Dear Jukebox the Ghost,

You are an idiot. It is with great concern for the Common Good that we, THESE UNITED STATES, in order to form a really great union, establish tons of justice, ensure domestic tranquilliations, and – well, you should just find the Pre-amble, if you even can – it’s a part of THAT…that we must have to now meditate upon what we must do to you now because you are such an idiot. We must crush you. It is for the Common Good that we are doing that right now. In the future.

It is the very near future, on SATURDAY, this one right HERE. That is when you play across town from us, in Washington, DC. And also when we are in town (Washington, DC), playing across town from you. Because you are such an idiot and you didn’t realize that playing across town from us was such a bad idea for your health…idiot. We will crush you, probably your actual bodies, but also with some riffs off of our instruments, too.

Let us reiterate that latter point, which is among our most important ones (read previously): you are an idiot. First of all, you on average use less syllables of words than we do when you make your songs. Then after that: You are younger than babies. Also there is the fact that we don’t care how well-crafted your popular songs may be or how much more handsome your fanbase is than ours, which is ugly. These are not things that matter to us. All that matters now to us is Revenge. And getting it. On you. Really Horrible Revenge (RHR) that is really very very bad for you, and for your health itself, Jukebox the Ghost Young Adult People.

We hope you now more fully understand our reasoning for this necessitated altergation (RHR) than you did when we first started writing this letter to you about why we’re doing that. OK? …idiot.

Terribly, horribly, righteously, painstakingly sincerely,

And in a more cool way than you, in addition to that,

Those whom you used to call “friends” in days of yore gone past,