Being a rough and partially fabricated timeline of the history of the James Monroe House, the home and stage of the Arts Club of Washington, as described to this writer by member and patron of the arts Edward Purcell by telephone last week as Host Matthew Hemerlein and Master of Ceremonies Seaton Smith wandered the grounds of same posing for photos and engaging in historical mischievousness in preparation for their performances this very week (buy tix here).

While perusing this piece you may want to download and listen to two new songs by Mister Hemerlein, linked forthwith.

1806:

A simple carriage house and chicken brothel on a back road outside of town in the rural suburb of Foggy Bottom is transformed when the Caldwell family, rich and powerful Pennsylvania plantation owners, add a second story to the structure and a few extra coops, making it the most luxurious mansion in the budding city, in order to have a place to stay for the week and a half when Congress is actually in session.

1812-1814

Dirty English soldiers burn the White House for no reason. President James Monroe stays in the mansion while the official seat of power is repaired and he likes it so much that he refuses to leave, claiming that Washington's Ghost has been haunting the Oval Office. Washington, still in perfectly good health at Mt. Vernon, is unusually coy about denying it.

1838

After passing from owner to owner for a while, the mansion falls into the hands of the French and begins to be employed primarily for the unhygienic and immoral sport of débutante, or in Italian, la paparazzi. Washingtonians are scandalized until they realize they can rent their own daughters out in the same fashion. So begins the deathless era of Social Clubbing.

1916

A new social group purchases the mansion to use as a gathering place for patrons of the arts. When it is discovered they will be letting in women, the city council votes to move the address onto I St off Pennsylvania, but they persevere. The club was partially concerned with High Tea and Thursday Night dinners (Thursday is traditionally the day servants get off, which is why Department Stores used to be open late on Thursdays and Ruby Tuesdays used to be called Ruddy Thursdays when it started in London in the 1920s) but the members also took their job as patrons quite seriously, supporting local and national artists of various media. To this day the Club supports art in a myriad of ways: sponsoring a handsome book prize, providing lots of gallery space and having classical musicians into the ballroom every Friday.

Prohibition

The Arts Club becomes a refuge for smarty-pants boozers like Tallulah Bankhead to hide moonshine in the basement and crack wise about that nitwit Hoover and his cockamamie economic policies. As soon as the ban is over they toss out the rabble and get back to the upstairs-downstairs bit again though. Tallulah's parents are both relieved and worried.

1989

Whit Stillman considers shooting a coming-out party scene for Metropolitan in the drawing room but can't afford to transport his camera down on the train. He still rents out the room but comes to the shoot alone and stands in the middle of the carpet gazing at the wainscoting drinking a highball. The aura of sadness curses all further society functions with melancholy and debutante balls are never held in the Arts Club again.

2010

The Arts Club, looking to expand its audience to a younger and more avant garde audience, decides to partner with the Bentzen Ball Comedy Festival and its purveyors, BrightestYoungThings, to put on one night of music and another night of music+comedy jokes. Headliners Ben Kronberg from New York and Birdie Busch from Philadelphia will be transported back in time along with Mssrs. Smith and Hemerlein into the 19th Century when music halls boasted curly-mustached ringleaders and bawdy singalong shows.

Nice photos by Katie Schuler

Now some awkward behind the scenes shots by Me.

Do come out to the club this Wednesday and Thursday. Wednesday to see Matthew perform his music and discuss what makes him so serious all the time (RSVP BY THE END OF TODAY) and Thursday to see his extended family commit multiple acts of outrageousness where a beleaguered POTUS once dined on lamb with wooden teeth.

A final note: Due to some crossed wires some announcements of the Thursday night event may have mentioned the magic words 'Open Bar'. This, unfortunately, is not real. There will be a cash bar, and lot of intoxicating laughter. Thank you for your patronage.

Previously in comedy:

• 2/10: Behind The Desk 35: Spotting THE Crazy In the Arts (Vol. 2)
• 2/7: LiveDC: Demetri Martin @ Warner Theatre
• 1/24: LiveDC: Adam Carolla @ Fillmore
• 1/20: Behind The Desk 32: Eddie Brill Is Common
• 1/17: LiveDC: JB Smoove @ 930 Club
• 12/8: Tom Arnold - Up Close & Very Nice
• 12/5: LiveDC: Michael Ian Black @ Sixth and I Synagogue
• 12/5: Lauren Weedman-BUSTED
• 12/1: R.I.P. Patrice O'Neal - brilliant 1969 to 2011
• 11/30: BYT Interview: Michael Ian Black