Brightest Young Things

New column! And hell, not just a new column but a new column by Jason! (who apparently decided that being sharply dressed, in a band and a victim to every number one movie in a America, is not enough, so he wants to do more). It is to do with things he owns (and he owns apparently a lot of stuff, both awesome AND disturbing but all pop-culturally significant) We welcome it with open hands and slight fear in our hearts.

first up:

Year: 1989

Age: 12

Item: Cassette Tape: Girl You Know It's True: Milli Vanilli

(SIDE NOTE: I had the option of going with either IMEEM or YouTube for this one, and decided with the latter just because of all the covert homorerotica, men leggings and amazing dance moves that we all need to rewitness. Trust me-Svetlana)

In the short period of time between my early youth of listening to whatever my parents had on and my education on all things metal by an older stoner dude who worked in my Dad's veterinary clinic, I was a humble slave to all things on Top 40 radio. These were the salad days of Samantha Fox, Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam, and El DeBarge. George Michael was still pretending he wanted the sex of androgynous asian women with blonde hair whilst trying to cover up his past "florescent short-shorts" period in Wham! Michael Jackson was just starting to become a white woman. And every Friday, I Thanked Goodness It was Funny and watched Perfect Strangers, Full House and Mr. Belvedere and laughed my pre-pubescent ass off.

As was the style of these heady times, I had a celebration in honor of being squeezed out by my Mee-Maw. A "Birthday Party", if you will. One friend had the foresight to give me a gift certificate to the local music store Waxie Maxie's, and I, on a sugar rush from cake and Ice Cream demanded my parents take me to the mall, on the double! There was a song stuck in my head, and I knew I just had to get the cassette.

That song: Girl You Know It's True, by Milli Vanilli.

Lord help me, I listened to that album over and over again, all the way from track 1: Girl You Know Its True to Track 10: Girl You Know It's True(N.Y. Subway Extended Mix). Due to this and the Cult of Personality by Living Colour it was possibly the only time in my life I wished I had long, braided, beaded hair. I did the Milli Vanilli dance at the Sixth Grade Sock-Hop, which people seemed to enjoy. Or at least think was funny.

To confess, I haven't listened to the album in its entirety in a very long time. I tried to download it on Itunes, but it only exists there in the form of karaoke version. So, a little fairy brought it to me, and I listened to it again, track by track.

Track 1: Girl You Know It's True

Oh man, I forgot about the talking in the beginning! More songs(and albums for that matter) need to start out with stilted dialogue. Reached number two in the Billboard Pop charts.

Track 2: Baby Don't Forget My Number

This song was number 1 on the Billboard Pop charts. It's kind of a fucking weird song, a little herky-jerky. Also probably the first occurrence in my life of sampled movie dialogue in a song. In case you were wondering, love IS stronger than thunder.

Track 3: More Than You'll Ever Know

I can't decide whether it's totally impressive or just fucking disconcerting to realize that I remember all the words to all of these songs so far, considering I haven't heard them in nearly 20 years.

Track 4: Blame It on The Rain

Goddam that keyboard sound is in every song. Jeez. This also was a number 1 Billboard single. This album was fucking huge, evidently. KEY CHANGE!

Track 5: Take It As It Comes

The people at my work are looking at me like I'm a crazy person now. Not that they don't do that all the time, anyways, but this album isn't helping.

Track 6: It's Your Thing

Me Then: "This song is awesome. Milli Vanilli rules!"
Me Now: "Dude. This song is by the Isley Brothers."
Me Then: "Oh. Who the heck are they? And what about the awesome rap part?"
Me Now: *punches "Me Then" in the face*

Track 7: Dream to Remember

Dreams to remember, love in september, glow of an ember? Sounds like they went to the Lionel Richie "Oh What a Feeling When You're Dancing on the Ceiling" School of rhyming. PS – this song is total shit.

Track 8: All Or Nothing

Sweet! Back to the awesome keyboards! This sounds almost exactly like Don't Forget My Number. I totally remember singing "Keep it Wet in My 740 jet" and not having any idea what it meant. Come to think of it, I don't know what it means now. Push it up, push it down, indeed.

Track 9: I'm Gonna Miss You

The last number 1 single on the album. Rob and Fab are a painter and a sailor in the video, respectively. I remember slow dancing with Jennifer Riddle to this song with arms fully extended, as was the style in the sixth grade.

Track 10: Girl You Know It's True(N.Y. Subway Extended Mix)

I don't think I ever made it all the way through this song. Flavor Flav is on it? WTF? I can only think that if you actually listened to this on the subway in NYC you'd immediately get stabbed.

Three number one singles, two other top ten singles, 6 times platinum. I got sucked into the gaping maw of Milli Vanilli fever, as did a lot of people. Although, I think a lot of those people were hanging out with Downtown Julie Brown.

One last note: in the aftermath of the whole lip syncing scandal, I can remember not understanding why people destroyed their tapes. The fact that Rob & Fab weren't the ones singing didn't change the music. I guess I was pretty logical back then, even for a dumb kid with questionable taste in music.