Brightest Young Things

In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket is an advice column by Andrew Bucket. If you need advice on anything in the world, email your dilemmas to Unclebucketadvice@gmail.com by Tuesday morning.

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1. Boyz Love Noise

Dear Uncle Bucket,

Our band is not that old and we just got a new drummer from Craigslist. He already booked a show at a club next week, but we don't have any songs yet except for a couple of covers. What should we do at the show next week without our own songs or much live experience? Our new drummer says we should just do improv jams and let our singer make up the lyrics on the spot, but the other bands we're playing with have like, actual songs. I don't want to look like an amateur.

I don't know what to do and the show is fast approaching.

help!

Bassist Against Noise Drones

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Hey BAND,

I don't think much can be done about your upcoming show. You'll either have to play these improv. jams or just not play at all. Trust me, imrpovs will be a lot more fun than playing a bunch of half baked, poorly rehearsed songs. (but if you do choose the latter, you should definitely say between each song: "we're probably gonna fuck this next one up")

What you are experiencing is an epidemic these days--young musicians have trouble articulating their tastes, especially when their musical arena is so loosely described as "indie" or something. I think a common misstep is the assumption that someone who happens to be your age is on the same wavelength as you just because you both like The Chemical Brothers.

One tip is you could try to be really specific in your want ad...

In reality, what does "sad music" even mean? This is how you ended up in your current debacle in the first place-- by mincing words, and comparing I-Tunes. You probably advertised that you were into post-rock or something, because you DID like Sigur Ros once upon a bong hit, and now your drummer thinks he's in Explosions In This Guy. You want to write songs while he wants to make noise, and genre fuck all day.

Surely, bands have overcome this kind of thing, or rather, explored that contention in an interesting light:

But a lot of times, you just end up being this:

So my advice to you is to get in a band with people that are around you all the time anyway, and forget the want ads. Your best friends will be your best band. Even if they don't really play that well, just BEING in a band with them will be more fun than with anyone else. The same goes for siblings.

Maybe you guys will suck, but what--do you want to be famous or something?

Oi Oi Oi,

Uncle Bucket

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2. Why Bother?

dear unkle bucket,

i'm a part of this band, and we want to be immensely popular, not just amongst our peers in the DC music scene, but eventually all over the country.  what is your advice for a young up-and-coming artist with horn-rimmed glasses trying to find huge reknown?  how can we make everyone think we're totally awesome? we know what we want, but we dont quite know how to get it.

Lusting After Fame, Hopelessly

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Hey LAFH (?),

It is really good that you have your ambitions squared away. There are a lot of bands that want to do exactly want what you do, but it's kind of like the 80s all over again...everybody is an artist. A lot of bands feel ashamed or lame about this desire to be famous and so it gets hidden behind really empty imitations of earnestness and experimentation.

But if you want to be famous, then try to do just that. You'll make it easier on everyone if you are unabashed about what you want. For example, the critics will leave you alone because you will have never made any claims to be a serious group. The mainstream press will tout your band though, and that is well and good for getting your face tacked up in the museum of dorm room USA, along with Scarface and Pulp Fiction 2: The Mars Travolta.

The droves of your peers, as you call them, will show up to your concerts  looking for mood music while they drink and make out, AND THATS GREAT because it means you won't have to play anything terribly interesting-- and all that really means is you can spend a TON of time promoting yourself and not so much time practicing... or innovating... or producing anything memorable or important.

In reality, our insignificant little galaxy is headed on a collision course for Andromeda:

and when that happens in 5.5 billion revolutions of Earth around our sun... well THEN my friend, nobody will know who the Beatles are, or why Lou Reed is important to 20th century music, that Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart wrote a song called Lick Me In the Arse, and absolutely nobody will know why or  when your band played a sloppy cover of this:

So, why even bother attempting to affect and inspire generations of humans to come, even from beyond your own grave. It'll be more fulfilling if you just go ahead and be cavalier about your dreams of living a shallow, marginally famous life through which you perpetuate the worship of fame and fortune instead of contributing even one, singular poetic thing to the human race-- because really, don't we all just want to get laid anyway? Its all about getting laid.

live long and prosper,

Uncle Bucket

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3. Ice or Heat...HOT ICE!

Dear Uncle Bucket,

I am a local musician, recently heartbroken and not quite ready to get back into the "sea of love".  What advice can you offer my tormented heart strings so that one day I can return to being a fully functioning date-able girl again?  It's far too cold this winter to feel lonely.

Ow My Frail Gumption

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Hey OMFG,

I sense two very different, even competing desires in you. Half of you, probably the left half, wants to feel close to someone...maybe even wants to get taken to pound-town.

Homegirl, you're newly single...and...halfheartedly...maybe...possibly...not that ready to mingle.

Meanwhile. the right half of you wants to hide in your room and do some personal growth kind of shit, like maybe play guitar, and mostly just catch up on House (he's off drugs now btw, and Chase KILLED someone).

Even your friends will be split on this. Some are going to try and tell you that you need a rebound, while some will suggest that you need to work on yourself and be alone for a while. Your simple minded friends will think you need a massive girl-gasm to feel better...while your friends of high-intellect will lend you some lame book to read, by some cheese-weed like this:

But in reality, it's as moot as the old debate on how to treat baseball injuries: heat or ice. Some say heat, some say ice. But really, if you put ice on your heart's contusion and it feels worse, well then you know you need heat.

Point being: you can take as long or as little time that you need to get back in the dating game, but always rely on your feelings as the guide to your feelings, and forget about what you're supposed to do.

One last folksy anecdote, about dating: my dad told me once that I never have to feel guilty about turning down a salesman; just the same way you never have to feel guilty about bowing out of a liason with a man if you just feel like going home. He'll call, I bet.

you can dew it,

Uncle Bucket

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Andrew Bucket is a regular contributor at BYT, and he is currently producing a 6 hour biographical documentary on Ken Burns.

SUBMIT your dilemmas to unclebucketadvice@gmail.com and he promises to keep you anonymous.

Previously in Misc/Awesome:

• 12/28: Terrible Boyfriend/ Girlfriend Generator.
• 12/1: The John Waters Advent Calendar-it starts today
• 11/28: It Chooses You: All I Want for Christmas is Everything from Miranda July's Pop-Up Shop
• 11/3: Things I'd Move to Minnesota For
• 9/6: PHOTOS: Maloof $$ Money Cup
• 9/2: PHOTOS: Chantilly Model Train Show
• 9/1: Libby's List: 5 Things I Want Right Now...
• 8/22: PHOTOS: Best Friends Day
• 8/10: PHOTOS: Lawn Mover Racing, Eastern Seaboard Regionals @ Bowles Farm
• 7/26: Special List: Things the BYGays Want Now That We Can Marry In DC (and NY!)