Brightest Young Things

Photos: Nick Gingold

When I saw the Air Sex Championships listed on the Rock and Roll Hotel calendar a while back, I became a little giddy with excitement. I have covered multiple Air *Guitar* Championships for BYT in the past, and know the many joys of watching retards pretending to do stuff up on a stage.

My girlfriend Amy and I strolled in a little after doors opened. There were only a few people milling about and we immediately were bombarded with requests to be walk on contestants. They seemed a little desperate.

Show time came and went, and while the Hotel slowly filled to about ¾ capacity, there apparently still weren’t enough contestants to get this thing going. DC being uptight? Shocker.

“I think I’ll do it” Amy said to me.

“Um, sure. Do you have a plan?”

“No, I’ll just wing it.”

I nervously nodded in approval.

Air Sex (http://www.airsexworldchampionships.com/) is like the scrappy up-and-comer compared to the polished international sponsored big budget super star Air Guitar juggernaut. It’s basically three dudes from Austin touring around and having a good time. Except in Utah, apparently they’re banned there.

Unlike Air Guitar there are way less rules, no point scoring systems, they allow walk-ons, props, etc. Basically you pick a song and hump the air for 2 min. No ejaculating and no full frontal nudity. Anything else goes.

I suggested Amy perform to T. Rex’s Bang a Gong (Get It On), and she suggested her alias to be Spider Pussy. Teamwork!

Finally the show started with Joel, one of the judges and apparently a former champ, giving the audience some pointers. He explained the three basic types of Air Sex: crazy funny, sensual, and then fucked up dirty. The final type was demonstrated by air humping a very small person, throwing them in the air and catching them on his air dick. Let’s hope that was supposed to be an air midget.

Contestants were drawn from a hat. First up was Auto Asphyxia. How timely. He began his routine by stripping down to his undies and hanging himself with his pants from the wiring while feverishly masturbating. He then got “caught” and began to have quite an acrobatic love fest with the stage.

I felt his performance, while creative and energetic, could have really used a final air cum. But the judges, including some funny chick from a Baltimore improv crew were impressed. And that’s generally how it went for the rest of the night. The judges and the MC were generally nice to everyone and had some pretty hilarious lines throughout.  They seemed like some pretty cool guys you'd want to be friends with vs. Sir-creeps-a-lots.

Spider Pussy was called up. I was seriously nervous for some reason. I don’t know why. Like open mic night nervous.  But whatever, my girl seriously excels at everything she does, and this was no exception. She ended up having an air threesome up on stage, which also included strapping a dildo on a random “prop” girl pulled from the audience. There was some air blow done off air tits and a big wad of air cum straight in the eye at the end.

Well done baby, I’m so proud of you.

There were a couple of forgettable contestants until this guy emerges wearing ridiculous ninja shoes with toe holes, a fedora, guyliner, goatee, and a utility belt. He looked like he was definitely way into Dream Theater.

The crowd snickered at this clown until he passionately pulled out that grade school move where you turn your back to the audience and hug yourself so it looks like you’re making out with someone while “All By Myself” came blasting over the sound system. He then turned around, hand down his pants, and began furiously yanking Weird Al. After air cumming, he fell to his knees and sobbed in shame as a smoke machine blasted away.

He was the Susan Boyle of Air Sex. It was moving.

Next up was Red Hot Chilli Pussy who brought her male friend on stage, and gave a ferocious dry hump performance. I guarantee there were some band aids needed after that. They ended up in some pretty impressive positions, but in the end they lost on a technicality – It’s Air Sex not Air Dry Hump Your Friend. As she left the stage the host announced that she had just whispered in his ear “I want to fuck Spider Pussy”

Next up was What’s Your Name Again?, an Asian guy dressed up like he was about to hit up some red velvet rope clubs. I can’t really do the creepiness of what came next justice. He like, reenacted this entire story where he meets a girl at a bar, talks to her while mugging to the audience about how boring she is and… puts roofies in her drink. He then got naked and grossly air banged.

Everyone was just looking around thining WTF and feeling ashamed for attending the event but couldn’t tear their eyes away from this trainwreck. Finally they had to cut him short cause he was well past the time limit, and he grabbed the mic from the host and started trying to hype up this photo book he made where like the proceeds were going to some cancer foundation cause his sister died or something. His English was so bad nobody could quite figure it out.

There was another awkward contestant too that I don’t want to talk about. Trust me. it’s not entertaining, it just made me feel sad inside.

Oh, we also had Dr. Love who humped un-ironically to that Boom Boom Boom Black Eyed Peas thing that makes me want to kill the world twice.

Ok, at this point everyone had pretty much had enough of Air Sex. The judges went backstage to pick the three finalists who would compete in a final round with a mystery song. The wait seemed like forever and about half the crowd went home, but finally it was announced: Auto Asphyxia, the creepy but hilarious All By Myself Guy, and Spider Pussy air sexing to the Star Spangled Banner. Classy!

Quick recap cause I’m sure you’re getting bored by now – All By Myself guy had a disappointing follow up, Spider Pussy did a perfectly timed and hysterical shoot the air ping pong balls out of my naughty bits skit, and then Auto Asphyxia came out wearing a bike helmet, poncho, and bike flasher in his ass and bonked the table like it was his last day on earth. He deserved to win, and we were relieved we wouldn’t have to be flying out for round two somewhere.

In all seriousness, The Air Sex Championship was a great time. I applaud all the contestants who had the balls to get up there and try.  Looking forward to next year.

aaand some more great photos from our new guy Nick:

Previously in Live DC:

• 2/13: LiveDC: Veronica Falls/ Brilliant Colors @ Black Cat
• 2/13: LIVE DC: Steve Aoki/ Datsik/ Alvin Risk @ Fillmore
• 2/13: LiveDC: The Darkness @ 930 Club
• 2/9: LiveDC: Theophilus London @ 930 Club
• 2/9: Best Weekend Bets
• 2/8: LiveDC: Kathleen Edwards @ 930 Club
• 2/8: LiveDC: Thurston Moore/ Kurt Vile @ Black Cat
• 2/8: LiveDC: Thurston Moore/ Kurt Vile @ Black Cat
• 2/7: LiveDC: Demetri Martin @ Warner Theatre
• 2/7: LiveDC: Augustana/ Graffiti6 @ 930 Club