Good morning and happy Tuesday, everyone! Now that you've swallowed the bitter post-holiday pill, are you ready for quality internetz? I know I am.
- "As you intuitively understand, letters that are written entirely in capitals impress us with their emotional intensity. I would advise that you adopt this form of communication for all your correspondence, particularly job applications."
- Those who teach become burned-out cynics.
- PRICELESS
- Equation used to calculate number of evolved civilizations finds its true purpose: it determines why I don't have a girlfriend. (pdf link)
- Holy hell, I just realized how depressing the past couple links are. Here's a corgi pup negotiating a flight of stairs.
- Vintage Ad-Browser provides a truly epic timesuck.
- The search is finally over (though not in the way you think).
- Hide your daughters! Snakes now have feet.
- In which Oscar Wilde politely owns an Oxford undergraduate.
- In which a supposed MILF terrorizes Craigslist.
- In other astronomy news, scientists discover five new planets, none of them Earth-like.
Previously in Misc/Awesome:
- 12/28: Terrible Boyfriend/ Girlfriend Generator.
- 12/1: The John Waters Advent Calendar-it starts today
- 11/28: It Chooses You: All I Want for Christmas is Everything from Miranda July's Pop-Up Shop
- 11/3: Things I'd Move to Minnesota For
- 9/6: PHOTOS: Maloof $$ Money Cup
- 9/2: PHOTOS: Chantilly Model Train Show
- 9/1: Libby's List: 5 Things I Want Right Now...
- 8/22: PHOTOS: Best Friends Day
- 8/10: PHOTOS: Lawn Mover Racing, Eastern Seaboard Regionals @ Bowles Farm
- 7/26: Special List: Things the BYGays Want Now That We Can Marry In DC (and NY!)
God loves a cheerful giver.
"Dean Qiongxiu, 66, said she discovered the reptile clinging to the wall of her bedroom with its talons in the middle of the night."
That is the freakiest shit I have ever contemplated.
AH!!! STOP IT!!!!!
"A more common mutation among snakes is the growth of a second head, which occurs in a similar way to the formation of Siamese twins in humans.
"Such animals are often caught and preserved as lucky tokens but have very little chance of surviving in the wild anyway, especially as the heads have a tendency to attack each other."
SECOND freakiest shit.
Jason - how can you have that thing sitting on your dining room table but be afraid of a tiny snake? You do realize that is just some kind of cocoon of sorts and some freak-ass ass-raping alien is going to come out. Better hope pete and ed are there since they'd get off on it thus giving you time to escape.
Dear Grodyman-with-guitar-at-Newark-airport,
Thank you and congratulations. Thank you for lulling 30 of the otherwise angry passengers stranded at the airport into a pied-piper-like stupor, and congratulations for correctly applying what I like to call "the Sean Setlock theory of guitars."
First, you should be commended by the TSA. You managed to command the attention and control of a crowd of at least a couple dozen, where they can't seem to keep one accidental terrorist from following the queue at one of the most traveled airports in the nation. I wish you could be at every airport where I've had a delayed layover. That way people like me wouldn't have to elbow our way through the shiny-happy people to snag a stool at the terminal's faux dive bar so that we can wait out the mess peacefully with a few overpriced pints that taste like pennies because there is mildew in the never cleaned tap lines. Maybe thanks to you, the place will be so devoid of travelers that I can enjoy conversation with the jersey-shore-blowout-hair bartender about dep gel or whether "you's guys jets fans?"
Second, your sirens song is the perfect example of the Sean Setlock theory. Sean Setlock went to my high school. I naively asked him why he carried his guitar around town to literally every place he went, including nesting it in the passenger's seat on his pizza delivery runs. "Cause man, everyone knows guys who play guitar always get laid."
I bet you looked silly carrying the guitar case around at all your relatives places for xmas. I bet you were frustrated when the girl at the starbucks didn't immediately demand you woo her with one of your serenades after ordering that orange-creamsicle frap. But as soon as the announcement came over the PA system that everyone and their mother was trapped like the Irish on the Titanic, you saw your chance to be like the violinist who faught back tears while playing his way to the bottom of the ocean.
Oh, and good choice on cover tunes. Way to take a sad song and make it better. It's always smart to stick to the stuff that even your un-cool aunt would know the "nah-nah-nahs" to. And everyone knows, terrorists hate the Beatles -- take that potential terrorists, it's like Flight '93 all over again but with a guit-box. USA! USA! USA! Sorry your buddy making your Youtub demo cut tape before we heard the rest of your set. Let me guess, "You Can't Always Get What You Want" followed by "Imagine." They'll probably put that whole clip on the bonus features of the DVD of your first world tour once you make it big, right? Can I pre-order?
Focus on the 30 people in your immediate area pretending to love your shit, not the 300 people behind them going insane faintly hearing some jerkoff pretending it's hands-across-America. They don't realize you are SO joining the mile-high-club as soon as you get on the plane. They didn't understand Sean Setlock either.
-P.S-- Sean Setlock, haven't seen you in a while. Maybe we can catch up if you ever move into my neighborhood and have to announce to everyone why you can't give out Halloween candy. Stupid Megan's Law.
Dear jimshowe,
Your writing just calmed the rage that I felt after watching that clip. I no longer feel the need to break the first thing within arm's reach. Thank you!