Brightest Young Things

After last week's trip down Milli Vanilli memory lane, in his ongoing quest to purge the spirits of his past, Jason turns to his promising prose writing beginnings.

Year: 1985

Item: Book: Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing/Superfudge by Judy Blume

I have always had a sort of questionable relationship with Judy Blume. In second grade, Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing and Superfudge captured my yet unsullied mind. Later on in fifth grade it was Are You There God? It's Me Margaret, but that was for different reasons.

I never actually read Margaret. But, as these were the days of us first learning about the horrible dirty shameful creatures we were about to become as puberty hit us like a wet sock full of pubes, the book had an air of mystery. After all, it was about PERIODS! And being a young lad, I couldn't even imagine what all that was about. In fact I was totally frightened about all this stuff after a friend of mine told me that when you make babies you pee white stuff out of your dick. The thought of Elmer's glue coming out of my peehole was freaky enough, and now I had the mental image of girls bleeding from between their legs. I was mystified and intrigued by all of this, but not so much as a dude in my class named Danny.

Back in cavemen times, i.e. my day in elementary school, when you went to the library and checked out a book, you signed your name in a card in the back of the book. One time I found Margaret on the shelves, and looked at the card. Danny's name was on it 5 times in a row. Evidently he really, really liked reading about menstruation. I can't even imagine what books he's into reading now. I'm thinking something with Sisterhood in the title.

But I digress, as this is should be the story about how I ripped off Judy Blume.

I don't know how they do it now after the school system is leaving no child behind, but when I was in second grade we wrote stories. This one is titled: "The Serch for the Missing Micro Chips" I particularly like the pacing of this one, as well as the subtle reference to Dig-Dug.

Apart from writing, in second grade I first read of and was unnaturally obsessed with the bratty Fudge character in Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing. So much so, that when we were all tasked with the assignment to write something for the book fair, I made up my own character named Sweet Tooth. And I proceeded to write an entire story about him, knowing full well that he was just Fudge with a different name. Continuing in that vein, I ripped off most of the plot as well.

Luckily for all of you, here it is transcribed(no spelling or punctuation has been changed) in its entirety. Enjoy, or not. I don't particularly care:

Sweet Tooth

By Jason Griffenhagen

1. "No Fun"!

Nobody, nobody ever can resist my little brother. His name is Ebenezer but we call him "Sweet Tooth." When we call him that he would run and get a lollypop. He calls it a "pop." One day he went kindergarten, as usual he came back with bumps, bruises, one black eye, bleeding nose, half of his hair out and cuts every where. We asked, "What happend?" He said, "I had a fight with Johnny!" "You what?" We said. "I said, I had a fight with Johnny!" He showed Mom where it hurts "There Boo-boo, and here boo-boo." etc. Then she put band-aids on him where is hurt, and stoped his bleeding nose. Then he went to bed. My dad came home with visitors. They were Mr. and Mrs. Hogen. I found out why they were called the Hogens, because when we had diner they hoged out. Soon they felt sick. Then Sweet Tooth came with my haloween costume of Fankinstein. Mr. and Mrs. Hogen threw up. Mrs. Hogen yelled. If she hadn't yelled my mom wouldn't have dropped an egg on my dads head*. Soo they left and mom cleaned up the mess. It was a queit night and I think I got to sleep.

*Evidently, vaudeville sight gags were quite the influence on me. Next up: seltzer down the pants!

2. Moving Time

On December 6th, 1984 we moved to Florida. And Sweet Tooth said "Where are we going?" "To Florida," I said. Oh" he said. I got a little bird and Sweet Tooth got a dog. A very small one he named Mr. Doggie. I named my bird Superman, Because he could fly. Then we went to our house it was green camaflage with blue Shuters*. Sweet Tooth said "Oh, house" And he laghed like crazy. We found out that the house had two bedrooms, 3 bathrooms and a kichen and a living room. Mom and Dad said I have to sleep with Sweet Tooth and Mr. Doggie. I said, "I'm not going to sleep with him!" "But you have to!" Plese, Brett, Plese!" They said, "O.K." I said "Thank You." They said. We had roast beef and pototoes for for dinner. Sweet Tooth said, "No Potatoes No, No, No, No…….!" You have to eat your potatoes, or go to yoar room!" Mom said. Sweet Tooth went to his room. 1 hour later he came back with my bird! I whacked him on the back. he yelled. I took my bird put his cage on the hook and went to finish my dinner. In the middle of the night there he was him! Right over me with a lollypop**. I put him back to bed. And I fell asleep.

