.S.  Best comment gets a signed G.W.A.R. t-shirt

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