The first quarter of 2008 rang in the 13th anniversary of my Bat Mitzvah. Which I’d like to think makes me twice the woman (zing!). Now, I don’t know how others did it, but if you grew up in suburban Kansas City (where your half-Mexican, future-gay, middle school boyfriend unceremoniously dubbed your local country club Meadowbrook, “MeadowJew”), the never ending succession of Bar/Bat Mitzvah parties made 7th grade pretty freaking sweet. OK who am I kidding, it was still hella awkward, but at least there were jams.
Quick tutorial for those who never had the pleasure: Bar/Bat Mitzvah is the ceremony Jewish kids go through to become full-fledged adults in the Jewish community (i.e. boys becoming men, men becoming doctahs). A sample chronology might go like this:
Kvetch your way through 10 years of Sunday school to learn to read (but not understand a word of) Hebrew.
At 13, prepare a section of the Torah to sing in Hebrew in front of the entire congregation on one Saturday during the year in your life you are the least equipped to handle scrutinizing attention.
Fuck it up (or not, doesn’t matter, your Goyim friends will make fun of you anyway).
Stand in line at the reception for endless Mazel Tovs from friends of your grandparents whom you’ve never met but who know all about you.
Flee to the Sisterhood lounge to cram noodle kugel and Manischevitz down your throat.
Finally go home to change into your party dress and rapidly morph into Bat Mitzvahzilla as you allow, resentfully, mom and dad to drive you to the country club where your party will be held.
Then the party, I’m assuming, is universal:
Jams, jams, awkward slow dance, jams, hide in swanky ladies lounge smoking stolen parliaments and talking about who’s making out with boys in the coatroom, jams, jams, make out with boys in the coatroom, jams, more jams…
Wake up next day and survey your loot (categorically, the only acceptable gifts are $18 checks or tubes of sun-ripened raspberry lotion).
Praise Yahweh it’s over and assume a life of secularism.
And so, because most of what I write for BYT reads like the diary of a 13yr old girl anyway, I thought I’d commemorate the moment I was officially ushered into womanhood with a playlist of all the jams I hearted in 1995.*
*Disclaimer: the Rent-a-DJ may or may not have actually played all of these particular jams at my actual party. But you know, it’s like my BYT mitzvah and I’ll grind if I want to.
1. Quad City DJ’s - C’mon N Ride It (The Train)
I’m pretty sure they did play this at my actual bat mitzvah party and it was awesome. Although I didn’t even know this song was about sex until like yesterday. Sigh.
2. This is How We Do It – Montell Jordan
I know they played this one too because I can still remember everyone yelling “This is how we JEW IIIIIIITTT!!!!” like we were so clever.
3. Ini Kamoze - Here Comes The Hotstepper
Like the grains of sand in the desert and the stars scattered in the heavens - We don’t die. Yes. We multiply. I think Moses said that.
4. Ice Cube ft. George Clinton - Bop Gun
I knew Ice Cube before I knew Parliament and so was almost disappointed when I found out this was sampled. Almost.
5. Boyz II Men - Water Runs Dry
I totes slow danced to this one with this skinny kid named Corey who had a bowl cut and was definitely shorter than me. We don’t even talk anymore.
6. Warren G. ft. Nate Dogg – Regulators
This one played at all 45 bar and bat mitzvahs I attended in 7th grade.
7. The Outhere Brothers - Boom Boom Boom
Girl your booty is so round. Let me lick you up and down. Move over Tupac, these are the real poets of a generation.
8. 69 Boyz - Tootsee Roll
Anything involving choreographed dance moves was always a big hit (see Electric Boogie).
9. Martha Griffiths - Electric Boogie
This always pissed me off. The beat is like 4 to the floor, but the dance moves in some kind of free meter where you go 5 right then 3 left and I always ended up turning the wrong way and electric sliding onto someone’s Doc Martens. Also it’s stupid.
10. Vanilla Ice – Ice Ice Baby
I remember them playing this at my friend Jamie Berman’s bat mitzvah party and these two guys in my grade got up and lip-synched it. The best part was that one of the guys was named Bryce, and so when it got to the chorus, everybody went “Bryce! Bryce, baby! TOO COLD!” True story.
Well I hope that was as good for you as it was for me. Feel free to send checks in denominations of $18 C/O My BYT Mitzvah.
Also welcomed are your fav jams from your Bar/Bat Mitzvah (or those you’d play at your BYT Mitzvah).
And after all that, if you weren’t into it or you’re not Jewish, then, well, no one’s perfect.
L’Chaim!
this is my work out mix. seriously.
May 13, 2008 at 11:44 amWill plays the best of this stuff at Le Freak
so check it out if you want to some killer blasts from the past
that aren’t too far back in time, e.g. This is How We Do It
Bop Gun and Regulators, choice picks, still love ‘em
May 13, 2008 at 12:19 pmI don’t know how many of you grew up on Long Island, as I did. But that was the land of Bar/Bat Mitzvahs and don’t forget the B’nai Mitzvahs (for twins). And one of Madonna’s dancers from tour was one of the dancers at my party.
And the popular song in 1993 was Snow, Informer.
And Whitney’s I Will Always Love You was the slow dance.
May 13, 2008 at 1:17 pmi think what you meant was “boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.”
May 13, 2008 at 1:44 pmhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zxk_P3PNuZU
May 13, 2008 at 1:44 pm“we don’t even talk anymore”
hahahahahahahahaaaaaaa
May 13, 2008 at 6:09 pmI am a 90s Bar Mitzvah Music Aficionado, or so my friends have dubbed me - and I have the sick playlist to boot. Thanks for taking us back to the carefree (and alcohol-free, how did we do it?) days!
May 16, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Boom Boom Boom is the best song of all time. I really had no idea it had a video.
I went to so many barmitz in growing up in silver spring I spontaneously circumcised at 13. But that was more in the days of BBDv and New Kids on The Block.
May 13, 2008 at 11:30 am