Marty: Have you ever wanted to put your favorite band somewhere deeper than your ear? Have you ever thought, “Great song – I’d love to sit on it!” Have you ever wanted to fuck a piece of art? I did. And I thought it would never happen. I thought I’d be an art virgin forever.
That is until I discovered the Ohmibod.
The Ohmibod is a vibrator that hooks up to your iPod and thumps to the music. Let me repeat for effect: THE OHMIBOD IS A VIBRATOR THAT HOOKS UP TO YOUR IPOD AND THUMPS TO THE MUSIC. Kind of like one of those dancing Elvis phones, except inside you.
So what is Rattle of the Bands? Guitar-off? No. Bass-off?? Better.
My friends, let’s have a fuckin’ LOCAL BAND VIBRATHON!

On behalf of the BYT readership, my wife and I conducted some clinical research using the Ohmibod, a bedroom and some local tunes to see which bands when paired up would get you off the fastest, the strongest and the best.
We’d like to thank all the bands we used for this column and we hope that they think this is as funny as we do.
And, yes, we actually did this.
Oh, and for the haters and the imitators, you are both expected and encouraged.
Now – let the games begin and I’ll yield the floor to our test subject, my lovely wife, Taylor.

Georgie James vs. Army of Me: “What’s it gonna take to put a smile on your face?”

Songs:

“Cheap Champagne” by Georgie James (album: Places)
“Thinking It Over” by Army of Me (album: Citizen)

Laura Burhenn’s voice is sulty enough to cause anyone a sleepless night and the power piano on “Cheap Champagne” made a few waves. But the Ohmibod is a blunt instrument and Georgie James’ delicacies were mostly lost on it.
The steady drumming and big guitars of Army of Me’s “Thinking It Over”, on the other hand, caused a lot of trouble (which is not something usually said of those well-behaved AOM boys). “Thinking It Over” was my favorite song on their album already, but now I’ll be thinking it over..and over…and over. Hot.

Winner: Army of Me

Le Loup vs. Le Loup: “Smoking curls and screaming girls”

Songs:

“Howl” by Le Loup (album: Throne of the Third Heaven of the Nations Millennium General Assembly)

“Outside of This Car” by Le Loup (album: Throne of the Third Heaven of the Nations Millennium General Assembly)

For the first roll in the hay with Le Loup, I just went to iTunes and downloaded the seemingly-appropriately titled “Howl” from their Throne of the Etc. album.

When I turned this song on, I thought it I’d killed my iPod because there was no sound. Then in the faint distance I heard some vocals that sounded like a bad day in a Burmese monastery. The OhMiBod gave one feeble shake and went dead.
Come on, Le Loup, you’ve got enough band members to be your own traveling orgy. I expected more from you.

We decided this probably wasn’t an accurate reading and gave Le Loup another spin. “Outside of This Car” was a bumpy ride (in a good way) with up and down beats and steady ascending and descending vocals. It’s hard to say really dirty things about Le Loup – but the final build-up on this tune was worth the drive.

Winner: Le Loup

Minor Threat vs. Fugazi - “You Tell Me It’s Only Natural”

Songs:

“In My Eyes” by Minor Threat (album: In My Eyes)

“Repeater” by Fugazi (album: Repeater)

This pair-up was Marty’s suggestion as he actually had Minor Threat cassette tapes growing up and can still scream all their songs. I, conversely, know nothing about this music except that it once captured some world-wide attention for D.C. bands (cool) and that its ghosts still haunt the District as Black Cat employees and City Paper reporters (not cool). I’m still trying to figure out why Fugazi and Panic at the Disco are both called emo bands.

Apparently, the OhMiBod didn’t know what to make of these songs either. The vibrator basically turned into a jack-hammer for five and half minutes. I think it was trying to kill me. When it finally and mercifully ended, I definitely didn’t want to have sex anymore…so I guess now I understand the abstinence part of being straight edged. I was, however, in desperate need of a stiff drink, a carton of cigarettes, many flavors of drugs and a trip to the gynecologist to check for internal damage.

Winner: Ugh.

The Dance Party vs. Pash - “Please, Oooo, Oooo!”

Songs:

“Down” by Pash (album: The Best Gun)

“Sherri” by The Dance Party (album: Friction! Friction! Friction!)

Pash’s “Down” has a lot going for it: singer Merideth Munoz’s lilting vocals and Ryan McLaughlin’s carry-me-over-the-threshold bass lines. But what puts it into the orgasm category? The guitar.

D.C. has some amazing pop guitarists. Best-in-show must go to The Dance Party’s Kevin Bayly. For sheer skill and face-melting wow factor nobody can’t beat Army of Me’s Brad Tursi. But for the topic of this exercise – sex – I give it up for Erik Bruner-Yang of Pash who writes some mighty libidinous hooks. On the bridge of “Down”, you might as well take the vibrator out and just lay there with the earphones in. The guitar line does all the work on its own with its tentative teasing strums leading to an unholy release. Not a song to listen to on the bus.

“Down” ends with Merideth’s lovely voice “Down he goes, down he goes” and Erik’s insistent back-up vocal of “Say what you want, say what you want.” Well, Pash…I think you answered your own question there.

It’s hard not to be turned on by The Dance Party: Mick Coogan has vocal chords nastier than 1,000 A-list pornstars moaning in harmony and the boys lay down rhythms and guitar solos that make you want to fuck anywhere and everywhere.
Like the DP boys with a case of wine-coolers at a teenage sleepover, “Sherri” did not disappoint right up to the hard-pounding final chorus. Alas, the party ended much too soon and I was left with blue ovaries.

Winner: Pash

Honorable Mentions

+Caverns – “Spread It Like A Virus” – If you’re in a hurry and need to get the job done quickly, Caverns “Spread It Like A Virus” is your best bet. They’ll be there like loud, hard-thumping utility men between your legs – and there’s even some lovely piano to make you feel special.

+Black and White Jacksons – “Racing Horse” – BWJ’s are like teenage masturbation – dark, subversive and shamefully good. Most of the loud bits on “Racing Horse” are at the top – so turn the volume up, let the Ohmibod do it’s thing and then lay back and enjoy the rest of your BWJ’s experience.

+Jukebox the Ghost – Okay, I really wanted to do give Jukebox a go because I love them dearly. But when I hopped under the covers with the Ohmibod and set my iPod on their album Let Live and Let Ghosts, I just couldn’t do it. I’m not saying they’re not Sex Gods in the minds of many. If their MySpace is any indication, I’m in the minority. But to me they’re like little brothers or kids I used to baby-sit. And it just felt wrong. That said, their music is like audio Prozac and always puts me in a good mood. So if you’re out of batteries and boyfriends, turn your ears on with Jukebox the Ghost.

Additional notes: the Ohmibod is small and looks like a flourescent light tube. The strength of its vibrations increases when you turn the volume up on your iPod. This is a problem: you shouldn’t have to be concerned about hearing loss when you’re trying to get off.

The cool thing about the Ohmibod is that it really does vibrate to the music, getting faster and stronger with the songs.

The bad thing is that this is basically the training bra of vibrators.
So I’d say, whatever your music choices, it’s unlikely that you’re going to get off unless you have some “help” from a willing partner.
Instead of investing in your own OhMiBod, I’d recommend waiting until they’ve perfected the technology a bit more and maybe added some thicker bells and faster whistles.
In the meantime, crank up the stereo next time you’re undressing your latest conquest. As I hope we’ve demonstrated above, some music was meant to be fucked.

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