Brightest Young Things

This one's for the soccer moms

I feel really strange, kiddies. I cannot remember I time when I have felt more awkward going to a movie. My Disney Channel obsessed drummer and I decided the best way to watch the new Hannah Montana movie would be to chug a six-pack then head on over to the theater. Instead of steeling our nerves all that happened was a couple of shady looking dirtbags stumbled into a packed theater reeking of beer. I could actually hear the tightening of every parents worried hands around their children's wrists.
Aside from the complete ridiculousness of us actually going to see this movie, the movie actually turned out to be pretty good. The movie is in 3D and we sat right down in the front row, put on our glasses and went along for the ride. If it was a band I really wanted to see, I would have been super stoked. Apparently there's also a U2 3D concert movie, which would have possibly been a better fit for me to see in the theater, but I don't particularly care about U2 either.

The film takes its cues from every other concert film made: we see Hannah rehearsing the show, backstage before the show, performing the show, and changing outfits during the show. Pepper that with a few interviews with her, her mom, and the timeless Billy Ray Cyrus, and you've got as much insight into Mylie Cyrus as anyone would ever really hope to have. Unless, of course, you are an 8 year old girl, then there's nothing you don't want to know about Hannah Montana.

What's illuminating about the film is the target audience, who completely freak out when attending a Hannah Montana show, blissfully unaware that their moms probably did the same thing to David Cassidy in the 70s. They are pre-pubescent girls, and do what pre-pubescent girls do best, SCREAM AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS. Actually, screaming isn't appropriate. It's more of a blood-curdling banshee wail, which if one tone higher in pitch, would only be able to be heard by our canine friends. I suppose this is the reason the parents in the film go to the extreme lengths they do for their kids: to shut them up. The fathers are especially ridiculous. Some wear blond Hannah wigs; I pray at the bequest of their daughters and not out of some deep seeded desire to dress like a 15 year old girl. In one sequence, a group of Nascar Dads participate in a radio contest for Hannah tickets in which they have to race in high heels across an expanse of wet pavement. I feel sorry for the unlucky ones who not only lost but got faces full of asphalt and a good bloody case of road rash. They didn't win the tickets, and had to go home empty handed, only to be chided by a shrieking 9 year old.

I wonder if these 9 year olds are savvy enough to know that Hannah Monatana is a character played by Mylie Cyrus. Mylie, or her managers, seem savvy enough to know that her character and the show isn't going to last forever. So during the set she runs backstage, takes off her blond wig, and comes back out to perform as herself. This was the best part of the show, as the songs got noticeably darker, and thus, more interesting. One of the songs, "See you again", sounds like a combination of Eurythmics and Corey Hart. As much as a song that sounds like a commercial for acne medication really can. A side note: I'm also totally stealing a riff from another one of her songs, and that song is going to RAWK.

As a performer, Mylie certainly has an undeniable charisma and a pleasant enough singing voice. The 3D effectively puts you up close and in the middle of the action, and you get to see close-ups of her. Most times she has a look that conveys "Man, I'm really lucky to be doing this" combined with "I know this is cheesy, but I love performing." If her material matures as she does, I'm sure she'll be a be in the spotlight for significantly longer than her Achy Breaky father.

Apart from the Hannah Montana performance, there also is a performance by the teen boy band the Jonas Brothers . The most notable thing they do, besides being able to play their instruments without them being on, is to dedicate both of their songs to "All the ladies in the audience." Incidentally, their respective ages are 20, 18 and 15. Now, I don't know what "ladies" these guys are talking about, the underage girls or their cougar mothers but I do have some advice for them: Dudes, please be careful, and ALWAYS check IDs. There's two things I know from experience: Cougars will eat you alive and braces can really hurt if you don't know what you're doing.

My Reaction: Pretty Good(3.5 out of 5)
If you are a girl in fifth grade: Completely Radical(5 out of 5)

Next week: Martin Lawrence gets back from wild'n out on his hog, in Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins. Til then, I'm trying to get all those Hannah Montana songs out of my head. Stay mature, kids