Jason Griffenhagen (of Death by Sexy , sharp dresser, and rapscallion) reviews (post-release) whatever movie was number 1 in the box office the previous weekend, and tells everyone why its fucking terrible. or good. And yes, please feel free to discuss this with him at length whenever you spot him at the Cat. He cherishes every second of it.
(illustration by Evan Keeling)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Yawn

Potter mania has taken me over, kiddies! I soooo excited to get the new book! I can’t wait to find out who dies! In fact, I already know who dies! They all do! Actually the novel ends in a giant gangbang where everyone gets a nut off on Hermione, then she turns evil and cuts off all their heads. Then they all eat boiled meat, or whatever young English wizards and witches do post-coitus.

Actually, I could care less about Harry Potter and his adventures. I am completely disinterested and totally bored by all of it. I have never read one letter on one page of those stupid books, and I predict I never will. My reading time is spent on more important pieces of literature like the Motley Crue book or anything written by a professional wrestler.

This apathy translates directly to my feelings towards the film. As an example of how entranced I was by the film, I went to the bathroom twice, and I fell asleep. The last time I fell asleep in the middle of a film was…let’s see…that’s right! The last Harry Potter film! I’ve discovered that the films aren’t that bad, it’s just that I would rather watch something interesting, like the new Paula Abdul show on Bravo. And if you haven’t seen Hey Paula! yet, let me confirm. Paula Abdul is completely nuts, and obviously high on cocaine. The best part is in nearly every episode she “has the flu” and “can’t go to sleep”. Usually when I have the flu and can’t go to sleep at night, I take some Nyquil, and at least pass out for a few hours. But, I’m not on a first name basis with Sanjaya, and I never starred in a video with Keanu Reeves. Oh – also, I suspect that people with the flu don’t constantly grind their teeth like they were trying to make cornmeal. In other Bravo reality show news, Posh has a show that has something to do with grafting grapefruits on your chest and trying to look like the Grays from the X-files. Anygay, back to Mr. Potter.

This edition of the Potter series features Harry gathering and training a group of close friends in the ways of magical combat in order to prepare for the coming war with the evil wizard Voldemort. Harry’s progress is impeded by an evil Headmistress named Umbridge. I’m unsure why Umbridge is such a bitch, and why Voldemort is trying to kill Harry, but I assume if I read the book, or paid any attention to the film I might know. But that would mean I’d have to write notes or something in the theater, and there’s nothing more insufferable than a dickbag scribbling illegible rantings in the dark.

Maybe I’ve been jaded by all the other summer blockbusters that seem to be one great big 2 hour explosion, but Harry Potter just isn’t any fun. There’s a lot of talking, and a noticeable absence of anything significantly exciting in the film until the last obligatory Giant Battle Scene. In most ways, The Order of the Phoenix just feels like a setup for the next film. Not much gets resolved, and being the only person in the audience who hasn’t read the books, it just pissed me off.

And another thing that pissed me off…I guess I was mistaken about the interweb rumor that Daniel Radcliffe has sex with a horse or something in this movie, and I was quite disappointed on the significant lack of beastiality in the film. As far as the rest of the movie, I’d like to tell you I knew what was going on, but I couldn’t really remember anything that happened in the previous 4 films. All I know is Harry is looking pretty old. I figure by the time they film the final chapter, Harry is going to be sporting a full Fu Manchu, with a receding hairline & beer belly, going out with a 45 year-old stripper named Lexus or Porsha, and doing rails of adderall off a midgets ass or something.

Now THAT sounds like something I’d like to watch!

Next week: being a HOMO is funny! Adam Sandler and Kevin James pretend to be queer in I Now Pronounce This One Painful Gay Joke. Til then, I’m off to Equestrian Camp.