So last night I’m having a quick meal in some Chinese restaurant before I go see Traitor. Rather than Chinese music they are playing the radio (am I the only one who wants to hear ethnic music in ethnic restaurants? When I go to Hee-Been the Korean place I get Classical. Other places play Top 40. If you’ve got an ethnic place, play music from your country, damnit).
Radio, as most of us know, apart from a few choice offerings (AM 740 from Toronto, CA, or certain programs (Hot Jazz Saturday Night, The Big Broadcast) on 88.5), sucks.
But what sucks worse?
The Delilah show.
Who do we blame for the Delilah show?
Women. Thank you, women of America, for ruining my meal.
This entire show is a cliché, everything she says is either a cliché, or about God, or a cliché about God.
And she plays clichéd songs - which is where I got the idea for this column. We rate everything else on here from how suck a dance night is or isn’t to album covers to food places to clothing stores so why not rate songs?
So each week I’m going to pick one shitty song I heard and rate its lyrics on the cliché scale. I’ll also give a bit of background on it. The column is starting off with a bang because I doubt that there has ever been a song written that has more clichés than Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On”
“Hold On”" bumped “Vogue” out of the number 1 slot to hit #1 on the Billboard Chart in 1990. Yes, that’s right, this wheelbarrow load of slug shit was the number one song in America. This means more Americans requested this song or bought the CD than any other song released at that time. Luckily for me at that time I was going through about 10 different Army schools in preparation for “liberating” Kuwait so I am completely and absolutely not responsible. I have an alibi. I don’t even think I heard “Hold On” until long past its prime.
But I heard it last night.
So here we go. Scale of 10, with 10 being a snapshot of a Fratboy in a sideways hat, a sweatshirt, cargo pants and sandals going “woo” when his equally clichéd black dress wearing Sorority girlfriend is funneling a beer (I was going to use Norman Rockwell but I like him) and 1 being, uh, not a cliché:
I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains? (cliché)
No one can change your life except for you (cliché)
Don’t ever let anyone step all over you (cliché)
Just open your heart and your mind (cliché)
Is it really fair to feel this way inside? (kind of a cliché)
Some day somebody’s gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry (cliché)
Don’t you know?
Don’t you know things can change (cliché)
Thingsll go your way (cliché)
If you hold on for one more day (cliché)
Can you hold on for one more day (repeat)
Thingsll go your way (repeat)
Hold on for one more day (repeat)
You could sustain (cliché)
Or are you comfortable with the pain? (cliché)
You’ve got no one to blame for your unhappiness (cliché)
You got yourself into your own mess (cliché)
Lettin your worries pass you by (cliché)
Don’t you think its worth your time
To change your mind? (cliché)
(I won’t subject you to the chorus again)
And the rest of the song is just a mish-mash of them taking turns singing what they’ve already sung:
Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On” gets a solid 9.9.
Almost every fucking line in this song is a cliché. The only reason they are not a perfect 10 is because, well, because nothing is perfect. At the college I attended, since 1775 there have only been two 4.0 GPAs issued overall because the professors (and college) believe that a 4.0 is perfect and perfection doesn’t mean anything if 90% of your graduating class has a 4.0 GPA (ahem, Ivy League). So I’m borrowing their attitude. Regardless, 9.9 is going to be hard to beat.
HoHH - You’re one of those people who complains about TV shows while firmly glued in front of them aren’t you?
If it as a column bothers you, don’t read it.
September 4, 2008 at 2:05 pmDone and done, muchacho.
September 4, 2008 at 2:10 pmStill, it speaks to a deeper problem that has recently emerged at BYT: an otherwise useful site drowning out its worthwhile content in dross like this and the “internet garbage of the day” feature. Stick with what you know!
September 4, 2008 at 2:12 pmUh, I know cliches when I see them?
September 4, 2008 at 2:13 pmSorry M, I don’t get the point of this column. Clichés are highly contextual. They can be smart, clever and funny if used in the right moment and the right context. So what is the idea? Choosing really bad and annoying songs and proving how shallow they are? This is not news. How about deconstructing cool songs for clichés? Then again, there are really many out there. Music history is really full of songs with cheesy or nonsense lyrics. In fact, finding good songs with really poetic lyrics is a much bigger challenge…and probably more enjoyable.
