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Ironic’s Gems of the Internets: The Glamour Edition

November 14, 2007 by Ironic

Back in the 1990s, a few intellectuals speculated about the Interweb’s potential for democratizating traditional institutions. Oh, how we laughed at them … silly intellectuals! But now, with the help of a series of Intertubes, the masses do indeed appear poised to usurp the last bastions of elites. From news and politics … to entertainment and education … it seems that no victim can escape the blunt force trauma imposed on it by the Internets.

In the realm of education, for instance, Jane Q. Public no longer needs to deal with the snooty admissions committee at Harvard University.  Instead, she simply signs up, online, with Phoenix University.  In wine terms, Phoenix University may be the 2007 Chateau Thunderbird to Harvard’s 1961 Chateau Lafite-Rothschild, but to the discerning palates of today’s Interweb-savvy students, Harvard’s rare vintage tastes like overpriced vinegar, while Phoenix University’s endless vats of fermented grape juice run smoothly down the gullet like ambrosia from the gods.

But perhaps the most venerable enclave of elites that the Internets have finally managed to crack is that of glamour.  And, thus far, the Internets have done one hell of a smashing job of it.  The Vogue and Cosmo magazines of the world no longer clench the world of glamour by the throat. In our post-Internets reality, even the likes of John Q. Citizen may fondle the neckline of glamour at will. 

Hey, whatever gets you through the day, John Q. Citizen.
Who am I to judge?  Fondle at will.

First: Start with the Person in the Mirror

Pop Quiz: The cabin pressure in your aeroplane plummets and the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling. You are traveling with your 6-year-old daughter. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?

Answer: According to FAA guidelines, you must first place your mask securely onto your own face before placing that second mask onto the child sitting next to you.

As with air travel safety, so follows glamour.  Before you attend to the glamour needs of your loved ones, you must first address your own.  For starters, you will need to obtain some glamourous portraiture.  Consult your yellow pages to find a professional glamour photographer near you.  Or, simply stop by your local Sears Portrait Studio.  (see http://www.searsportrait.com/cpi/en-US/portraitshowcase/Adults/ for more information)

This high-tech window to the world of allure lets you customize your photos by selecting options such as color, b&w, sepia, borders and vignettes (shading).  And take note, it makes both canvas and crystal portraits available to you for a small extra fee.   And nothing quite captures the elegance of glamour like a 3-D, laser-engraved, crystal portrait … especially once you place it into a lighted base.  You will find that Sears imposes only one, crucial limit on what you will be able to create … and that limit is your imagination.

The power of the Internets will allow you to emblazon your portrait onto mugs, mousepads, coasters, tote bags, greeting cards, magnets, key chains, and tee-shirts.  Just take one moment right now to ponder the possibilities.  Seriously, just one.  Right now.  Ponder it.  Ponder it.  There you go.

When preparing for your photo shoot, think first of your hair and remember one simple rule: bigger is better.  Hairspray may or may not pose a threat to the ozone layer of our atmosphere … but the absence of hairspray definitely poses a threat to the glamour layer of our atmosphere.  No credible scientist will dispute this fact.  Let the historians of the future sort out what would have been the right choice.  In the meantime, let the principles of glamour guide your conscience.

When selecting attire, let your individuality, like the rhinestones on a BeDazzled sweatshirt, sparkle through brightly.  Gents, has a pastel-coloured tuxedo ever led you astray?  Ladies, when it comes to jewelry, can you deny the power of that which is oversized and dangles? 

If you require further clarification, kindly allow me to refer you to the Joan Rivers Collection on QVC.  The astute observer will notice a broach or two designed to look like bees.  And yes, there happens to be a hit movie out about bees right now.  But Joan did not put bee jewelry into her collection to cash in on this phenomenon.  Her collection is, quite simply, nothing less than the zeitgeist of our age.  In fact, her collection inspired the makers of the movie.  True story.

But whatever you do, make sure that your photographer includes a blue background in each and every photograph.  The ubiquitous blue background in glamour photography is like the cheese on a pizza.  Sure, a pizza will still be edible in the absence of cheese … but, in the final analysis, will your concoction amount to anything more than a paltry piece of bruschetta rather than an authentic slice of pizza neapolitana?  I think not.

