Brightest Young Things

In which Jason Griffenhagen (of Death by Sexy , sharp dresser, and ingenue) reviews (post-release) whatever movie was number 1 in the box office the previous weekend, and tells everyone why its fucking terrible. or good.
And it is goldmine season: SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS ARE HERE. No more artsy fartsiness and mediocre CGI, oh no, we're playing with the big boys now.Now, Spiderman 3 was #1 this week AGAIN (duh) so we sent him to see 28 weeks later

and in return we got this:

Faithful Readers…In lieu of an actual movie review this week, I am writing the following:

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT (you know his name, he lives down the street from you):

RE: Strategies and whatnot

Dearest Georgie,

I know you've been having some trouble lately, what with all the godless pagans who have taken over Congress. Its HARD to work with them isn't it? They demand things, and compromise can be a difficult thing for someone who usually gets whatever they want all the time. Well, more difficult then working with right minded individuals who have the proper respect for your crown…ah…I mean office. But, fear not, fearless leader! The answers are right at your expensively manicured fingertips! The answers that will properly secure your place in history as the leader Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior has chosen to Secure Freedom and Make Democracy Safe for those who never even knew that they wanted it. Some people just need a little surprise gift every now and again. Well, except homeless people, they'll just spend that gift on the three Worst Things for America: Crack Cocaine, Pornography, and the New York Times. Anyways…there's a movie that just came out last weekend that you should watch. Its called 28 Weeks Later, and it's about ZOMBIES!

Now, I know you probably didn't see it. You are a very busy guy. There are German chancellors that need massaging, and people of color from far away lands you have to dance with awkwardly. I assume you only have time to attend one movie premiere a week. And knowing your intense love for the comic genius of Larry the Cable Guy my guess is that you went to see Delta Farce. I myself didn't see it, but only because my American Flag Do-Rag was in the wash, and I also had to go with Kirk Cameron to find more pictures of crocodiles with chicken heads that disprove the ridiculous lie of evolution. So I looked at what was popular this week, and decided to see 28 Weeks Later.

You may not notice because of the gallons of blood spewed forth from the mouths of the zombies infected with the Rage virus, but there are a lot of themes and situations in this movie that parallel the righteous war in Iraq. First of all, they call the uninfected quadrant the Green Zone, which is pretty much what they call the same area in Baghdad. Although, the filmmakers didn't have the foresight to put a bunch of Starbucks and Burger Kings in the movie, which I feel is a terrible missed opportunity for marketing dollars. As you know, we all can't be as aware as you are of the numerous capitalistic ventures that are available, even in the most dire of situations. Some of us aren't smart like that. But, never mind that now, all we really need to know is that the good people are inside the Green Zone, and the bad, infected people are outside the Green Zone. There's even a unit of American soldiers sent in by NATO to control the menace. Is this starting to sound familiar? All you really have to do is think of the zombies as terrorists, and you have the perfect plan for destroying all of the godless evil-doers. There's even a three step process, outlined in the film, for making sure that all Zombies(Terrorists) are eliminated, and don't infect Our Troops, or even the unfortunate British who happen to be in the way of the American bullets.

1: Get Rid of the Infected

-This involves identifying those that are infected, and then eliminating them. Now I know it would be easier to identify Terrorists if they were like the Zombies in the film and had hemorrhaging eyeballs and vomited blood…but…HEY! Wait a sec…they DO all wear those goofy towels on their heads, right? At least that's a starting point.

2: Containment

-If just identifying and eliminating the Zombies doesn't work, the next step is to quarantine them. If only America could think properly like we did during the last Great War, World War II! We would be able to set up Sleepover Camps for the Arabs like we did the Japanese. But the terrible mass media, which I suspect is run by a cabal of New York Sodomites, would never let us do what is necessary. They do it in the movie, though, and it certainly works wonders.

3: Extermination

-Except it didn't exactly work wonders. OK, it IS a movie, and even when you plan something as thoroughly as you did with Operation Iraqi Freedom it sometimes doesn't work out well. Anyways, in the film, when the Rage Virus inevitably breaks out again, the Troops do what is necessary and start killing everyone, Zombie and non-Zombie alike. Hell, if the baby and the bath water look the same, sometimes you gotta throw them both out! Again, when it gets to this point, you just have to start eliminating everything and everyone you suspect doesn't look or think the same way as you do. Its too bad Nancy Pelosi doesn't like to eat brains, right? Ha-ha! That can be our little private joke. Well, as long as you shred this letter, but I'm sure you're so efficient with doing that these days that even your Christmas cards are lining the cat's litter box.

Well, Georgie, my boy, as good as these suggestions are, I'm afraid you probably won't be able to implement any of them. At least you could go see the movie. It kind of rules, as far as horror movies go. There's this great scene where a dude in a helicopter shreds zombies to bits with the blades, just like in Grindhouse! Plus there's tons of shooting. Although, you may want to take some Dramamine before you see it, there's a lot of Shaky-Cam, and I know you have a week stomach. Plus, its pretty scary, so bring your blankie.

In the meantime, Stay the Course, and bring Freedom to those who need it the most. This, of course, is every American who believes in god. And by god, I mean Jesus. Not all those other silly Martian Outer Space Moon Man Gods, like Allah or Buddha, or whatever one the Jews have. Who came up with those guys anyways? Probably someone who reads a lot of books. And we all know books only put facts in your head, and who needs facts when you have the Lord?

Yours in Christ,

Jason Griffenhagen

PS – GIT-R-DONE!!! You know I couldn't get through an entire letter without trying to make you spray milk out of your nose, buddy!

NEXT week: The summer of the"This movie is kinda OK but not as good as the original" continues with Shrek 3. Til then, I need someone to help me down off my high horse. Its lonely up here, kids.