Brightest Young Things

Hot girl band Five Four and Caverns seem to have a massive mutual hate-crush. Bad blood between these two bands is good news for you! The bands are offering bribes, two pair of tickets to their Saturday night show @ Velvet Lounge and a cd from each band to be exact- all if you take sides in the comments section.

Listen and decide who you like better:

Read about the feud......

Dear Caverns,

We know you're excited that girls are conversing with you via your favorite format, second only to craigstlist missed connections, but just because we agreed to let you on our show bill, this does not mean it's ok not to wear pants. We understand that your mom got rid of your collection of war hammer figures you'd been painting in your basement and that the next best thing was to form a rock band.  We also know about the awesome leather mugs you made for your friends at the Maryland Renn Faire, whom you apparently now entertain with fantastical man-rock and overly broad rock stances.  These unfortunate truths aside, again, we insist that you wear pants during your set. If you must, you are permitted to heed the wise admonishments of your fantasy rock heroes, Manowar, and rock some leather chaps. But that's as far as we'll go, because, despite what Washington Social Club and the high school girls from Bethesda say, Five Four is the only band in dc worth seeing without their pants on.

In case you didn't know, girls > than boys and no matter how many times you style it, you're not going to master the Chad Kroeger perm.  While the power of your wizard rock can change the physical properties of brick walls and slay dragons, you'll never be able to produce the same level of testosterone as your previously mentioned victory rock heros.  Luckily for you, the high school girls aren't so good at keeping an eye on their drinks and it's not exactly a "no" if she's unconscious, am I right?  We just hope you don't make her deaf first or have Kevin accidently hit her with his imitation Rick while working on moves to further ingratiate himself with the former members of Wham!

So haus, please stop drunk-texting us from PJ Skidoos when she swore she was 18 and promptly vomited on the over-sized spoiler of your 1998 Honda Civic, because we're not going to bail you out of jail again.  Let's finally be honest with each other.  When it comes down to it, you were only in jail for one night and we don't see why that required so many bare-chested man embraces and references to "bromance" that it has since inspired the entirety of your song writing.

Jesus doesn't love you,

Five Four

And The Response....

Dear Five Four,

First off, lets pump the brakes and consider your gratuitous use of "girls" to describe the members of Five Four. Your drummer is the closest thing you have in the band to a "girl" and he is the only person on stage not wearing a dress. It's like the Hogettes decided to form a shoegaze band after football season was over. I'm just hoping you guys don't get your instrument cables caught in your leg/pit hair again. As much as we support women who can barely play their instruments forming bands so they can "rage against the patriarchy", we don't need you falling over and accidentally revealing to the Velvet Lounge audience just what you have tucked up in those skirts.

We also think your "concern" about getting roofied by anyone is pretty hilarious. Let's be honest, the closest thing to being roofied any of you needs to worry about is getting a tranquilizer dart to the neck by someone from the National Zoo so they can get you back to your cages for more tests. I'm just waiting to count the number of people at the show who get sonically roofied by your music and pass out from the sheer boredom. The only ones left standing will be all those lesbian couples rocking their "KD Lang: Constant Craving '93" Tour shirts. It'll be so much like your weekly slam poetry readings you won't even have to write a rant about how daddy never payed attention! Hot Dog!

Look, we're sure this whole performing music thing is exciting for you "ladies". I mean, RuPaul did it, so why can't you, right? But, could we at least attempt not writing a song with "love" in the title? That word is used more times on your cd than anyone in your band has used a shower since 1999. Also what's the deal with the album title, "Bang Bang Robot"? Just cause the only thing that will bang you has five speeds, that doesn't make it a robot sweethearts. Oh and, by the by, slick move sending us a letter on BYT. I guess you got some girl or androgynous looking dude to look up from whatever dong they were doing lines off of long enough to remember they've tricked people into thinking they run a music website. I guess this monument to metrosexuality, dance punk and jeans that cut off circulation to the penis is the perfect venue for a "sassy girl band" to misdirect their daddy related hostility!

Finally: Boys > Girls. See you on March 7th
4 Non Blondes 4 Life!

Caverns