#1 With A Bullet: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

May 28, 2008 by Lord Jason  Send to a Friend

An Indy film, not an “Indie” film.
This means, praise Jeebus, that I don’t have to sit through another insufferable Kimya Dawson soundtrack.

Oh brother, do I love me some Indiana Jones. Although, my deep seeded fear and revulsion of insects basically stems from the scene in Temple of Doom where Willie has to reach into a hole filled with oozy creepy crawlies and pull a lever. It still haunts me to this day. But everything else about Indy was great. So I went to the theater with my Ten-item Indiana Jones checklist, licked my pencil, and began ticking things off…

1. Indy always has his hat, even though he comes perilously close to losing it all the time.

Check! There’s even a funny scene where killer ants return it to him. Rad.

2. Indy uses his bullwhip for various outrageous stunts.

Fail. He only really uses it in the beginning to lasso a gun and swing on one lamppost. Disappointingly, there’s a significant lack of bullwhip in this film.

3. Indy solves puzzles using his vast knowledge.

Check. There’s a lot of this in the film, and it’s a bit glossed over, but no different than any other Indy movie.

4. There will be gigantic ancient puzzle/traps that involve shifting a lever and/or moving old stone blocks.

Check. These are all over the place, and a lot of the set pieces are wonderful in their complexity.

5. Indy will face a mysteriously accented villain who is dangerously obsessed with some sort of religious/cult object, and thus will need Indy’s expertise in order to obtain said object.

Check. Cate Blanchett is Irina Spalko, a Russian KGB agent who needs to find the so-called Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. And, although I prefer Indy fighting Nazis, commies will do in a pinch any old day. Just ask Rambo.

6. Indy has a cute sidekick.

Fail. Shia LeBOOF is no Short Round.

7. Indy falls for some hot, adventurous dame.

Fail. Karen Allen IS adventurous, but she hit the wall a long time ago.

8. There will be one legitimately gross-out death in the film.

Check. A bunch of killer ants eat a dude alive. Although this pales in comparison to melting heads, ripping the heart out of someone’s chest, or a dude aging 500 years in ten seconds.

9. Indy exudes confidence and rakish charm as he stumbles elegantly through situations, reeling off one-liners the entire time.

Fail. Something’s wrong here. Harrison Ford ain’t who he used to be, I tell you that much.

. A gigantic religious mystery will be discovered, and ultimately lost.

Fail. Although I don’t want to give away what the secret is, so I ain’t gonna tell you why this one fails.

Where does that leave us exactly? Indy 4 is definitely entertaining, and reminiscent of the other films, but therein lies the problem. It can never live up to the other films, because it follows their same cookie-cutter format. There’s no new ground here, we’ve seen Indy do this before. And with Harrison Ford seemingly sleepwalking through the movie, there’s no twinkle in Indy’s eyes anymore.

There are some amazing scenes, including a stunning and inventive car chase scene through the amazon, and the credit for those has to go to the director, Steven Spielburg. But one gets the feeling that this would be a much lesser film in the hands of someone else. In fact, in a different director’s hands this film would be the Mummy part 3, or god forbid, another edition in the National Treasure series.

Thankfully, that’s not the case. I still love me some Indiana Jones movies, but as short round once said, “No time for love Dr. Jones.”*

My reaction: pretty good (3 out of 5)

Next week: I’m sooooo a Carrie! You must be a Charlotte! Sex and the City returns with a fiercesome vengeance. God help us all. Til then I’m polishing my bullwhip. Keep eatin’ chilled monkey brains, kids.

*I have no idea what this sentence is supposed to mean, but it sounds good and I wanted to put that line in the review somewhere.

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