Email to a Friend

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

The Real Blog Is In The House

July 9, 2009 by Peter

hi everyone

I’ve been hired by a unique media partnership between two prestigious but widely divergent news organizations to do some in-depth investigative reporting about the Real World finally coming to my hometown of Washington DC. It looks like its going to be an entire website/social media e-semination launching in mid-September once they are fully out of town, but before that I’ll probably be appearing on FoxAndFriends, Rachel Maddow’s Boudoir and various other morning entertainment shows like the View and Meet the Press to discuss–not just to gossip about WHO is in the house, WHAT they are doing and HOW good do they look, BUT like, community reactions, especially in their new neighborhood:

Do the camera-men respect the privacy of passersby who might not want to get filmed because they work in sensitive areas like the intelligence community or gay pentagon employee?

MEANWHILE:
Through the vigorous journalistic process of crouching outside the RWH for 5 hours last night among the bottles and the discarded hair-weaves of hooker fights I was able to positively determine some characteristics of a few of the residents.

SUBJECT A: Henceforth known as “Dawne Wanye,” Gay African-American. I haven’t exactly gotten a bead on his/her sex precisely but such matters are best left to Freepers and Fundies these days doncha think? In this era it is much more important to have a clear Genre than a gender. DW’s Genre is Situational Drama, specifically A Different World circa 1990. Somehow she appears to have a simultaneous Fro-hawk, Mini-dreads and a high-top gumby fade all at the same time (or he). Purple-on-Purple polka dots–it seems impossible but I swore I saw them on [his] body on an identical shirt/short combo to Corey Glover on Arsenio plus gold painted Cross Colour shoes. MTV is going to freak because people’ll finally have a reason to watch them in Hi-Def. Which actually would be another good code name for h/e/i/r/m dang I wish I’d thought of that at the beginning of this paragraph.

How s/he may upset DCites: Buzzing has already spread among the borg of ambiguous teenagers that accumulate in neon colonies around the Gallery Place metrostop that a new High Priest/ess of their hive mind may have arrived. The last thing that the stuffy uppercrust fashionites of Dupont Circle want is a bunch of gay people running around!

SUBJECT B: I saw this guy framed in the side window for a second, he was blond and tan and had some kind of balti haircut. Maybe you don’t know what the Balti is. Because you are a hopeless dorkballs, you probably call it something else. But that shaggy, like, Samberg thing is called the Balti, after Baltimore, because of the way HS kids don’t cut their hair during lacrosse season. I don’t think this kid was from Baltimore, I’m just saying his hair looked like that. Jesus Christ do we have to talk about this right now? I’m writing this article. Yeah, he was probably from the OC literally but that’s what his haircut SHOULD be called. That’s it; I’m calling him “the Balti” now, just to rub in it your fucking passive aggressive face. Great now you’re crying. Oh you’re going to go sleep with the Balti kid, sure that’s likely: he’s only like 20 years younger than you, MOM. Sorry, wait. Sorry. He looked like a bronze statue in that window is all–a photoshopped snap shot of all the beaches and firepits we never went to, all the kegstands we never did, like he emerged right out of the sun in a chariot with chrome wheels powered by chillax and Sublime bong rips. Yes. Goodnight to you too. Sorry. Lose weight. Nothing, I was just talking to myself.

More updates once I take a shower and buy some stronger chloroform.

or just come find me in the garbage cans across the street from 2000S or in disguise as a chinese waiter at ChiCha where two of the worst chicks will probably be seeking spiritual enlightenment from certain shaggy haired alt it-boys every week.

Email to a Friend

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
•