Brightest Young Things

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves (U2AT) is the second most important game of 2009, right behind Demon Souls, but for different, more troubling reasons. If U2AT was merely the boring, linear, cookie-cutter shooter/action-adventure game with the terrible/nonsensical plot, Ayn probably would not have commissioned this review-- no one gives a shit about the latest Tomb Raider/Prince of Persia/Ninja Gaiden (post-NES. Obv.). (JP Morgan note: Randcorpse would like it known that Ninja Gaiden Black is off the fucking wall). Alas, U2AT is not JUST a horrendous video game, U2AT is the video game manifestation of the many strains of cultural mediocrity that run throughout our beloved land in its imperial twilight. Further (and far more sinister), the hype surrounding U2AT represents a watershed moment (IMHO) for gaming criticism, a beast which finally turned the corner from proffering judgments based (for the most part) on unfiltered analysis of the merits of the game by way of a virginal purity like the princess in Neverending Story; to a cheer-leading whore for vacuous industrial conformity, willing to sell its integrity down the river whenever it sees a shiny thing, like Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta.

(Rand Corpse promised its girlfriend it would get a Real Housewives reference into a video game review.)

Let's get the bullshit out of the way first-- U2AT is basically every Tomb Raider game you've ever played. The only differences being, the main character is a dude. U2AT is less a game than it is a mildly interactive shitty Jerry Bruckheimer movie. U2AT plot unfolds in predictable manner-- mix 3 parts Indiana Jones, 2 parts National Treasure, 1 part Goonies, 1/2 part Lost Horizon and stir vigorously until you see some Kipling-inspired Noble Savage racism bubbling to the surface. It's really not important, but basically you are a white guy trying to find some gigantic emerald hidden away by Marco Polo in Nepal after a long opium binge. Along the way you steal various bedazzled "artifacts" from stupid brown peoples who want to do silly things like put them in museums and never figured out their true meanings like the super smart and sexy white people. With enough ancient Pottery Barn flatware Indiananicolaslara Jonescagecroft can decipher the path something called Shangri La or Shambala or wherever, where supposedly Marco Polo hid his giant steaming emerald turd. Along the way you are chased by Blackwater, lead by a Bosnian war criminal, who wants to control the stone for no particular reason at all. As Drake, you, the player, are supposed to find the stone first and then you will finally get to have sex with the boring American University Journalism/International Education double major that you used to date.

To accomplish this ignoble goal (JP Morgan Note: Stealing gemstones from brown people is b@77z), the nice designers at Naughty Dog have eliminated pesky elements like choices and corresponding consequences in order to deliver the most bland and mundane kind of gaming experience. The player is directed to follow precise, neatly designed paths using his/her tightly designed controls that leave no room for error or imagination. U2AT breaks new ground on the PS3 by reincarnating the spirit of older games such as Dragons Lair or Mad Dog McCree in which the "player" is no more than a machine operator directed to push buttons at exactly the right time and the right place in order to move the story along. In virtually every instance, the player must ascend. In U2AT Up = right, Down = Fuck you. Don't bother trying to explore the luscious canvases and beautiful cityscapes that you see in the game, there is only one way to go, and it is always up. If you can't find the right stone to grab that just happens to be protruding from a wall, don't worry, the Naughty Dog designers have assured that you will not be inconvenienced by having to do any work whatsoever by automatically giving you hints if the player is stuck for 5 minutes. After you climb enough phallic structures, you spend a few hours shooting various baddies with the usual array of NATO and Warsaw Pact small arms, kill some indig, and viola, here is your big green nut and two tickets to a Snow Patrol concert.

There are some positives-- the visuals in the game are quite good as mentioned above, and the game does allow Drake to do some interesting things, like shoot while hanging from ledges, and the voice acting sounds better than most (which really isn't saying much considering most games feature a coked-up Malcolm McDowell and/or Mark Hamill), and the gameplay is probably pleasing to dudes who play a lot of Tiger Woods Golf. Which is probably the reason why, while playing this game, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was experiencing the video game equivalent of condos in Reston; going to Las Vegas for a bachelor party; seeing Avatar; or listening to Kings of Leon. All of which are cultural artifacts of crumminess devoid of soul that deliver social validation without challenging you to explore or think critically.

OK, that's enough, I'll write my Freshman philosophy paper later. Whats that you say? You went to metacritic and saw its 96 (96!) score, and you saw that its one of the top 5 rated games for the PS3 for 2009. Well, bravo, sir/madam, you have touched upon the reason why U2AT, in all of its mediocrity, is the second-most important game of the year. You see, in the past, gamers were able to trust that most video game critics were able to discern through the bullshit that a game was crap, however, now it appears that no one cares about anything but having granite countertops and a Harris Teeter in their horrible Fairfax county living complexes. I won't discuss whether critics are in bed with game designers here-- it is a topic that has been debated in exhaustion in other forums; my point with U2AT is that it no longer matters, critics have apparently lost their discerning eye. In the past with shitty games like Dragon's Lair or Rebel Assault, critics that were not on the payroll of game companies were able to give an honest assessment of games that were nice to look at but offered no real gaming experience. U2AT, however, shows that if you allow a character to shoot while hanging on a ledge and throw in some nice graphics, nothing else matters.

Previously in Misc/Awesome:

• 12/28: Terrible Boyfriend/ Girlfriend Generator.
• 12/1: The John Waters Advent Calendar-it starts today
• 11/28: It Chooses You: All I Want for Christmas is Everything from Miranda July's Pop-Up Shop
• 11/3: Things I'd Move to Minnesota For
• 9/6: PHOTOS: Maloof $$ Money Cup
• 9/2: PHOTOS: Chantilly Model Train Show
• 9/1: Libby's List: 5 Things I Want Right Now...
• 8/22: PHOTOS: Best Friends Day
• 8/10: PHOTOS: Lawn Mover Racing, Eastern Seaboard Regionals @ Bowles Farm
• 7/26: Special List: Things the BYGays Want Now That We Can Marry In DC (and NY!)