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all photos: Dakota Fine
all intrepid reporting: Members of EXACTLY (who are playing a show this Wednesday @ Velvet Lounge, fyi)

National cheerleading championships were held this past weekend at the Patriot Center in Virginia, and BYT sent Exactly to cover it.
Why us? Maybe BYT editorial staff was under the impression that cheerleading is some fluffed-up sexy pom-pom show, and that Exactly is the most misogynistic band of perverts in DC. Well, they may have been right about us, but they were dead wrong about cheerleading.
Much to our initial dismay, competitive cheerleading is less like the carwash scene in Bring It On and more like Little Miss Sunshine meets Beyond Thunderdome. As a sport though, it’s pretty intense, and I think that at the end of the day Exactly gained a lot of respect for these girls (and dudes) as atheletes.

Cheerleaders that BYT sent us to cover: not like this at all.

But on Sunday morning, we were mostly unburdened by this “athletic respect” stuff. Somehow, we heard the word “cheerleading” and we were thinking Kirsten Dunst, Amy Smart and Claire-from-Heroes-level babes. Let’s face it, “cheerleader” is shorthand for “hot” in tv shows, movies, pornos, or whatever. So when we rolled up to the Patriot Center and all we could see were what looked like 8-year-olds wearing makeup that made JonBenet Ramsey look subtle, we were alarmed. It’s hard to describe the mix of confusion, disappointment and repulsion that we went through as we made our way to the entrance. We smoked.

Terrified as we were, once we got inside, we started to accept the situation for what it was, and to appreciate the insane spectacle as an end in itself. I mean, there were kids being hurled through the air in front of a set decorated with a huge replica of the capitol building and neon pink and green stars. There were hand-drawn ads for on-site teeth whitening, thematically-dressed stage parents everywhere, and somehow inevitably, an Obama impersonator. In short order, we got our press passes and our tour was underway. Our tourguide, Dimi, was super nice to us and showed us all the backstage workings of the competition. Plus, she was a total babe, so that helped. We went outside to the warm-up tent and got uncomfortably close to the kids doing their warm-up routines before they hit the stage. When you see this stuff from like 3 feet away, you realize that it’s no joke tossing another human being 25 feet in the air and then having to catch them. After this sobering realization, of course we bounced on the springy floor like retards at a 22-topping ice cream parlor. We are totally installing this shit at our practice space, btw.

After embarassing ourselves in a way that only we are capable of, we headed back to the main arena to watch the judged routines. There was a green room immediately before you got to the stage that was a hilarious tableau of fidgeting, hairspray and prayers. Once we got our hair and our relationship with Jesus straightened out, they let us sit in the judges area with the kids’ coaches and some parents. Of course, there was stage-parenting in full effect, but it was still kind of hilarious to see burly Dads in neon “Cheer Factory” shirts, fully focused, lip-syncing every word to their 14-year-old daughter’s cheers. We watched a few pretty insane routines, then hit the road back to DC tired, hungry, confused, and horny (but then again we are always horny…..and confused and hungry).

Is there a life lesson for Exactly in all of this? I think so. Did we leave the Patriot Center a little bit wiser? Definitely.
When they have the college-level cheerleading championships with real babes, is Exactly going to be there? HELLYES.

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