And this just isn’t.

First of all, you can’t swing Scarlett/Natalie/Eric (and Jim Sturgess! who, poor thing, is just there for sheer decoration, and nothing but decoration, and still manages to be the most likable of all the characters) in front of an audience in promises of sexual intrigue and then only supply us with creepy soft focuses that would probably cause even Fabio would put his foot down during.

Second of all, you can’t make promises of any kind of historical accuracy when you decide to not really touch upon major topics (we were leaving the theater and Alexandra turns to me and says: “Did I fall asleep or did they totally skip through the whole Henry-being-ex-communicated ordeal?” No Alexandra, you did not fall asleep - this is probably the only 2 hour+ movie that I feel could have used 2 more hours to get some basic things across.)

Third of all, the cast is TRAGICALLY misused. I, for one, always think that Scarlett sort of looks like a dead fish and emotes in the similar vein but ALL THE CHARACTERS (even the usually spunky Natalie Portman) are just so underdeveloped that unless someone announces on the screen that “Mary is sweet” you probably wouldn’t know she is. Feeble, yes. Sweet….maybe?

There is no dialogue that is not intended strictly for the purposes for driving the (already really stripped down) plot and zero, I mean, zero relationship development between anyone. It is “Days of our Lives” on the British Court. But with creepier, softer lighting.

The only person who emerges somewhat unscarred from the whole thing is Kristin Scott Thomas who, as the mother of the two girls, gives off the kind of regal stoicism that seems both perfectly decorum-appropriate and heartbreaking. Too bad she is really only in 5 scenes.

The rest is kind of Harlequin-meets-the-Tudors and you’re all much better off renting “Elizabeth”, waiting for “The Tudors” to come back on Showtime in a few weeks or simple watching another Army of Lovers video.