Brightest Young Things

In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket is an advice column by Andrew Bucket. If you need advice on anything in the world, email your dilemmas to Unclebucketadvice@gmail.com by Tuesday morning.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

1. Stogna? Bologna.

Dear Uncle Bucket,

These days I work a lot...it sucks, and my favorite thing to do when I get home is to get really really stoned and just space out on the couch all evening. Apparently what I excel at during these evenings is ignoring my girlfriend.  When I'm not stoned, I know I am very attentive and we talk about our days, and hang out--but when I'm stoned, she says I'm useless. I offer her bong hits all the time so we can be stoned together, but she hates it.

I don't want to piss her off and make her dump me, but DAMN do I love weed.

What's your opinion, Uncle Bucket -- am I doomed?

help,

Boring Office, Nice Greens

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Hey BONG,

I know the breaks, amigo.  A long day of mindless office work feels like the perfect set-up for a huge, ice cold (because you should be putting ice in your bong) hit off the old tube...followed by some boob-tube...maybe a tube of Pringles...

You feel like you deserve a little time to just chill... mellow out...getttin stooonnned....yeaaahhh...

If you're 16 then there is nothing quite like getting stoned and being lazy. It can even go un-checked through college without much consequence, except for the EPIC consequence of you having nothing to show for yourself. Terrence McKenna, who was perhaps the GREATEST EVER proponent of weed, has like 19 doctorates and SO many books-- and achieved most of this while he was way higher than you get after work:

In reality, it sucks that you want to drag your girlfriend along with you into this cliche of pot-headed-laziness. What is worse is that your "love of weed" is harming your relationship with an actual woman-- Mary Jane is not actually going to love you back, contrary to whatever Rick James said.

You hate your job, right? Why?...because you feel robbed of your individuality, you feel like a cog in the machine, you feel like another brick in the great wall of whatever...

So you just assume this image you've seen in films and television where: the guy hates his job but  he copes by smoking lots of weed, and boy isn't he lovable--this manchild, the incorrigible High Times Subscriber.

Do you really like this identity you've strapped on like an outfit you bought at the mall?

Dude, you don't love weed. You abuse weed. I'm not even sure you deserve weed. You're wasting it, mon frere...and you know as well as I do that wasting weed is a crucial party foul.

But I wont just yell at you. Here's what you need to do:

1. Stop smoking weed every night. This is the only time during the week that is actually yours. You need to spend it hanging out with your girlfriend, or at least eating a good meal so that you aren't so exhausted all the time.

2. Your girlfriend hates weed, so you should smoke it exclusively with your bros. It'll take you back to the teen years you can't seem to let go of, and it'll spare your poor woman the shame of watching you fellate something that looks all too much like a sex toy.

3. When you do smoke weed, try to engage in something productive (not necessarily creative, I know art is faggy), but even something like: going to the grocery store, or playing a slo-mo game of basketball where everyone plays as slow as possible--TRUST ME its trippy , or you can always try assembling the IKEA Aneboda dresser that has been in the hallway for 3 1/2 months:

billabong! wishes, and Pac Sun dreams!,

Uncle Bucket.

<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_~~~

<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_~~~

2. A Blister In the Sun

Dear Uncle Bucket,

Hey, I'm 26. I recently got out of a six year relationship and have been trying my hand at "playing the field" -- the usual rebound fare. This has led to a few one night stands. A few more than a few, maybe.

The reason I'm writing you is because I am pretty sure I have contracted an STD... there is something evil happening to my nethers, Uncle Bucket. The worst part is I'm not sure who I got it from or whether I have slept with anyone since catching it. I am pretty freaked out.

What are some symptoms of common STDs?

thanks,

Oh Why Why Why Why!

<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~

Hi Owwww,

There is nothing more unsettling, day-ruining, and barf-o-rama inducing than an STD scare. What sucks is the only thing that will bring you back to Zen during one of these crises is the almighty expert opinion. What is worse: if you don't have good health care, you can't really get any expert opinion for under $500.

FOR YOUR BEES WAX: if you dont have insurance at all, you need to join a free clinic in advance, you can't just show up contrary to popular speculation.

So you should join one just in case.  Go to 1660 Columbia Rd if you don't know of any:

BUT OK, so you think you have an STD.

Lucky for you, the internet has a wealth of information about STDs, but not-so-lucky for you-- every symptom they describe sounds just like what you have. It'll be a lot of vaugueries like "irritation" or "rash on crotch."

You might call your parents...but they don't know anything about real STDs. The only STDs they had in the 70s were pregnancy and bad breath. (BTW thanks for your wonderful sexual revolution, Mom and Dad, you successfully invented like 90 rashes but couldn't even dent the Puritan wall of shame)

All you want in the world are specifics, because it can seem like there are SO many STDs you could possibly have...

