BrightestYoungThings: What Kept Me From Ending My Life In 2009.

I wrote another version of this article called:

Jesus, and 10 other things I've completely given up on in 2009.

The list was:

Jesus, a lasting relationship, conversations, self-improvement, remembering the old times, my parents, a sober lifestyle, personal aspirations, being a person of note, and heaven.

The article was a string of longwinded personal accounts--such as the time I chopped all of my hair off with a steak knife in the men's bathroom of Ruby Tuesdays, while Los Lonely Boys echoed through the stalls, and then joined my girlfriend and her parents for some mozzarella sticks on my birthday.

But I realize that everything seems dramatically more significant during these holidays, so an article without redemption might be the yule-tide bummer. So instead, I compiled a list of musicians, artists, jokes, people, etc. All the things I encountered this year that kept me from jumping off the Duke Ellington Bridge, or from wading into the reflecting pool with my pockets full of stones, or from going into PG County, or from looking too "gay" in Adams Morgan on a weekend (except I actually did do that, and on purpose.)

Here you go my friends...

Baby Dee- Because every lyric Baby Dee sings seems to have the sorrow of being human in mind.

Daniel Higgs- Because religion is beautiful, even if it is made up, and because, like Frost, I like to get away from earth for a while.

MGL- Because he appeared in D.C out of nowhere, and I predict he will connect a lot of dots. Looking at you, Hemerlein. Looking at you, Laughing Man.

John Cale- Because he's being modest.

Li Young Lee- Because a girlfriend wrote on a wall in my room "do you still like poetry?" I had been studying it for three years and I actually did not like it anymore. All, except for Li Young Lee. Here's why.

Nine Inch Nails- Because Trent let me have his empire of dirt.

The Tartans- Because the best mix I got all year was from a sixteen year old zine editor. This was track one.

Rino Gaetano- Because I met some Italians who reminded me that America can be exciting.

Diane Savino- Because listening to people explain why they don't support same sex marriage causes me to become inarticulate and blathering...this woman articulates EXACTLY what needs to be said.

Marty Funkhauser- Because Larry's friend articulates what every person on earth wants to say to Jerry Seinfeld.

Eugene Mirman- Because for your high school graduation speaker one can try to get some politician, one can try to get a religious leader, one can try to get a news anchor, ORRRRRR you can just get Eugene Mirman--your moms will love him.

Al Pacino- Because she's got a great ass, and you've got your head all the way up it.

Tori Amos- Because we're both from Rockville Maryland, because we both went to Richard Montgomery High School, because I am seduced by her fiery red locks, and because she understands my vagina.