Brightest Young Things

Yes, I've been absent for a couple of weeks, what with the Death by Sexy recording, my being sick, and the fact that nobody thought better of the box office offerings a couple weeks ago than to make the Mr. Bean movie the highest grossing new release. But I'm back. so here you are.

Rob Zombie's Halloween

The best horror movie featuring a mask not about Rocky Dennis

I had a terrible roommate in college. I mean awful. Now, my kind of awful may not be your kind of awful. He didn't come in at all hours and be loud, he didn't steal my food, and he didn't smell like rotting balls. The things he did were more Urkel annoying than Ogre-annoying*. Like when we would watch a television show and he would just comment on how awesome the commercials were. Or his habit of blaring the Penn State Marching Band cd and prancing around the room to it. Or the time he ate snackwells brand lo-fat sandwich cookies and dipped them in mayonnaise. But none of that got my dander up more than his proclivity for not waking up when his alarm clock went off. That was fucking torture. Evidently, he told his mother that he was having trouble waking up, because when we returned from Christmas break he had a new alarm clock.

It was a Japanese Cat alarm clock.

That was holding a trumpet.

And the alarm was a LOUD trumpet blare followed by a strange Asian Feline voice screaming:

"WAKE UP!!! WAKE UP!!! TIME TO FACE THE DAY!!!"

I wanted to kill him. Seeing as I was a film major, I decided it might be better to make a movie about it.

Unfortunately, when I pitched my idea to my teacher about a guy who goes crazy, kills his roommate and then is tortured by his roommates supernatural alarm clock**, she said I needed more back story. The killer needed more motivation than just a silly alarm clock. I said, "Haven't you seen horror movies? There's rarely more motivation for the killers to kill than that! Haven't you ever seen Halloween?"

Well, she hadn't, but I believe Rob Zombie has. And on some level, I think he was present with me that day***, because my teacher's questions obviously got to him.

Which brings us to the newest chapter in the Halloween series: Halloween.

This episode is an interesting one. Mr. Zombie reimagines the whole first movie, but instead of Jamie Lee Curtis's Laurie role as the main character, Michael Myers becomes the focus. For the first half of the movie, we get insights into 10 year old Micheal's life. This includes one of the best redneck couple arguments I've ever seen in a movie****. Daeg Faerch, who plays the young Micheal Myers, is one of the creepiest, children of the corn-iest kids I've seen in any film in recent years. Not to mention he looks a lot like how one of my ex-girlfriends did when she was that age, which is doubly frightening. The thousand-yard stare he gets in his eyes when he kills people is truly scary. And this is what the first half of this movie is: truly scary. There's nothing creepier than a seemingly helpless 10 year old in a clown mask turning someone's skull to mush with an aluminum baseball bat.

Then we get to the second half of the movie. Which, basically, is a condensed version of the original Halloween by John Carpenter. So, if you've seen that, then you know what's gonna happen. It is definitely more brutal than the original, but, as Senator Craig must think when he looks at a glory hole, I've seen this before, but it doesn't mean I'm not gonna like it.

So, take note, keepers of the rights to tired horror franchises! Hire Rob Zombie. This is a man who knows how to do horror movies properly. Lots of naked high school girls, lots of bloody violence, and lots of creepy clown masks*****. And, yes, Professor Hoffman, there IS a back story.

Next week: Summer really is over, cause a bunch of action movies with good, academy recognized actors are coming up: Crowe & Bale in 3:10 to Yuma, and Owen & Giamatti in Shoot Em Up. Til then, I'm working on my scary clown mask. Stay bloody, kids.

*See Also: Family Matters and Revenge of the Nerds.

**If anyone cares to see this movie, please ask. I actually stole my roommate's alarm clock, then smashed it to bits with a hammer in slo-motion. Very satisfying.

***Probably in the form of the White Zombie CD: La Sexorcisto: Devil Music Vol. 1 I had in my discman in backpack.

****They argue about cooking eggs. Brilliant.

*****Not to mention a sex scene with a Misfits song playing in the background. That made my heart go all pitter-pat.