#1 With a Bullet: Kung Fu Panda

June 11, 2008 by Lord Jason  Send to a Friend

Only a slightly better title than Beverly Hills Ninja.

Kung Fu flix and I have a long, sordid, intertwined history, much like the Japanese and tentacle porn. My should-have-been productive college years were filled with lonely ménage a trois consisting of smoking tweeds, eating Cool Ranch Doritos and constantly watching Kung Fu Flix like Super Ninjas or Mafia Vs. Ninja; a film in which the Mafia are the good guys. Go figure.

This love for all things Shaw Brothers spilled over into all of my friend’s personal lives. There was a specific evening I can remember where my roommate was having a girl over, so he decided the best thing to do was to down 6 shots of rotgut whiskey, clear 5 bong rips, drench himself in Brut*, then sit on the couch and regale the poor high school girl with tales of his gigantic Kung Fu movie collection. Needless, to say, they didn’t have a second date**. But I believe Kung Fu could have helped me at certain times if I had known about it. If I was able to pop off some awesome roundhouse kicks when I was really young, I could have totally impressed my hot kindergarten teacher that I had a huge crush on, the one who always took us on awesome field trips, and made us laugh by speaking in a funny French accent. But I didn’t have any knowledge of that. If only Kung Fu Panda was around for me back then.

*It smells like man. If that man is your womanizing grandfather.

**I actually wound up dating the girl for awhile. My friend was kind of pissed at me for a little bit, but once I explained to him that it’s probably better to take a girl OUT to see a movie than to sit in your living room and tell her about the movies you own, he got over it.

Kung Fu Panda is a surprisingly good animated children’s film about anthropomorphic animals kicking the shit out of each other. My wariness about the quality of the film was immediately relieved in the first 2 minutes with a hilarious opening monologue recited by Jack Black that had faint echoes of Tenacious D’s epic smash number one hit, Wonder Boy. After my worries were eased, I sank into my seat, tuned out all the tiny children around me and dug in to enjoy the film.

The story begins with Po(Jack Black) a clumsy, head-in-the-clouds fatty fat fat panda bear who dreams of being a great Kung Fu fighter, but is stuck working for his father(who is a chicken for some reason) in a noodle shop. An evil snow leopard, Tai Lung (deliciously, evilly voiced by the wonderful Ian McShane), has escaped, and thus the Dragon Warrior must be named in order to stop him from destroying the village. It is announced one day that Master Oogway will be choosing the Dragon Warrior, and through a series of mishaps, Po is chosen to be that greatest fighter in all the land. This happens much to the dismay of Master Shifu(Dustin Hoffman), and the rest of the Furious Five. Alas, they are not the pioneering hip-hop group, but a group of five Kung Fu masters who have trained all their lives to be appointed the Dragon Warrior. Imagine their dismay when a novice rando gets the one thing they’ve worked so hard for.

Your basic underdog story unfolds, echoes the Karate Kid, and is simple enough for a child or a stoned 22 year old to follow. But Kung Fu Flix were never well-known for their intricate plots, it was all about the action, and Kung Fu Panda has this in spades. From the amazing Tai Lung escape sequence, to some funny fight scenes, the animators managed to make a non-anime martial arts film exciting. Whoever thought of the so-simple-I-can’t-believe-it’s-never-been-done-before concept of actually animating animals for the five basic styles of Kung Fu(Tiger, Monkey, Mantis, Crane, Viper) should be commended. Jack Black should also be commended for his wonderful performance as the voice of Po the panda. No one could have done it better except for maybe Chris Farley.

But he’s dead.

My Reaction: Pretty Good (3.5 out of 5)

Next week: M. Night Shamalama Ding-Dong poops out another one of his patented mysterious but meaningless films, The Happening, and possibly the LEAST anticipated summer super hero sequel ever, The Incredible Hulk, plods it’s way into theatres. Til then, I’m working on my Kung Fu moves, I have ladies to impress. Stay focused, childrens.

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