In reality, you need to be afraid of four things: Herpes, HPV, HIV, and Hepatitis B.

These are the four incurable viral infections that are exactly what you don't want to get. So lets do some quick deduction:

HIV: there is no crotch rash associated with HIV, but you should be getting tested for HIV at least once a year, as a present to yourself and everyone else.

Hepatitis B: the symptoms here are vomiting, jaundice, and eventually liver cancer/death...but no crotch stuff.

HPV: well, you can have this and not know it, which could eventually cause you cervical cancer, so I would suggest getting the vaccine and or getting tested for it....but, no crotch rash, just weird warts sometimes.

Herpes: BINGO GAZINGO! This viral infection begins with red bumps on the junks which then become inflamed, and begin ravaging your privates, your lieutenants, all the way up to your generals. It is an almost mythically terrible forest fire of the pubis and and outbreak lasts for weeks. If you have a rash and flu like symptoms, you need to go to planned parenthood right this moment. They will do a blood test if you have visible symptoms.

If you do en up having it, don't think of it as a death sentence. You can live a full life and have great success in many things. Did you know Robin Williams has herpes? This same Robin Williams:

But thats it babe.

If you have a crotch rash, discharge, but no flu-like symptoms-- then you probably just have a minor league STD like ghonnerea or the clap. You can go to the CVS clinic to get an anti-biotic and be rid of it pretty quickly, for like $70 I think-- which is slightly more expensive than the stuff that cleans your pee for drug tests.

BUT HONESTLY GIRL:

Flame on!

Uncle Bucket

<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~
<~><~><~><~><~><~><~><~><~><~><~><~>

3. The Spectrum

Dear Uncle Bucket,

I am pretty sure my good friend has Aspergers.  I've read up on the subject after I had watched a documentary about Temple Grandin, and was baffled by how perfectly the signs of Aspergers or Austism described my friend.

Should I do something? I'm fairly positive he has never been diagnosed, and might have an easier time if he knew why some situations were hard for him.

'bergs in the 'burbs

<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<

Hi Burbs,

Our generation is more aware of the Autism spectrum than any generation before us. The field of computer engineering and the boom of Web-based companies have respectively introduced a whole new wave of people to the work force that were shit out of luck in the days of yore.

So much so that Google brought Dr. Temple Grandin, who you mentioned, into their Googleplex for a huge consultation on how they could improve their work environment for people who were on the Autism Spectrum.

Interestingly, many people argue that we are all "on the spectrum" at some level, but as you have noticed in your friend--some people are closer to the middle than others. Aspergers is a close relative of Autism that allows very often for high-function and in a significant percentage, the mythologized "rare abilities" of Autistic Savants.

In reality, since Aspergers is not associated with delayed speech development, as with Autism, it often goes undiagnosed and the time and attention needed to develop good social skills are simply withheld. In that case, the person with Aspergers will be left alone, having been deemed a recluse or a "weirdo".

My feeling, though, is that you aren't a psychiatrist and it isn't your place to confront your friend with such a jarring proposition, especially if you might be wrong. But maybe you could be a little more graceful about it. If you have a genuine interest in Aspergers/Autism, then you should inform yourself on the subject, and talk about it freely as something you are reading about.

Maybe it will spark a curiosity in your friend, or maybe it wont, but you will definitely learn a thing or two about the condition and you can help your friend in a practical way, since you'll understand some of the inner workings of the Aspergers mind.

thanks for writing!

Uncle Bucket

<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~

<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~

<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~<~

Andrew Bucket is a regular contributor at BYT, and he is currently producing a 6 hour biographical documentary on Ken Burns.

SUBMIT your dilemmas to unclebucketadvice@gmail.com and he promises to keep you anonymous.

Previously in Misc/Awesome:

• 12/28: Terrible Boyfriend/ Girlfriend Generator.
• 12/1: The John Waters Advent Calendar-it starts today
• 11/28: It Chooses You: All I Want for Christmas is Everything from Miranda July's Pop-Up Shop
• 11/3: Things I'd Move to Minnesota For
• 9/6: PHOTOS: Maloof $$ Money Cup
• 9/2: PHOTOS: Chantilly Model Train Show
• 9/1: Libby's List: 5 Things I Want Right Now...
• 8/22: PHOTOS: Best Friends Day
• 8/10: PHOTOS: Lawn Mover Racing, Eastern Seaboard Regionals @ Bowles Farm
• 7/26: Special List: Things the BYGays Want Now That We Can Marry In DC (and NY!)