Once in JPEG format, load your photographs onto your own, vanity website.  For an idea of how this should look, in an ideal world, I recommend that you spend the better part of an evening pouring through the website of one Ms. Gloria Johnson.

http://www.gloriajohnson.us/photo.htm

By making a study of Ms. Johnson’s website, we see what separates the good from the truly superb.  Making it clear that you excel at activities such as Country-Western line dancing?  Good.  Making it clear that you excel at the choreography of such an art form?  Better. Making it clear that you were paid by a major record label (has anyone not heard of MCG/Curb Records?) to “write a dance” and produce the dance instruction video (”Thump” for the Smokin’ Armadillos’ “Thump Factor”)?  Superb.

Thank you, Ms. Gloria Johnson, for bringing a little glamour into each and every life that you touch.

Second: Let Nothing Come Between You and Your Glamour

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1102072mugs2.html

The website listed above, sitting quietly in a little corner of the Internets, has done us the favor of cataloguing glamour photography in the least likely of places: jail.  While the lesser among us might break down under such circumstances, a strong woman views the mug shot as nothing more than yet another opportunity to let her inner glamour shine through.  Hats off to you, ladies.  And cuffs on.  Speaking of which, those cuffs just might be Harry Winston originals.  Only your jailor knows for sure.

Third: You May Now Move about the Cabin and Glamourize Your Child

Once the inherent glamour of your own status has been permanently established, you may attend to the glamour needs of your minor child.  But keep in mind that while the soft-focus lens of glamour photography meets the needs of most adults, minor children may not have benefited from orthodontia, rhinoplasty, breast augmentation, and injections of Botox® and Restylane® around the eyes. We must, therefore, not shy away from the many advantages that Photoshopping has to offer your pint-sized, pageant contestants.   Photoshop® software by Adobe® may be the only thing standing between them and the horror … of a world without glamour.  And the web makes access to this modern marvel called Photoshop® as easy as the click of a button.

Take a look at the little girl on the left in the picture below.  You know what thoughts ran through the mind of Kristin’s mother, just as the photographer took the picture,  “Kristin’s snaggly teeth … the pudgy cheecks … the bags under her eyes … she looks hideous!”

http://www.naturalbeautiescontest.homestead.com/retouch.html

But now take a look at the the little girl on the right in the picture above.  Do you think such a perfect–yet perfectly natural–look could have been achieved using conventional means?  Porcelain veneers for her teeth would have cost a fortune.  Replacing her lackluster eyes with the glass ones used by taxidermists would have been illegal in most states.  (Not you, Nebraska.  You know I would never suggest that about you.)  Flattening out her pudgy cheeks would have been a thankless and distasteful process.  But with the power of Photoshop®–and the Internets–little Kristin has been transformed into the image of perfection that we see today.

Fourth: All Creatures Glamourous and Small

Nothing says glamour like full military regalia.  And no creature deserves a taste of glamour (or a taste of chicken liver, for that matter) more than your loyal, furry companion.  Imagine your dog, cat, or other pet dressed as an Army colonel.  Or as an astronaut.  Okay, now stop imagining … and make the dream a reality … with the Pets in Uniform website. Feast your eyes on Cody [pictured below].  Cody is 50% canine … 100% hero … and 200% glamour. 

Pets in Uniform charges a flat rate–currently just 19.99 in time for the holidays–and it does not appear that they will charge extra for each additional medal pictured.  The owners of Cody should breathe a sigh of relief upon hearing this news considering the number of medals that Cody appears to have racked up, no doubt through his valiant efforts on the field of battle.

Conclusion:  If there is one thing that we have learned today, it is that, as Prometheus did with fire, so the Internets have done with glamour.  The Internets have made the eternal glory of allure and style available to all.  And remember, once we drink deeply to slake our own thirst for glamour, we must, eventually, make sure that no thirst of any child–or animal–is left unquenched.  I wish you luck in your quest.

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