The House Bunny
I had one of those once. It shit all over the place.
Coming from personal experience, being a young girl in today’s society can be a very difficult and confusing thing. Imagine being 12, and having to figure out what kind of suggestive slogan to wear across your ass? “Juicy” is pretty good, although the idea of having a juicy ass only evokes frightening images of uncontrollable diarrhea. “OMG STFU” is a pretty good one I saw at the mall the other night*, especially since it has the right amount of letters for Young America’s ever expanding waistline. I suggest a couple of new ones:
“Slutbomb” complete with a pair of cherries with a fuse.
“OMG IBS!” this has a little brown blob right in the middle, just for effect.
“Quit looking at my ass you dirty old pervert, I’m not even in high school for chrissakes!” - for the ironic tweener.
*I go to malls to take cell phone pictures and observe teenage culture for a book I’m doing. It’s a lot like Pete Townshend’s “research”.
I’m also thinking of putting the Jonas brothers faces on a couple of cheeks, just to get the Disney crowd dollars. I hope that some of the tween girls who PACKED the theater the other night to see The House Bunny will buy it. I can use the cash.
The House Bunny is what happens when you let the girl from the Scary Movie films and umpteenth other terrible spoof flix produce her own film. Executive Producer Anna Faris, stars as Shelly, an aging playboy bunny who lives in the Mansion with Hef and the so-named “Girls Next Door”. Due to her age, or other mysterious circumstances that really don’t matter, she gets kicked out of the house and has to find her “way in life”. Through a few scenes of her mindlessly babbling her way around LA, she somehow finds herself as house mother for a group of Nerds ready for Revenge. The SO UNHOT girls of Zeta house.
And, pray tell, how can you tell they aren’t hot?
They have GLASSES! BLECHH! And wear PONYTAILS!!! BARFFF! And wear CASUAL, COMFORTABLE CLOTHING!!!! GORF!!! Not to mention, THEY ARE SMART!!! VOMIT!!!
Because of this, their sorority is failing because they can’t get any pledges, and of course, they can’t attract boys. You could note the fact that not one of these girls would EVER join a sorority anyways, but who cares? The nasty dean is going to close down their house if they don’t get enough pledges this semester. Luckily for them Shelly comes along and saves the day.
And how does she do this? By teaching them to be mindless vapid whoresluts!!! And HOLY SHIT! It works!!! Surprise. Mindless vapid fratboysluts love mindless vapid whoresluts. Let’s all give the screenwriter a fucking Pulitzer for that bit of insight. In the end they all learn that every girl needs to be a little bit of a slut and a little bit of a nerd. What a fucking lesson to teach all the young girls in the audience.
Hold on a sec, I have to get off high horse for a quick minute…time to talk about Anna Faris. If there ever was an actress in desperate need for good material it’s her. There are moments in the movie where she is pretty goddam funny, considering the pile of trash she happens to be wallowing in. But her choice of films is much like a professional bowler that chooses to bowl spares instead of strikes. Sure, you’ll do better than some people, but don’t you want to at least TRY to knock down all the pins?
And the movie has it’s moments as well, most notably the bar scene where Kat Dennings gets back at someone hitting on her in a bar. In the end, I found myself laughing at things in the movie the exact opposite times all the young girls in the audience were, and for the wrong reasons, I suppose. This must be a signal to me. I no longer have anything in common with Middle School girls. It’s an end of an era, folks.
My reaction: Terrible (1.5 out of 5)
Next week: Disaster movie? FUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKCKCKCCKCKCKC. Goddam all of you. Goddam all of you to hell.
That movie Traitor came out this weekend. It’s a possible alternative to Disaster Movie - and how many spy thrillers do you see that are co-written by Steve Martin?
August 28, 2008 at 2:19 pmi’m going to go ahead and throw this out there as sexist as it sounds: all girls should use their womanly whims to get ahead.
all girls are a little bit slutty, you just have to hone that slutiness in a constructive way - into being sexy. it’s best when combined with some sort of intelligence. unfortunately most girls today don’t hone it correctly and just end up looking up trashy.
i have yet to see this movie. i’ll probably wait for it to come out on dvd.
August 28, 2008 at 2:36 pmlook, I don’t mean to say that I don’t like it when young girls dress slutty. In fact, maybe this movie should be shown to all elementary school girls. Head-start education, don’t you know.
Also - I think the word you’re looking for is “wiles” not “whims”.
Wiles mean cunning or trickery. Whims are arbitrary impulses, flights of fancy if you will.
I’m glad you give Anna a little love at the end - I have always felt the same way, that she could be great with better material.
What’s the difference between Epic Movie and Disaster Movie?
August 28, 2008 at 3:00 pmshe’s too busy using her wiles to get ahead to learn words, Jason.
August 28, 2008 at 3:02 pmCale - to answer your question: Not a whole fucking lot, except that the top three actors billed on Epic Movie are:
Kal Penn, Adam Campbell and Jennifer Coolidge.
The top three actors billed on Disaster Movie are:
Matt Lantner, Vanessa Minnillo, and G. Thang.
I missed you gorfbucket.
August 28, 2008 at 4:09 pmjason, you are correct.
August 28, 2008 at 5:20 pmi didn’t mean that all middle school girls should be “taught” to be sluts though. little girls in skimpy outfits give me the hebbie-gebbies. it would be nice if they could at lest wait until high school.
August 28, 2008 at 5:22 pmAmanda, and have the parents risk hurting their kids feeewings by daring to tell them “no, you aren’t dressing like a slut even if everyone else in your school is”? Never happen.
August 28, 2008 at 5:49 pmi think i’ve turned out just fine, thank you very much. my parents would “punish” me if you could see my stomach if i raised my arms or if my skirt was above my knees, or if i wore tank tops, etc. modesty, it’s what was for breakfast. obviously that didn’t do any good though, i mean i am a complete slut, obviously.
August 28, 2008 at 7:18 pmDisaster Movie, College, and some pukey Vin Diesel shit is coming out this weekend. clearly, the apocalypse is nigh, godspeed in you review, godspeed!
August 29, 2008 at 7:13 pm
I apparently still have everything in common with Middle School girls because I liked it.
Anna Faris is a very, very, very funny human being.
August 28, 2008 at 2:12 pm