Brightest Young Things

all words: Jeff Jetton
all photos: Josh Sisk

GWAR. I'm not really sure how to explain GWAR to someone who hasn't already heard of them.  They're sort of the Gallagher of thrash metal.  Now, if you don't know who Gallagher is, then I SURELY don't know how to explain GWAR.

Here's how GWAR explain themselves:

Eons ago, there existed an elite group of chaos warriors who ravaged the galaxy with a boundless hatred of all things alive. They were called the Scumdogs of the Universe, and they grew in might and fury, the greatest weapon in the arsenal of their cosmic Master.

But they became too powerful, and too defiant, and for their cosmic crimes were banished to the most insignificant planet in the universe…the seething mudball known as Earth.

Millions of years passed, and they slumbered, until the pollution of your world de-thawed these creatures from their ageless coma…and now they stride the Earth, living gods, dedicated to one goal, the destruction of the human race, and the eradication of existence itself! Wait- that’s two goals!

Hark to the hideous majesty of your MASTERS, rulers of Earth, the MIGHTY GWAR!!!

It is I, ODERUS URUNGUS, lead singer of the sickest band in metal history, Earth’s only openly extra-terrestrial rock band, and the destined destroyers of not only the human race but also reality itself. GWAR! Hulking, heaving, dribbling WAR-GODS who like nothing better than putting hordes of our sniveling fans to the sword while playing the marauding, mutant metal that we are famous for! Star’s of stage and screen, carvers of stem and spleen! GWAR LIVES!

Recently, BYT sat down with GWAR frontman Oderus Urungus in his dressing room before their show at Baltimore's Sonar.

GWAR's Oderus Urungus: Is that a copy of American Psycho?  Fantastic book, one of my favorites.

BYT:  Yes sir, I didn't have any paper, so I wrote down the questions in a book that happened to be lying around my house.

Oderus:  That's excellent, I found Patrick Bateman to be a charming character, quite a lovable rascal.  In fact, I saw a lot of myself in him.  I'd go so far as to say I consider myself the original American Psycho.  By the way, you have 5 minutes until I go onstage and destroy this joint.

BYT: Fuck.  Five minutes or less.

Oderus: This is what everyone wants: my time.

BYT: U2 is spending 40 million dollars on their stage show, with 60 big-rig trucks to carry around their equipment.  At what point is enough enough?  You guys aren't spending that much, right?  On your tour set?

Oderus:  I don't know what we spend.  I mean, look where we're playing.  We'd be hard pressed to spend 60 thousand dollars, let alone 60 million!  However there is the crack cocaine bill, that stuff is rather expensive.

BYT: Fox News, now Washington Times, what's going on?  Does GWAR have some sort of a conservative bent?

Oderus: Well, no, I just think that finally the human race is beginning to realize what a fucking genius I am.  I mean, you've had the opportunity to talk to an extra-terrestrial now for years and for some reason all you've wanted to do is interview Michael Jackson.  Now that that's not an option anymore, we're getting a lot more attention.

BYT:  The Whitehouse is now bringing all sorts of musical acts in to perform for President Obama.  Are you interested in throwing your hat in the ring and playing in front of Barack and Michelle Obama?

Oderus: Oh yes, I'm much more interested than throwing my hat into the ring.  I'm much more interested in throwing my genitals into their tiny little vaginas.

BYT:  GWAR Groupies.  A lot of women at your shows?

Oderus:  No, not women.  Typical GWAR fan is the 13-year old, D&D-playing, just-discovered-bong-hits-but-only-smokes-crappy-weed.  Gropies, we call them.

BYT:  I was asked by one of your fans to inquire as to whether or not you would fuck a camel corpse.

Oderus:  If I could I would, you know.

BYT:  Oh, I'm sorry, a torso, not a corpse, but they asked about a camel TORSO.

Oderus:  Oh, I'll do just about anything with a camel, I'll tell you, but the big thing I'm on about is I want to have sex with a blue whale.  And not a DEAD blue whale that's washed up on shores, no, I'm talking about actually having sex with a living blue whale.  I'm trying to get on the Animal Planet with this, but I'm not getting a lot of headway.

BYT:  Best Friends' Day, how was that?  {Oderus was recently sighted at Richmond's Best Friends' Day by several BYT staff}

Oderus:  **indiscernable**

Washington Times' reporter Liz Glover joined the BYT crew for the interview as well.  She chimed in on the conversation:

Liz Glover:  I heard that you were on Fox News recently.