September 4, 2008 at 2:16 pmI kindof love this song. Precisely because it’s full of every single cliche out there. It seriously cracks me up. And the video KILLS me. love me some boardwalk scene.
I say, bring it on. I could use extra laughs these days.
September 4, 2008 at 2:26 pmIt’s a column in the works. It came to me because I happened to hear a bad and annoying song (that was the number 1 song in America and therefore the Universe) that was nothing but one cliche after another.
I did say I’d pick a shitty song I heard but I could also pick good ones. I have a couple in mind, even. And it could develop into where the cliche came from, why it’s ok vs not ok, why some annoy us and some don’t and so on and so forth.
Or I could just bag it.
September 4, 2008 at 2:27 pmnp - good idea. though i don’t think michael deserved a bashing for this post. a column deconstructing lyrics full of analogies, metaphors and affinities and seeing how people decipher them would be interesting. try starting with ’she’s a jar’ by wilco. (lots of wilco lyrics are full this stuff). there are tons of good, kooky lyrics out there waiting to be deconstructed. it can be fun for the whole family! (cliche).
September 4, 2008 at 2:52 pmI think you should be sure to hold the songwriters accountable. This song is mostly the work of Glen Ballard who, despite playing the synths on MJ’s “Bad”, is responsible for a litany of horrific (and cliched) music. From Jack Wagner’s solo disc to Paula Abdul’s “Forever Your Girl” and then the big whammy - Alanis’s “Jagged Little Pill.” The man is a menace and needs to be stopped!
I would be willing to bet he has another 9.9 in his resume.
By the way - my friend from high school just impregnated and married Chynna Phillips little sister Busy. Just saying. Maybe one day I will get the chance to stare at Chynna and the Baldwins at some awkward party…
September 4, 2008 at 3:38 pmJohn you’re right and I thought I did (and coming off my recent Vintage Video post about Badfinger you’d think I’d pay more attention). I figured they didn’t write it but then did a quick search and couldn’t find anything to the contrary and saw it was nominated for a grammy.
Stupid me to figure that if you are nominated for an award you should actually have written the song.
But after your post I did go and find the credit is listed as: Songwriters: Carnie Wilson, Chynna Phillips, Glen Ballard.
So fuck that guy too.
I’ll be more careful in the future to lay blame equally.
September 4, 2008 at 3:43 pmjohn, if you run into billy b, ask him to do his best “gimme the keys, ya fukincocksuckamuthafuckaaaaaaaaaa!”. i know i would.
September 4, 2008 at 3:50 pmGlen Ballard may be my new hero.
September 4, 2008 at 3:55 pmSvetlana - I know you mean that in a “hero because Michael will be able to mine songs for articles from Ballard and turn them into hilarious and witty articles for BYT which I love reading more than anything else in thw world” but the other readers may not have such a keen insight on your thought processes as I do.
So, well, there everyone goes. That’s why she likes Ballard. Just so we’re clear.
September 4, 2008 at 3:57 pmi meant steven, damnit
September 4, 2008 at 4:01 pmMr. Foster…do I hear a gettin’ Busy joke?
No, of course not.
September 4, 2008 at 4:13 pmJon - I think getting pregnant and following it up with marriage is only the “right” way to go about things these days and no laughing matter.
Michael - I whole heartedly support the “fuck that guy too” sentiment. I am not sure Svet is being ironic though…
September 4, 2008 at 4:26 pmi’m just going to skip over that whole conversation.
i would just like to say that i wish that those semi-mushroom cuts would go out of style forever. i hate them.
also, at work i used to hate working evening shifts because we would have to listen to 97.1 and delilah makes me want to take my scissors to my ears. what was worse though was when people (mostly single, overweight, overall unfortunate looking women) would talk about how great delilah is, or “she’s helped so many people…” etc.
and now, because of 97.1 i know every shania twain single, by heart.
September 4, 2008 at 4:58 pmThis column just went from dud to stud in about 30 seconds:
http://warriorklan.com/oldschool/discography/testify/glenb.JPG
MeeeOWW
September 4, 2008 at 6:24 pmHe looks like Rod Argent
http://www.bobharris.info/images/gallery/rodargentcolinblunstone.jpg
Please don’t let this become a regular feature. As much as I would love to read Michael’s personal blog, I think the unnecessary hostility and masturbatory elitism would kill us all.
September 4, 2008 at 1:56 pm