Brightest Young Things

1. The Coke Bust

Dear unckle bucket,

What happens when the first time your boyfriend drops the "L bomb" he is simultaneously breaking up a bag of cocaine while you're both hiding in a bathroom. Does it count?

tanks,

In Da Klub

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Hey IDK,

Perhaps the strangest thing I would do in Middle School was usually right after my lunchtime dose of Adderall, when I would sit at my desk and hand-write articles for the Washington Post.

One article was a sort of op-ed about gang violence, based solely on things I saw on New York Undercover.

The article was not just a firm decry of gangs, drug dealers, and your general ne'r-do-wells--no-- it was also a scathing criticism of the mass-media for their glamorizing depictions of gangsters and criminals. I imagined I was this eloquent:

I expected to be published of course, and then heralded as a child prodigy.

Another thing I would do on Adderall is make plans I never intended to keep. One time I asked a pretty weird kid if he wanted to play paint-ball with me on a not-so-distant Saturday. This obviously never happened. Though that kid eventually did start a paintball club when we got to high school. No joke. He also worked at a store in the mall that sold daggers like this:

I suppose the point of that story was that the connections were firing left and right in my brain while I sat and wrote these half-baked diatribes, or made plans with weirdos. Speedy drugs create this sense of urgency to make plans, to follow through, and to accomplish things. It allows you to see a goal, even decades down the line, and actually make a linear plot for how  to get there.

Some people, who are sober mind you, think this way all the time, and they usually become really, really rich, marry young, and won't go to a restaurant without a reservation. From them, I would consider an L-bomb to be foreal, albeit unsettling...

But in reality, those kinds of drugs ironically make us feel like we are not just content, but SO FUCKING CONTENT WE CANT EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE IT, SO WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE OUR SITUATION RIGHT NOW!!!

It is a powerful feeling, my gentle reader, and it sounds like it manifested in a really ill-timed, inaugural blurt of what is maybe the most pivotal expression in a relationship.

Your BF is kind of a dum-dum for doing that, but there are definitely some up-sides to this.

1. you were the one  his hyper-drive brain picked to project his uber-contentedness on...

not some ex-GF, not some rando he had a really meaningful, spiritual convo with while smoking a cig---no, it was you, and thats cute, if anything.

2. it can actually be a point of meaningful discussion for when you're sober. oddly enough, these awkward things that happen while we're wasted can serve as jumping off points for real intimacy...mostly because we say or do things that we might not otherwise say or do and once it's out there, baby, it's out there.

You can ask him about what he said, but it is important you make it safe for him to admit he rushed the order on the L word. My feeling is that he meant to say he really likes where your relationship is going, but didn't quite know how to articulate it.

3. He could have said a lot worse things while on coke. Alcohol and speed have a way of magnifying what is inside of us. The happy person will be the life of the party, the bitter person will start a fight. Your boy said I love You. So how about that?

love to love to love ya,

Uncle bucket

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2. Parents just don't understand....me dropping out of college.

Dear Uncle Bucket,

I'll be about 20 credits short of graduating college when I start in the fall, but I am absolutely burnt out. Not only that, but after my internship for an advertising firm I got offered a paid position on a 6 month contract to do graphic design. This would be a dream for me and I could afford to live in a more interesting part of the city to boot. The snag is that I cannot possibly do this job and go to school at the same time.

My parents will lose their minds if I leave school, especially this close to graduating. College is something that is so, so, so important to them.

what do I do? I feel like this opportunity wont happen again.

help,

Senior-itis

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Hola Senior,

Well if you are in college right now, then your parents are a part of a generation that collectively decided that we should all go to college. They really, really, really think highly of college.

Lets go back in time: it is 1960 (about) when your parents were born, and they witnessed the kind of ignorance and low-mindedness that caused a lot of bogus events in our history. Also, your parents witnessed the most boomin-est middle class EVER. Back then if you went to college you were like HOT shit. If you want to college back then, your parents bragged about you all day. It was the biggest point of pride a parent could have.

This is how the institution of high learning got so powerful-- parents wanted college so desperately for their children that they would pay out the wazzoo, no matter what it cost. Then people figured this out and set up shop... pretty soon it wasn't just tuition... you needed an endless list of things that were all essential to attending college. You needed a computer, you needed a meal plan, you needed a list of books that cost sometimes a thousand dollars total.

Industry built itself around the abstraction of education, which is the most corrupt kind of industry because the product is not quite standard. You can't get a viable degree through self-education like Abe Lincoln, so college have everyone by the short and bushies.

From 1982-2006, college tuition and associated fees went up %439. Even if you adjust for inflation, that is still re-donk.

So most of us take out student loans. We leave college with mad debt, and oh by the way, the job market is not as impressed by a college degree anymore. Master degrees are the new Bachelors degress, and those cost EVEN MORE money than what you already paid. Sort of sullies the whole "graduating" thing huh?