Oderus:  Yes, it's my new gig.  {Oderus can now be seen regularly on Fox News' late night program Redeye}

Liz Glover:  Is it official?

Oderus:  It's very much official, it was announced on the Fox News website right next to Bill O'Reilly's drunken face.  That of Oderus Urungus: Official Interplanetary Correspondent.  It's a gig, the title of which means really absolutely nothing.  It comes with no power, no salary, but the prestige is pretty awesome.  I've done a bunch of crap for them now, I'm expecting to get fired at any moment.

Liz Glover:  Well I saw you on their 2 AM show...

Oderus:  Well there's not A LOT of people watching on the East Coast.  At 2AM, excuse me 3AM (the show airs at 3AM EST) on the East Coast, it's approximately midnight on the West Coast, a lot of those flakey California types watch it.  I really don't know who is watching it actually, all I know is it's a big hit on Youtube, I guess.

Liz Glover:  What is your interplanetary perspective on health care?  What type of health care do they have on Saturn?  Venus?  Uranus?

Oderus:  Scumdoggia!  {Oderus hails from the planet Scumdoggia} Way past Uranus.  Let me tell you about healthcare in SPACE, lovely.  THE SICK DIE, THE STRONG LIVE.  It's much like Sparta, and if that was good enough for Frank Miller, it's good enough for me.  Let me tell you something else, I think it's pretty strange when these debates about healthcare are getting so violent that someone's going to end up in the hospital.

Liz Glover:  So you're backing Pelosi on this?  You share her sentiment that it is a problem, the language {the rhetoric used by conservatives}.  Do you think our society is becoming less civil, sir?

Oderus:  Oh certainly.  Obviously GWAR has had a big effect on the dumbing down of this culture.  And I'd like to see it more as kind of a, well you're right it is a dumbing down, it's getting horrible.  But when I saw Pelosi crying those crocodile tears for Harvey Milk getting his head blown off, it's just...

Liz Glover:  Were they crocodile tears?

Oderus:  I don't believe her for one minute.

Liz Glover:  Did you believe Hillary crying back in New Hampshire?

Oderus:  No, what does she do?  I don't believe her any more than when she said she was being shot at in Sarjevo with Sinbad!

Liz Glover:  Some have expressed concern about Barack Obama's citizenship.  They say he was not born in the United States.  As a Fox News Interplanetary Correspondent, do you feel that Barack Obama was born on this planet?

Oderus:  Oh of course, I mean, they've been through this a thousand times.  They'll always do anything they can to besmirch the Democrats when they get into office.  Just look at the hard time Jimmy Carter had.

Oderus:  I believe my tour manager is kicking you guys out now.

BYT:  Thank you for your time, Oderus, would you mind signing a few things for our readers?  I've got a GWAR t-shirt, this copy of American Psycho, and this beautiful framed drawing of an african elephant that my roommate left on the wall when she moved out.

Oderus:  Oh, I see, the elephant is making reference to the Fox News gig and the Washington Times interview...

BYT:  Actually, I just grabbed some random shit out of my house when I was leaving that I thought I could get you to sign.

Oderus:  Smart man. {he draws a large phallus on the elephant before autographing the painting}.

At that point the interview was over and Oderus leapt to his feet and walked onstage.  And proceeded to slay the audience.  Literally.  Well, literally in the figurative sense.  I mean, nobody actually died.  But everyone was covered in blood.  And other bodily fluids.  See, it's hard to explain.  Just watch this video.

GWAR has a new album out.  It's their 25th anniversary, and their touring to promote 'Lust in Space'.  Check out the Washington Examiner's review here.

P.S.  Seriously, if you don't know who Gallagher is, you're a toad living under a rock for the last 25 years.  Gallagher, while sucky, does do some awesome watermelon smashing to soak the audience.

P.S.S.  We've got a framed picture of an African Elephant with additional illustration and an autograph by Oderus Urungus of GWAR.  The person who leaves the most outrageous comment on this article will receive the painting.  And a certificate of authenticity (a picture of Oderus autographing the book).

So go ahead, tell us what you think of GWAR.  Or Nancy Pelosi.  Actually, please go ahead and describe in detail a dream date between Nancy Pelosi and any one of the members of GWAR.  Feel free to get all Brett Easton Ellis on us.  Second place gets a copy of American Psycho autographed by Oderus.

Jeff Meets Gwar from Apoxy One on Vimeo.