In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket is an advice column by Andrew Bucket. If you need advice on anything in the world, email your dilemmas to Unclebucketadvice@gmail.com by Tuesday morning.
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How can I become the third Party Bro?!
Dear Uncle Bucket,
-Super Hot Yo-boy
I know how you feel. It can begin so innocently at a friends birthday bash, getting to choose the music, everyone loving your selections, and the revelation strikes you with divine force: I am not so bad at this....I could do this all the time...and get paid...holy Jeff Spiccoli....I AM A DJ!
But in reality, you aren't a DJ, and though I can't offer you advice on how to achieve the success that Gavin Holland or Chris Burns enjoy, I CAN say there are two tracks you can follow:
You can start going to every single party you get invited to. You can start trying to remember hundreds of people's names. You can download every remix from every blog. You can try to develop a sense of crowd control. You can purchase thousands of dollars worth of gear. You can take on the daunting task of making your own music, only to send it off to blogs to be reviewed by total strangers. You can conceptualize your own party, promote online for most of the day, and head out at night to flyer the bars. You can quit your day job, and eat sardines for dinner for the first couple of years. YIPES!
Or there is another kind of DJ that you can be: The Spin Doctor. This just means you play the Spin Doctors at parties and people go: yeaaahhhh!
Doesn't that sound more fun?
The Miss-Education of Capitol Hill
-Sweetie Lacking Ugly Taste
It might be the case that your current boyfriend is taking a look at the spring chicken-heads. I know I am. These girls seem like they have it all figured out, don't they? "What's that? Oh, do a shot? Sure, I don't have work until 4 tomorrow, so whatever!"
Maybe your boyfriend has met some of these chicks. Maybe he wants to give them the one-armed-scissor at the drive in. Maybe he will, and maybe he'll think he loves it. You'll feel so betrayed since you did everything you were supposed to...
But in reality you wasted your early twenties, didn't you? Are you happy that you got all those degrees and got that super job and now you're 28 and all your memories are about doing homework a lot. Didn't you learn anything from T.V? Homework is borrriiingg.
So, I think you deserve a break. If you have a PhD, then you can pretty much get a job whenever right? Ever thought of going to Costa Rica? It's mad cheap. Also, I heard latin men are hotter for some reason.
That said, don't get a make-over to look like a 22 year old. You should wear a lot of black and play up your intensity. You are clearly very smart and actually not old at all. Guess who loves 28 year old women-- 45 year old men. They all look like Warren Beatty and want to go down on you for like ten hours because no babies came out of there yet.
bye slut
-Uncle Bucket
Talk, but not about Talk Talk
Dear Uncle Bucket
I'm a shy person who is a musician. I'd prefer to stay home, but I often find myself at parties or shows surrounded by people I only know very shallowly. I get overwhelmed, and so I revert to talking about music, which is a pretty amateur topic of conversation. It's boring to everyone involved, and whenever I overhear myself, I get bummed out and want to go nap in the van. What can I do to expand my conversational repertoire and/or get over my social nerves (without drinking any more than I do).
help!,
Hey Not So Cunning,
This is a very common feeling. You shouldn't think it to be a problem though. I think a common misconception is this: because conversation with strangers should be meaningful or somehow constructive towards you getting to know each other, you must exchange real, intimate feelings or opinions.
In reality, if you're at a party then nobody expects you to do that. Sure, if you talk like that with a girl at a party then she might want to be your girlfriend later, but for the most part it is the wrong environment for deep one-on-one conversation. Music is probably a go-to subject for you because it's easy to talk about, but also intertwined with your real feelings.
My favorite party conversations are mostly trivial, hypothetical, or creative. If you're a musician this should be easy, because it is like jamming. Just throw a question out there like:
do you find Charles Manson attractive?
If this seems pointless and empty to you, then maybe parties arent your scene. Small dinner parties are good, and so are wine bars. Seriously. Try it.
nostrovia!
-Uncle Bucket
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Andrew Bucket is a regular contributor at BYT and has been called a good listener by more than a few recently single women.
Previously in Misc/Awesome:
- 12/28: Terrible Boyfriend/ Girlfriend Generator.
- 12/1: The John Waters Advent Calendar-it starts today
- 11/28: It Chooses You: All I Want for Christmas is Everything from Miranda July's Pop-Up Shop
- 11/3: Things I'd Move to Minnesota For
- 9/6: PHOTOS: Maloof $$ Money Cup
- 9/2: PHOTOS: Chantilly Model Train Show
- 9/1: Libby's List: 5 Things I Want Right Now...
- 8/22: PHOTOS: Best Friends Day
- 8/10: PHOTOS: Lawn Mover Racing, Eastern Seaboard Regionals @ Bowles Farm
- 7/26: Special List: Things the BYGays Want Now That We Can Marry In DC (and NY!)
God loves a cheerful giver.
i thought this dude was a kook, but this is good.
those three questions actually just solved 6 years worth of my troubles, thanks uncle bruckheimer!
@benburbs - agree, totally.
This is one of my new favorite things. Good job, Bucket!!
i cant believe i missed the first guys acronym:
SHY-boy.
live and learn.
This was surprisingly funny. Perhaps not such a kook? Rather, a cook who can write good articles on occasion
SHY-boy, while Bucket's advice is scarily accurate - years of going to every party ever and taking an interest in others, etc etc, AND I was indeed known to drop mad Spin Doctors at Asylum - I'm going to give you a shortcut.
In the wake of this advice column, it seems that the only acceptable course of action is to is have you open for us PARTY BROS. some Tuesday at Wonderland. Perhaps even this Tuesday, I don't think I've booked it yet. While this won't make you the mythical Third Party Bro, it's about as close as you can get. We will teach you this... what do you call it.... A New Way.
HOWL,
g a h o l l a n d {AT} g m a i l
Actually, I'm just gonna ask Bucket for your contact info. Duh. No impostors will be accepted! In fact, if ANYBODY hits me up pretending to be this guy just to get a gig, I swear to god, I will ban you from any event I ever do, for the rest of eternity, and you will also be HAUNTED by BAD KARMA.