Live DC: Nylon Tour with BYOP/ She Wants Revenge / Switches & The Virgins. Phew!

June 3, 2008 by Peter  Send to a Friend

all photos: Dakota Fine (Baltimore show photos here)

How indie is it possible to be when you walk on stage to a light show that sprays logos of various cutesy products onto the venue’s walls, especially if one of the logos is for a girl’s flip-flop company?

This kind of cross-promotion is going to become more and more popular as the music industry nose-dives, labels can’t afford to promote tours or even rent the buses…soon expect bands to start wearing corporate sponsorship suits festooned with swatches of fashionable brand names like Nascar drivers for a hipster Mario Kart©. Or worse, the branding will become part of the fabric of the concert, like the constant Snapple drinking on 30 Rock. The day I see Devandra spraying himself down with Febreeze or Anthony Johnson conspicuously popping Ricola is officially the day when I switch sides and join the evil marketing department for some horrifying ringtone/nail polish remover combination product.

On the other hand, Corporate Rock doesn’t totally suck anymore. The publicity people at overly-glossy-but-fundamentally-tasteful fashion magazine Nylon managed to put four dissimilar but simpatico rockers together, equip them fully with potato chips, brightly colored v-neck shirts and bandannas, flip-flops, and whatever their drug of choice might be (see below) and send them out in overcrowded buses to spread the gospel of rock and roll far and wide (i.e. wherever Urban Outfitters has an outlet). Besides, they did have one truly worthwhile piece of merchandise to promote…who’s that Andre The Giant lookin’ stencil peeking out from the big guitar amps the bands share? That’s right, the BarackNRoller-in-Chief, Obamalamafafafa. To help future packagers of tour develop content (and to pad my resumé for the Bleepgloss street team) here is what the night would look like as a magazine insert/MTV “news” segment.

The Switches! Tired of listening to your old J. Geils Band records? Wish that Billy Squier had covered “Monster of Love?” Try some Switches! Cloned with the finest British rockstar attitude technology from discarded pieces of Liam Gallagher’s hair and Pete Doherty’s dignity and fed into the discarded robot bodies of those dudes from the Hooters, the Switches provide final evidence of the missing link between Madchester bounce and 70s power-pop! Plus they wear bananas! On their heads! Warning: Item may appear to dislike audience when waving guitar around sideways and stalking off-stage. Do not be alarmed, this is merely part of its rebellious image [aimed at swoony 13-24 female age demo].

–>Cross-promoted with: Ecstasy, wine coolers.

The Virgins! Vulnerability. Impetuousness. Sincerity. Honesty. Sophistication, but with a child’s purity of heart. Sure, I am talking about Barack Obama again, but I’m also talking about the aptly named Virgins, a quartet from Manhattan (yes they make band on that island too) who mix the fluid guitar sounds of bands like Born Ruffians and Vampire Weekend with the fancy Gang of Four funk that bubbled up in the early ‘Oughts. How can you distrust a band that plays a song like Ferrnado Pando, a song that wears it’s songwriting ambitions on it’s sleeveless vest: transitioning neatly from quiet romantic guitar and vocals chorus to upbeat ska rhythm breakdown, a song which they pretend to end, then pretend to start again, then end for real? How can you not love dudes who love performing so much that they seem totally down to drive across town at 3am to broadcast the Blackbyrd’s “Doin It In The Park” and other 70s funk gems to a half-empty sushi restaurant? Much looser and more fun live than their somewhat oversaturated new album, the Vigins make the kind of pop that you can disco to while weeping surreptitiously OR post on that one girl’s Facebook wall after you find out she has a boyfriend. 100% USDA Approved Organic!

–>Try with a nice bottle of: Prozac.

Be Your Own Pet starter kit: 9.99.

Comes with:

* Kung Fu mic grip
* Drooling old guys.
* Ridiculously cute new haircut.
* Hopping Bowleg Guitar player (just add water!)

Activities:

* Cuddles with afrokid bass player
* Touches sides of own boobs while screaming
* Makes Karen O look like a band camp nerd
* Advocates dangerous teen violence.

Guaranteed to:

* Whip100 teenage girls in party dresses into a screaming whirlpool of flesh.
* Make musclebound High-and-tight assholes who think they’re at the Warped Tour look stupid during 1950s sing-long chorus to “Betty.”
* Cause certain drooling older blog writers to do the twist in the middle of the pit.
* Concern Mom in the balcony.
* Make you believe that primitive trashy rock and roll will never die no matter how much press or free American Apparel gear you throw at it.
* Or your money back.

–> Cans of Budweiser and Speedballs sold separately.

She Wants Revenge: the Musical. Think about it! Just because every song sounds exactly the same doesn’t mean you can’t extend the brooding pounding waves of tom-beats and sparse shoegazering guitars into a four hour long multimedia extravaganza about a bunch of space sailors who wash up on an island of mechanical angels or some shit. They’d all sing about love tearing us apart again and again in a polite monotone and it would star a bunch of famous people wearing mustaches. Like Cate Blanchett …and Cate Blanchett! Now I just need sponsorship to get the project off the ground…I’m thinking: Carhartt.

–>Or whoever makes Oxycontin

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