Following, last week’s PSA about Hollywood video closing, Eric continues reviewing all the long lost 80s and 90s vhs gems he keeps uncovering there.
‘The Invincible Barbarian’ - (1982)
Conan…I mean, ‘Gunan’.
’Conan the Barbarian’was a popular film. So the Italian film industry cranked out a bunch of imitations to cash in on the craze. Some of these ‘me-too’ films can be entertaining. This one’s pretty lame. After a long, time-killing prologue about the dawn of mankind, etc. (with dinosaur footage from ‘One Million Years B.C.’), a narrator tells us about some prophecy about a warrior named ‘Gunan’ who will save mankind from some evil or whatever, etc. At some point in the Bronze Age, a village is attacked by a marauding tribe. The chief of the tribe’s wife gives birth to twins in the midst of the attack, and everyone is killed except for a midwife who carries the (unusually silent) babies about 100ft away before she also dies. She’s immediately stumbled upon by some Amazons strolling by (whom the marauders don’t seem to notice). Both kids are adopted by the Amazons. Years later, both kids (who look like they’re in their 40’s) remain unnamed by their Amazon parents (who haven’t aged at all). One of them is Gunan of the Prophecy, but which one is it? So they duke it out over who’s the more Invincible Barbarian. One wins. The marauders from the beginning of the film attack again. The Amazon ladies and Gunan fight them. Gunan and the Amazons win. Gunan avenges his mother’s killer. The narrator alludes to Gunan being deified in generations to come, in an epilogue that conveniently kills more running time and threatens a sequel. For some reason, there’s a lot more Amazon nudity in the second half.
‘Metallica’ aka ‘Star Odyssey’ - (1978)
Goofy Italian Star Wars-inspired rip-off cinema. And it’s a sequel.
I don’t know why this film is called ‘Metallica’, but I imagine it may have helped sell some copies when this tape was released in 1987. This movie has absolutely nothing to do with Metallica or even metal, literally or figuratively. This is one of the sequels to ‘Cosmos - War of the Planets’ (see previous review). The guy who directed these films, Alfonso Brescia aka ‘Al Bradley’, wasn’t big on cohesive narrative. Out in some cheap starfield somewhere, planet Earth is being auctioned off to the highest-bidding alien by an evil overlord. The alien overlord shows his superiority over puny humans by showing some black and white stock footage of buildings being destroyed in World War 2. Earth’s government suppresses the news that entire cities are being wiped off the face of the planet and turn to a super-scientist who can stop the destruction and enslavement of ‘African Natives’, which is illustrated with National Geographic-style stock footage of ‘African Natives’. The aliens aren’t actually particular about who they want to enslave. This appears to be the only stock footage they had available, so the characters repeatedly remind us that ‘other races are being enslaved as well!’. The super-scientist assembles a team to fight the aliens: a sexy lady scientist who works in a tight leather body suit, a male and female robot (with metal eyelashes) in love with each other and a gymnastic fighter who jumps around a lot. The aliens respond by unleashing an army of clones (who all look like Brian Jones). Some more shit happens. People talk and scenery changes. The fighting guy does some more gymnastics. Then the music swells and whatever plot elements left over are talked about, but we can’t hear them because the soundtrack music is too loud. The end. This film is like a long, retarded fever dream. But it keeps chugging along stupidly like nobody’s business until it ends.
‘The Mean Machine’ aka ‘Ricco’ - (1973)
Gory, nasty and violent revenge drama, with a deceptively stupid-looking VHS box.
Chris Mitchum (Jim Mitchum’s expatriate son) stars as Ricco, who gets out of jail hell-bent for vengeance after the mob kills his father and steals his girlfriend. The mob guys keep a huge vat filled with sulfuric acid that they toss their victims into. Not even Ricco’s disabled mother or pregnant sister are spared. One guy who messes around with the mob boss’ girlfriend is castrated and then tossed into the acid. They don’t make them like this anymore. With Barbara Bouchet (who steals a car from some mobsters by performing a strip routine in the middle of the street) and Malisa Longo (one of the Amazons from ‘Invincible Barbarians, who gets tossed into the acid in this film). Entertaining as hell, and worth checking out if only to see where Tarantino rips off his ideas from.
