10 Things I Want To Do Before The LHC Destroys Us All
September 10, 2008 by Jason Mogavero 
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10. Skydive whilst chucking grenades about
9. Kiss Michelle Obama ever so gently
8. Have a beer with fucking Jesus Christ
7. High-five James Murphy
6. Teabag the Gallaghers
5. Get one of those big fucking machine guns like the one Jesse Ventura had in “Predator” just so I could fire it into the air while laughing maniacally
4. Join a gym and really stick with it this time!!! lolz
3. Listen to Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the U.S.A.” while having butt sex with Sarah Palin
2. Eat a bacon cheeseburger with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad at a strip club
1. Meet my real dad:
YOUR TURN NOW
The list we like the most wins…something awesome.
We have to yet decide what but it WILL be awesome.
1. go to a nudist colony in fiji
2. have a boy take me to times square to reenact “kissing the war goodbye” (i’m a total sap, we’re all aware of this)
3. fuck frank lloyd wright (this is all theoretical, right?)
4. write a novel or finish one (i mean finish one that i’ve started)
5. learn how to make the perfect mac and cheese
6. have a show down with anna wintour
7. have a threesome with johnathan rhys meyers and jude law
8. have marisa miller’s body
9. punch someone (almost anyone, there are fex exceptions) in the face
10. unplug sarah palin
10. build a time machine and go back to audition for and co star in wet hot american summer
9. post fake casual encounter ads for all of my friends and loved ones
8. learn how to do the robot…well.
7. tell maggie gyllenhaal how i really feel about her
6. pay attention to sports
5. remember to close out my tab
4. finish LOST
3. free mumia
2. give everyone a hug
1. lose virginity
@what it do
pandering to my love for Wet Hot will not guarantee winnage
September 10, 2008 at 4:27 pm10. replace drew carrey with alan thicke as the host of price is right
9. exterminating all cats, including adorable kittens
8. add bears riding unicycles to any and all public gatherings
7. travel back in time, fuck shit up with an apache helicopter
6. clone an army of tom sizemores to help me do my dirt (they’d be particularly good at killing kittens i think)
5. eat four pounds of bacon in one sitting
4. troll for babes in the batmobile (keaton era)
3. kick-it with the pope, get some answers
2. kick-it with the dalai lama, hedge some bets
1. go to london, hit fabric one last time
the only pander i’m interested in lives at the zoo
September 10, 2008 at 5:20 pmi’ve been there 3 times and never seen no panda.
all I saw was a smelly chimp who puked and then ate it and a bunch of empty cages. fuck that zoo.
September 10, 2008 at 5:36 pmre: Wet Hot
My cousin was engaged to Ken Marino for several years. I was just told by her brother that Ken has four nipples. How awesome must that be?
I never thought I’d say this, but I now have nipple envy.
September 10, 2008 at 5:56 pmI feel like Ken must have been shirtless countless times on The State, if only it was out on DVD we could freeze frame and zoom.
September 10, 2008 at 6:29 pm10) Retire at 24
9) Let the rhythm finally get me
8) Hold hands with Bono
7) AC Slater a White House toilet
6) Open a Merkin super store
5) Give a microeconomics guest lecture at Georgtown
4) Hug and thank every employee of 7-11 in the DC are for their dedication to my cause
3) Make the world’s biggest Jello mold in the shape of two thumbs up
2) Get roundhoused in the face by Jean Claude Van Damme
1) By a bear suit so I can’t be killed
*play one on one against an old, crippled nba all-star
September 10, 2008 at 6:47 pm1: Make Quentin Tarantino cry like a baby in public.
September 10, 2008 at 9:22 pmMichael, if you make Quentin Tarantino cry like a baby in public, you’d better wake up and apologize.
Oh, wait, no. That was Mr. White in Reservoir Dogs.
September 11, 2008 at 12:35 am… in a dream, rather.
September 11, 2008 at 12:35 am
10. Not wipe after #2
September 10, 2008 at 3:48 pm9. Paintball the White House
8. Get that tattoo of Jesus drinking a 40 oz I always wanted
7. Win a BYT comments section contest
6. Scream “CRAAAPPPPP” in the middle of the National Gallery
5. Read a Walt Whitman poem
4. Breakfast: Eggs Benedict w/ homefries and bacon; Lunch: Chicken Fried Steak and a Guinness; Dinner: Cajun Ribeye, a Crabcake w/ creamed spinach; Latenight: Patty melt and fries w/ gravy
3. Assault Naomi Campbell with a cell phone.
2. Return that Hotel Rwanda DVD to Netflix
1. Vasoline from head to toe like Burt Reynolds in Striptease. Actually with Burt Reynolds, world’s ending and there’s no room for regrets.