Dear Anno Domini 2009:
I understand that you are the two-thousandth and ninth year that Spaceship Earth's denizens will be forced endure since the birth of Jesus the Nazarene, a.k.a. Christianity's Messiah. Now that our mass media's tiresome end-of-year soul-searching has drawn to a close - rituals which include lazy "Best Of" list-making, clip-art line drawings of champagne glasses and party streamers, and video montages of the famous recently deceased - I write to beg and plead: please, in the name of decency, do not suck as much as 2008.
Aught-9 - may I, in the spirit of friendship and brevity, refer to you as "Aught-9?" - I do not expect you to look kindly on my request for political, economic, socio-cultural, and psychological leniency. By any accounting, the Years of Our Lord 2000-2008 (inclusive) have made a graveyard of 21st century esprit de corps and proven a roughshod boulevard of broken dreams. Consider, in chronological order, the lowlights of this nameless, endless decade under whose metaphorical fist human civilization (barely) endures:
1. The George W. Bush presidency
2. Dot-com bubble burst
3. 9/11, response to 9/11 (Iraq War, Afghan War, torture memos, etc.), and inescapable 9/11 "culture" (Spike Lee's "25th Hour," Paul Greengrass' "United 93," Johnathan Safran Foer's "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close," Sonic Youth's "Murray Street," NYC-based painters who sport an "apocalyptic" and/or "global" aesthetic, etc.)
4. The inexplicable popularity of Scarlett Johannson
5. Parts II and III of the interminable Matrix trilogy
6. The unexpected popularity of "dancepunk" and sudden uncoolness of same
7. Any and all reality TV, save season two of "Top Chef"
8. Housing bubble burst/catatrosphic world economic crisis
9. The burgeoning popularity of Sarah Palin and ubiquitous "news" articles about Tina Fey's impersonation of same
10. Cancer, AIDS, postmodern ennui - still no cure
Aught-9, I must be frank - I do not trust you. While some whisper that sea-changes in politics (Barack Obama's "Hope" presidency) and porn (Joanna Angel's unimpeachable body of work at burningangel.com are harbingers of a friendlier year, I have no reason to think that you will not be as cruel as your cursed predecessors to homo sapiens in general and me, visionary artist Edie Sedgwick, in particular. Some bad omens: since the ball dropped in Times Square on N.Y.E., I've had my car broken into, torn my favorite pair of underwear during a messy and ultimately unsatisfying sex act, and watched the Al Pacino film 88 Minutes. Does this sound like a recipe for a satisfying 365 days?
In closing, Aught-9, I ask you to remember Blanche Dubois, the doomed protagonist of Tennessee Williams' A Streetcar Named Desire. Like Blanche, we - that is, the human citizens of Spaceship Earth - must "always depend on the kindness of strangers." You are the stranger at the door, and the gaslight in the foyer casts a shadow on your features. Are you smiling, or scowling? We cannot know. We are at your mercy. Be kind.
Yours in struggle,
Edie Sedgwick
Edie Sedgwick opens for Imperial China and Title Tracks and the Black Cat tonight.
Previously in Misc/Awesome:
- 12/28: Terrible Boyfriend/ Girlfriend Generator.
- 12/1: The John Waters Advent Calendar-it starts today
- 11/28: It Chooses You: All I Want for Christmas is Everything from Miranda July's Pop-Up Shop
- 11/3: Things I'd Move to Minnesota For
- 9/6: PHOTOS: Maloof $$ Money Cup
- 9/2: PHOTOS: Chantilly Model Train Show
- 9/1: Libby's List: 5 Things I Want Right Now...
- 8/22: PHOTOS: Best Friends Day
- 8/10: PHOTOS: Lawn Mover Racing, Eastern Seaboard Regionals @ Bowles Farm
- 7/26: Special List: Things the BYGays Want Now That We Can Marry In DC (and NY!)
God loves a cheerful giver.
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