The “watch test” is one of the simpler, more reliable metrics I use to determine whether a movie is any good. A bad movie will typically cause me to check my watch within the first hour of its start time. Conversely, a movie is pretty damn awesome if it prevents me from checking my watch at all. I share this with you because I checked my watch within the first thirty minutes of Chris Weitz’s New Moon. I imagine those who cherish Stephenie Meyer’s books will find the experience rapturous, especially since they’ll know precisely what the characters are thinking. I haven’t read the books, so I found its plot perplexing and its character development absurd. Twilight is by no means great, but it eased you into its world, and thereby provided a context for novices. New Moon, on the other hand, would be better if Weitz pasted Meyer’s writing into the frame. It’s the dullest teenage romance I’ve ever seen.
You better have watched Twilight five bazillion times because New Moon wastes no time with back story. Bella (Kristen Stewart) and her 109-year old vampire boyfriend Edward (Robert Pattinson) are in love as ever. She just turned 18, so mortality weighs heavily on her mind. At her birthday party, another vampire gets a little too aggressive with the bloodlust. Edward protects her, and inadvertently causes some collateral damage. As a result, Edward takes Bella to the woods, whereupon he delivers devastating news: he’s leaving town, and can never see his love again. The abrupt break-up renders Bella catatonic for months, and only American Indian Jacob (Taylor Lautner) can pick up the pieces. Of course, once they develop feelings for each other, Jacob also says he can never see Bella again (at least he’s staying in town). This is all too much for Bella, who attempts suicide. And now, through some bizarre telepathy, Edward erroneously believes Bella is dead. This is all too much for Edward, so he wants to kill himself so he heads to Italy so the Head Vampire Guy can kill him but before that he has to…
Fuck it, this is all too much. Bella reunites with Edward at the last moment. Oh, and Jacob becomes a werewolf.
I thought Chris Weitz would be a good match for this project. He worked on the American Pie movies, so he has some idea on how an exaggerated universe can symbolize teenage sexual hysteria. Yet he fails to capture any tension, dramatic or otherwise, and every tragic scene is tediously inert. The actors aren’t much help – they cannot find new ways to express the single emotion required of them. Halfheartedly Pattinson glowers, Stewart pouts, and Lautner broods. Even a talented character actor like Michael Sheen fails to find compelling dimensions for his character.
Weitz must have seen the shortcomings of his cast because he substitutes acting with eye candy. The male leads are frequently shirtless (the audience at the screening, mostly tweens, swooned each time this happened). Come to think of it, New Moon certainly looks great, and the special effects are impressive. Either way, it is pointless to jazz up the story with CGI wolves and slow motion battle – without characters to root for, the action amounts to little more than calisthenics. Perhaps my aggravation is on an institutional level. I cannot fathom why an immortal would find a teenage girl appealing. Yes, I know Twilight devotees can fill the missing holes, and that’s precisely the problem. It is difficult to make a movie with an omniscient narrator, so here the audience must do the heavy lifting. For those not in the know, New Moon amounts to little more than attractive actors staring intently. That’s not even enough material for a thirty second commercial.
It’s no coincidence Edward is able to recite Romeo and Juliet on command. Meyers and screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg want Shakespeare’s famed couple in the back of their audience’s mind. But unlike the titular star-crossed lovers, Edward and Bella are incapable of joy, and are limited by the inadequate vocabulary of the typical American adolescent. Next time Rosenberg should deepen the Shakespeare resemblance by giving the actors soliloquies. At least they’ll have more to do than look as bored as I was.
Amanda,
They use a Lykke LI song nicely, but even that scene goes on longer than it should. I can’t think of other noteworthy uses.
November 20, 2009 at 2:58 pmI thought the OST was a big letdown after seeing who was on the bill. The Grizzly Bear and Bon Iver/St. Vincent tracks were nice, though.
November 20, 2009 at 3:04 pmDo the vampires sparkle better than they did in the first movie?
November 20, 2009 at 3:05 pmLogan, you must not be a Lykke Li obsessive. I am. And Possibility is so beautiful. I didn’t like the Grizzly Bear track as well, but the Bon Iver/St. Vincent was pretty good. And I like the Editor’s track A LOT.
I’m sorry I can’t recall the titles of all these songs at the moment.
November 20, 2009 at 3:15 pmLies, all lies!
;) Well, I liked it at least…
Taylor,
Can you elaborate? None of my friends have seen the movie, and I’m interested in hearing another perspective. Also, have you read the books?
November 20, 2009 at 3:49 pmI imagine it’s really jumpy, the plot. Like how harry potter would be if you hadn’t read it, well those were still some pretty big leaps as well. Not worth it if you haven’t read it?
November 22, 2009 at 10:40 pmit seems to serious.
November 22, 2009 at 10:41 pmbella didn’t try to commit suicide, she hears edward’s voice whenever she does anything involving an adrenaline rush, duh! …stupid plot. i’m on the 3rd book now, where i live they’re the only books you can buy in english. i’m getting sick of them.
November 23, 2009 at 3:26 amwell well, i have to say the fight/flight scene w/ the wolves and victoria, in the woods, set to the thom yorke song, was the best use of a song, the best cinematography, basically the best part of the movie. check my commas out.
November 23, 2009 at 9:03 amFYI Miss Li wrote the song based on the story:
Li told MTV News that it took her a long time to come up with this haunting piece of Chamber Pop. She explained: “Everyone kept asking me if I wanted to do it, how [the song] was going, when would I have it finished, and I was like, ‘Eh, I don’t know, maybe I’ll do it, maybe I won’t.’ I mean, I had heard of the ‘Twilight’ phenomenon, but I didn’t read the books or watch the first movie or anything. I mean, I’m Swedish.”
She added that finally the inspiration came to her watching New Moon. “I stayed [in Los Angeles] and watched the movie, when it only had green screen on it. I had this hook in my mind, even before I saw the movie, and then I was watching it, and I was like, ‘That’s the hook!’ ” she said. “So it was very much like a discovery, inside myself and musically. I had this song growing inside of me that I had to get out, and [the film] was the trigger. Because I really connected with Bella and Edward’s tortured love story.”
Alan – I agree with you on the dull story. I lost most of my interest in the plot when I realized I wasn’t Team Edward or Team Jacob — actually closer to Team Boring Old Bella’s Dad. BUT, the Pacific NW setting was one of the most stunning that I can remember seeing in a movie, which was worth it for me!
December 1, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Alan, no mention of the soundtrack!!?!?!?!?!?! That is all I’m concerned about. I’ve heard it. I love it. And I can’t wait to see how they use it in the film, even if the story/movie is shit.
November 20, 2009 at 2:54 pm