BrightestYoungThings: How to Determine If Darwin Deez Is Your Favorite Band

Step 1: Stumble on a video called Radar Detector while glazed over and half-awake on the porch looking into your laptop and smoking. You're still thinking about taxes and it is cloudy so you're not really paying attention until the middle part where he starts repeating himself and taking pictures and your cigarette burns down as you wonder: What is up with this dude's hair.

Step 2:

Do your taxes some more. As you're itemizing tacos bought for customers in your nonfictional, money losing '"business"' which is so laughable it deserves 3 quotation marks, you can't stop wondering whether his hair is a statement of joy in naive (or neo-sincere) recollection of early 90s new age storytellers and late 60s hippie cults or if it's just pretentious. Open new tab, see some videos of the guy dressed like a wizard. Watch this video 5 times while chanting made up HP Lovecraft spells. No effect/affect.

Step 3: The jacket in this dance video reminds you of forgetting to hide a boner in 7th grade while strolling down the hallway after school arm-in-arm with your chubby Polish girlfriend and two giant black girls spot it and start shrieking and laughing. In that the jacket and the dance are like pretending to be ashamed while being secretly proud but being ashamed of your perverse pride and all the while the boner continues to dent the green fabric of the tattered sweatpants.

Step 4: Get really confused because the guy's possible actual girlfriend looks slightly like that girl you dated in 7th grade except all grown up and cool and in a couple awesome bands:

Decide to learn their dance routines in case they ever come to DC to replicate them from the audience.

Step 5: Download their brand new record and some free EPs. Leave the house for the first time in a week. In the grocery store, everything smells like flowers. Strangers bop down the aisles to the rhythm of the songs like your eyes are filming a cheaply made youtube video. Old woman reaches for can of chili:

Darwin Deez - The Bomb Song by LuckyNumberMusic

Guatamalean family huddles around stacked display of Juicy Juice bouncing baby:

Darwin Deez - The Suicide Song by LuckyNumberMusic

Sweet potato rolls around a corner as if banana kicked by hurrying businessman:

Darwin Deez - Bed Space by LuckyNumberMusic

Step 6: Renew your expired Driver's Licence.

Step 7: Rent a car.

Step 8: Drive to Southeast and over the bridge into Anacostia. There's that park so you park and the water is green. Dance along the stone rimmed banks. Sing along with the headphones getting all the words wrong...

"Fuck You I'm /Going to Quit Smoking/ Tomorrow /FUCK YOU! ... FUCK YOU!"