*This house would look awesome. And be perfect for Florida.

**not only does Sweet Tooth laugh like crazy, he stands over me in the middle of the night staring at me sucking on a lollypop. I can only assume he would grow up to be a sociopath with a large collection of dolls with no eyes.

3. The Tricky Trix

One day my brother went down stairs to eat breakFeast. He always eats Trix. It had a little toy inside it. We both had it because Sweet Toothe begged me because wanted to have the toy. We both ate while Sweet Tooth looked at the back of the box. He swowed me what he wanted. He wanted the truck. By the time my mom came down, Sweet Tooth fogot which box the prize was. So he dumped all the cereal out on the table. So my mom cleaned up the mess*. I herd some babling "Ba goo gin cock siz foz!" "Shut up!!!" I said**

*This is really all my mom does in the story. But at least she's in it, unlike my dad.

**I have no idea what this is supposed to signify.

4. Candy!

Tonight is Haloween. and Sweet Tooth is going to wear his sign it says "Gimee candy or else!" I wouldn't give him candy*. I'm going to wear my mask and I'm going to get my popgun and my pillow case. I'm dressing up as a robber. Mom said to Sweet Tooth, "Brett is going to take you out for candy!" "Yum, Yum!" said Sweet Tooth. I toke him out for candy. He went to the first house. The man gave him candy. The lady gave him candy. A boy gave him candy. A man. A lady. A boy. A man. A lady. A boy. A man. A lady. A boy. A man! A lady! A boy! I soon relized he was going to the same houses. Soon his bag was bulgeing with candy. A little here, a little there, A lot every where! We went back home. He was sorting out his candy. He said, "20 Trail Bars, 48 Paydays, 62 smoers, 199 M&Ms, 1,999 nerds, 2,000,000 skitels & 600 milky way bars, 12…" "What !!!!!!!!!!" Mom said. "Man, he sure got a lot of candy, Mom didn't he?" "Yes he did, Brett" Mom said. "Right, Bett, I did get a lot of candy.

*instance number one of me being a dick to Fudge. I mean Sweet Tooth.

5. Christmas!

Sometimes in our house we give Sweet Tooth some candy. But this time we don't because he was a gold tooth!* We don't take him trick or treating anymore because, well, you know. We were out shopping for Sweet Tooth's presents. I got him a bag of coal**. My mom got him MossMan™ and Stinkor™***. I don't think he deserves it. My mom doesn't know what I got him. She hopes I didn't get him MossMan or Stinkor. I gto mom botties and I got my dad a game called Wizard Quest. Sweet Tooth got up on Christmas morning and found he had 1,000,000,000,000 boxes of coal exept from mom he got MossMan and Stinkor. He had a Christmas party at school. All he got was more coal. Now he has 1,000,000,000,001 boxes of coal.

*The father in this story is evidently Flavor Flav.

**more dickery.

***yes, I actually wrote out the trademark logo. And these are He-Man actions figures, BTW.

5. "Mr. Doggie!"

One morning while I was sleeping I heard "Waaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!" It was Sweet Tooth. "Mr. Doggie rad away!!" "Bett, Mr. Doggie gone!" "I'll be doggoned!" I laughed!* "It not funny Bett!" "O.k" "Will you help me find him?" "O.K." I said! We looked downstairs, We looked upstairs, we looked outside we looked inside. The dog was right next to mom in the bedroom. I was happy to see him.

*even more dickishness.

THE END

After submitting this to the book fair, I won first prize for the whole school, beating out everyone, including fifth graders. Thus, I learned a valuable life lesson: Rip off popular things, and you will succeed. Which is why my band, Jet, has been so successful.

Previously in Misc/Awesome:

• 12/28: Terrible Boyfriend/ Girlfriend Generator.
• 12/1: The John Waters Advent Calendar-it starts today
• 11/28: It Chooses You: All I Want for Christmas is Everything from Miranda July's Pop-Up Shop
• 11/3: Things I'd Move to Minnesota For
• 9/6: PHOTOS: Maloof $$ Money Cup
• 9/2: PHOTOS: Chantilly Model Train Show
• 9/1: Libby's List: 5 Things I Want Right Now...
• 8/22: PHOTOS: Best Friends Day
• 8/10: PHOTOS: Lawn Mover Racing, Eastern Seaboard Regionals @ Bowles Farm
• 7/26: Special List: Things the BYGays Want Now That We Can Marry In DC (and NY!)