Our newest contributor, Merit, will be moving back to the District later this month (so get ready). Until she does let’s listen to heed her wise advice for the next time we’re abroad.
So I’ve been an American in London for about a year now, and while I’ve become familiar with the neighborhoods, found bars I like, and even figured out a system for surviving on US dollars here, the one thing that hasn’t changed is that I still don’t understand British men. At all. This isn’t just me, though. A highly scientific poll of the other American girls I know here confirms that the boys here are completely and utterly indecipherable. There must be something about American boys that is easy to read, because I’ve never had this problem before. If you think a British guy is definitely, totally into you, you’ll never hear from him again. Conversely, if you think he’s completely disinterested and may even strongly dislike you, make sure he doesn’t get your number if you aren’t into him, because he will, without fail, call you ten times a week. Maybe we really are just divided by a common language or whatever. I’m serious, though, all [ra]dars are off here.
So! This is sort of like the blind leading the blind. However, after much trial and error, here are a few tips I’ve accumulated to help any of you who are moving to London with dreams of romancing a hot young Brit thing with a posh accent to tell your friends back home about:
1) Avoid any City boys – they’re like Manhattan i-bankers, just in nicer suits. Unless you’re into that sort of thing - but something tells me BYT’s readership isn’t. Actually, really, everyone should avoid these guys on both sides of the pond.
Here’s who you should be looking for, instead:
The Cambridge Alum Hipster:
The Cambridge Alum Hipster can be found in east London, usually living in a quietly expensive flat in Shoreditch/Brick Lane/Hoxton/Columbia Rd, which is sort of the Williamsburg of London (i.e. actually artsy/cheap before being gentrified in the early ‘00s, now haven of faux-hipsters with cash to spare). You may be asking yourself how to spot them. Easy! They’ll take the work out of it for you by mentioning Cambridge in the first 30 seconds of meeting you, especially if (or maybe because?) you’re American and they know you’ll quietly swoon while pretending not to care. Now, some tips:
1) Be mean. Seriously. I’ve never had better luck than when playfully acerbic with these guys.
2) Similarly, never be impressed they went to Cambridge. Roll your eyes when they mention it.
3) Don’t roll your eyes when they talk about whatever public/independent (= private for us Americans) school they went to. They’re very protective of their boys school days, so this is the moment when you can be appropriately charmed by their utter Britishness.
4) As long as you sigh and shake your head at appropriate times (eg. at anything related to Bush, Iraq, middle America, etc), you can get quite a bit of mileage out of being American. Though they won’t really admit it and will in fact profess to hate all things crassly American, I think there’s a certain fascination with us gleaned, I suppose, from all of the US movies that dominate the cinemas here. Remind them of this cultural imperialism, perhaps by innocently asking what great British films have come out in the past few years. Because what Brit can’t appreciate a little old-fashioned imperialism?
5) Chin up, though, little Brit. Let’s talk about your television shows for a bit, which are, in fact, quite good, and will soften the blow of reminding you of our painful filmic domination. British tv is a perfect conversational tool, and you may even walk away with some great new children’s shows to watch, like The Storyteller . Or, even better, The Wombles!
6) Don’t be a slut. Unfortunately, our reputation precedes us here (thanks, study abroaders!), so not putting out is a great way of weeding out the ones who may be initially attracted to your, ahem, intrinsic Americanness.
7) Admit that you’re turned on by their accent. This is only to be used late in the game, however. I can’t stress that enough.
8) Finally, if any of this works and you’re lucky enough to get to know one of them, they will invariably own several super-soft and snuggle-inducing cardigans. Steal when possible.
Ok, that’s all I can think of right now. I’m sure there’s more, but the general pattern here is to be indifferent and mean at first, see your US upbringing as an advantage rather than an embarrassment, and only admit how charming they are grudgingly and further down the road.
Oh, and just accept that you will never really understand them, despite sort of speaking the same language.
[Update: A British friend has some quibbles with #6: “Please, be a slut. English girls are way too frigid. As you can see from this article, Trans-Atlantic communications can be somewhat confusing at the best of times, and we should all be doing our best to strengthen our mutual affection and ‘special bond.’”]
Having dated English girls on more than one occasion, your characterizations ring true. They are utterly confused by their own, pathologically confusing kind, and thus easily go in for dating simple and straightforward shlubs like me who are willing to express affection without making them go cross-eyed with mixed signals. Of course, they mostly have bad teeth, unlike Americans, who have fluoridated water, and they are smelly, unlike Americans, who invented deodorant and bathing.
September 6, 2008 at 6:39 amMerit - my male friend working abroad is in desperate need of the other version of this article.
September 6, 2008 at 2:31 pmCambridge boys with expensive flats? What’s that Kanye song I referenced in the other thread?
September 6, 2008 at 3:38 pmdon’t be fake.
September 9, 2008 at 11:50 am
As a sympathizer for Scottish efforts towards devolution, I object to your use of the term “British,” as it is nothing more than a reinforcement of the cultural and political dominance that London continues to exert over Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.
September 5, 2008 at 3:26 pm