I, Queue Genius: Crazy Fuckin’ Cronenberg! (Rated R)
April 2, 2008 by El Chico Cesar 
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I’M BACK YINZ! Back with a vengeance, back with a mean streak, with a massive hunger for violence, an insatiable urge for destruction and a ridiculous need for speed! Basically, I am back with three films from the master of arthouse-blood-letting, Mr. David “Scar-Sex” Cronenberg! Ce Canadien est cray-étrange!
This week on I, Queue Genius: First, James Spader in his creepiest role ever and that’s saying somethin’, y’all!, then, Viggo Mortensen fucks up suburbia and finally, Viggo Mortensen fucks up his fellow Russians.
Crash (Canada, 1996). No, bitches, I am NOT talking about the ode-to-racism that won the Academy Award a few years back. I am talking about Cronenberg’s creepy-as-shit meditation on probably one of the weirdest fucking fetishes in the history of weirdest fucking fetishes, including mine. In a bust-a-nutshell: girl meets boy, boy seduces girl, girl gets into bone-breaking car accident, boy fucks her while bleeding on the side of the road. Ok, ok, so there’s more to this fascinating film which to me is part arthouse weirdness ala Lynch and part B-movie ridicularity. Basically, what I’m saying is, what I mean is, you HAVE TO see it!
A History of Violence (USA, 2005). Fast forward 10 years and Cronenberg has abandoned saggy-faced Spader and picked up Viggo “The Real McDreamy” Mortensen, who so amazingly portrays a family man with a dark, dark, past. Perhaps one of my favorite films of 2005, A History of Violence is an intensely cool and surprisingly real drama about a family trying to keep their shit together when the past comes back to haunt them with a bone-breaking vengeance. And oh, my, there is so bone-breaking in this one. Cause, well, after all, we are talking about Cronenberg, right? Rounding up this solid Hollywood cast are Maria Bello as Mortensen’s no-nonsense wife, and the seriously good Ed Harris as a creepy shaded stranger with some creepy shaded moves.
Eastern Promises (UK, 2007). It’s like Cronenberg read our minds with Eastern Promises cause after A History of Violence, we wanted more, more, more, and we liked it…or something like that. Viggo is back and this time Viggo is Russian, a cool Russian, a dangerous Russian, a cool/dangerous Russian just trying to play the cards he was dealt, a Russian with a dirty past, trying to walk a straight line. But wait, folks, this is a Cronenberg film, not some bad-guy-turns-good crap. Naomi Watts plays a London midwife who unknowingly infiltrates a notorious crime cartel to avenge the death of a young girl. Enter Nikolai, Viggo’s most fascinating character to date, yeah, fuck you, Aragorn, and what you got is a Grade-A 100% drama with a perfect blend of violence, story and mood. Oh man, guys, Cronenberg is good. And Eastern Promises is as good as Cronenberg gets. And that’s REALLY GOOD. Я обещаю!
IQG, now that you’ve basically jerked off to Cronenberg movies, what else Cronenberg can I jerk off to? Try, M. Butterfly (USA, 1993), Naked Lunch (Canada, 1991) and The Fly (USA, 1986).
Next week on I, Queue Genius: Somebody should wash my mouth out with soap…assholes.
Videodrome
The Brood
Scanners
old school Cronenberg is decidedly more fucked up.
April 2, 2008 at 9:32 amI for shiz agree that old school Cronenberg is unarguably more insane-da-mem, BUT, these three films for me tell pretty weird, ridiculous, good stories.
April 2, 2008 at 9:35 amtrue strory, i was flipping through the channels and saw ‘crash’ was on, so i started watching it thinking it was the oscar winning best pic (which i still haven’t seen). it was cronenberg’s version. took about 30 minutes for me to realize my error but i had a sliver of respect for the academy going, but no…
April 2, 2008 at 9:49 amCronenbergers -
I share your enthusiasm for these fine flicks (and let us not forget the bizarre-fest that is existenz), but I have a question for you. I’ve been waiting to watch Naked Lunch until I read the book (a policy I usually try to abide by). I finally bought the book, but who knows when I’ll get to it.
Is it worth waiting, or should I just watch the damn thing?
April 2, 2008 at 10:09 amecc - thanks for the review. i have been wanting to see ‘a history of violence’. i need to get to it. cronenberg is a twisted fucker and i love him. scanners was awesome.
April 2, 2008 at 11:34 amFlash: I say just go ahead and watch the ddamn film. I read parts of Crash and must say that it doesn’t see like Cronenberg basically converted it, rather he ran with it and made it his own.
April 2, 2008 at 11:57 amNot to mention that The Naked Lunch is essentially unreadable. And I don’t care whether you’re on drugs or not, it still is unreadable.
However, the movie, while almost unwatchable, can, in fact, be finished.
I’m still sticking by my guns that “The Brood” should have been included here, btw.
All Cronenberg movies are about sexual/primal issues we all have only pushed to the extremes, and nothing is more primal than that stuff. RENT.IT.NOW.
April 2, 2008 at 12:02 pmUm, I haven’t seen any of these films (yet). I’m waiting to get my flat-screen TV, and will then have a *ahem* “solitary” viewing of Eastern Promises.
Mmmmmmmmmmmm….Viggo. Just thinking about him puts me in my Happy Place.
Welcome back Cesar!
April 2, 2008 at 12:32 pmthe first movie on the flat-screen will be willy wonka. bet.
April 2, 2008 at 12:39 pmflash: watch the movie, it’s his interpretation of naked lunch, you can totally dig it without the literary background.
April 2, 2008 at 5:50 pmLong live the new flesh
April 3, 2008 at 8:55 amI love the old school Cronenberg, and while the content of Eastern Promises and HoV is less visually disturbing they might be just as effective at voicing his concerns. In both new films the character of the subculture makes the character of the sex- or was it the other way around? Anyways, one movie not yet mentioned is Dead Ringers– which might be the crossover from old to new Cronenberg– it still has some extremely visually disturbing elements, but it has the tenser and more suspenseful feel of the new bits.
April 3, 2008 at 9:41 am
I didn’t see Crash, but I agree with you on “A history of Violence” I’ts excellent! Now, Eastern Promises… I have to disagree, sorry! Sure, Viggo is awesome in that role, and that naked-fighting scene is wonderully disgusting, but I think the plot is poor, in fact is sort of cheese and toward the end even laughable. I think it would have been a better movie without the nurse character and their semi-love story. Just my 3 cents.
April 2, 2008 at 9:28 am