I know we got off track from your problem, but it is important that YOU know how little your parents know about college today. They are well intentioned, and they love you, and they are sweethearts for trying to instill a desire to educate yourself. All of that is well and good. They are just being good parents.

But IN REALITY, you have recognized the biggest difference between the old days and the new days, which is that sweet jobs come on the inside track. If you go the long route and try to cold-call your way in, presenting a resume, and interviewing then it's gonna be a cold winter my friend.

If anything, the world today is more akin to the way your grandparents had it. The most successful people carved their own niche and didn't depend on some company to take care of them for the rest of their life. They built that middle class that your parents so fondly remember. (I mean granted, non-white people did a lot of the hard labor for basically no money, but you get the point)

You've done the smart thing by getting an internship as a college student-- that means you got to show your stuff while gaining some experience, and at the very least some good resume fader for later on. BUT THEN you earned yourself the fucking Stanley Cup of internships: the paid position!

College isn't going anywhere, and jobs, especially jobs in the advertising/media world, are like a secret society. If one hires you, it is way easy to go somewhere else because you will meet so many people at different companies and they will help you down the line if you do a good job. You can parlait this thing into a really good, comfortable situation.

If you have 20 credits left, you can pick those off two at a time, or you can wait until you have some money put away and you're sick of the working world. It can be really nice to go back to school when you're having a crisis.

Your parents are going to be mad, but you are going to be proven right when you have a job and your classmates are trolling craigslist with a really symbolic piece of paper hanging in their parents house.

Ultimately, live the life that YOU want to live. This isn't going to end with college...you can look forward to marriage, child-bearing, house-buying, lawn care, house cleaning, and so many other points of your life that mom and dad will be weighing in on.

Just do it,

Uncle Bucket

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3. The Lightning Round

Dear Uncle Bucket,

I've got a lot on my mind...here goes:

1-what is up with doods and their feelings? like why wont they talk about them until absolutely forced to, like when you are breaking up with them.

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Sounds like too little too late to me, but it also sounds like you let him get away with it for too long anyway. There is such a thing as an intimacy binge. You need to eat smaller portions and more frequently for a healthy metabolism.

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2-is pmdd for real or made up to sell YAZ birth control because seriously i feel like murdering someone right now?

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I dunno, because just like that crabby-probably-a-vegan Amanda Hess said, I don't know jack about birth control. I also don't want to pay for it. Unless we get on a realistic pay-period (pun totally intended) otherwise once we decide to quit hooking our privates together, I might be paying for some other bro-chief's surfin' safari.

Pardon et moi for practicing sound investment. So don't tax my gig so hardcore, cruster.

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3-is seasonal affective disorder real or is it made up to sell tanning bed time because i seriously feel like murdering someone right now?

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It is absolutely real and you might be feeling the funk as we speak. However, I am of the weird opinion that it is not a disorder, but rather an evolutionary left-over that reminds us of our once visceral connection to the earth. So, I dunno, maybe you'll feel better after you go tanning, but I think it's a season of YOU, embrace it, and thank it for being there. At least you feel SOMETHING. You could be a sociopath and feel nothing. That'd be terrible.

For advice on staying healthy, even through unhappiness, I often turn to Kate Bornstein:

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4-i am torn between wanting a normal people life and wanting y'know, like a wild life?  any thoughts?  how can i have it all?

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Indecisive people take every decision so seriously that they sometimes miss out on the moment. Ferris Bueller once said that John Lennon once said that "life is what happens when you're busy making plans."

You can't have it all, but you should start noticing that there is rarely a unique decision to make--almost always it will be "do or don't do".

Do the things that please you, and damn the consequences. If staying in and watching Law and Order pleases you even though you're missing a No Bunny show, then fine.

If staying up all night and showing the world you aren't dead yet pleases you, then forget about work tomorrow.

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5-what about random drug testing?!!

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Andrew Bucket is a regular contributor at BYT, and owns the movie A League of Their Own.

send you problems to unclebucketadvice@gmail.com

and he will help you help yourself, and keep you anonymous like so many alcoholics.

Previously in Misc/Awesome:

• 12/28: Terrible Boyfriend/ Girlfriend Generator.
• 12/1: The John Waters Advent Calendar-it starts today
• 11/28: It Chooses You: All I Want for Christmas is Everything from Miranda July's Pop-Up Shop
• 11/3: Things I'd Move to Minnesota For
• 9/6: PHOTOS: Maloof $$ Money Cup
• 9/2: PHOTOS: Chantilly Model Train Show
• 9/1: Libby's List: 5 Things I Want Right Now...
• 8/22: PHOTOS: Best Friends Day
• 8/10: PHOTOS: Lawn Mover Racing, Eastern Seaboard Regionals @ Bowles Farm
• 7/26: Special List: Things the BYGays Want Now That We Can Marry In DC (and NY!)