words: Nicole
photos: Sexy Fitsum
Approaching the entrance of the Avalon Theater last night one was met with two options: a showing of Sex and the City or a table full of free anal beads. Of course, I opted for the beads. It should probably be noted they were a promotional item for the upcoming film release of Choke, attached to a bookmark with fine print that reads “For your book, not your bum, and not for small children.”
But whatever, they are still blue, plastic anal beads.
Admittedly, the Chuck Palahniuk reading (presented by Olsson’s)was my first experience at such an event and I can’t imagine another one being anything like it. I know they can’t all be this fun, this interesting, this…filled with sex toys.
After standing in the rain for a bit, Chuck fans were ushered into the small theater and handed an autographed copy of his latest, Snuff. I haven’t read the book yet, but straight from the author’s mouth this is what it is about: Inspired by the real-life sex acts of Annabel Chong, (which you may not want to Google at work) an aging porn star named Cassie has decided she wants to go out with a gang bang and attempts to break the world record by having sex with 600 men on film. She realizes in order to be forever immortalized in this manner she’s going to have to die in the process. Much of the story is also told by three men waiting in the green room for the sex.
Local author Eric Nuzum led the event, sponsored by Olsson’s, and surprisingly it wasn’t a packed house. Fans of Palahniuk are known for being pretty much insane, but he’s OK with that. He’s known for his giveaways, responding to the overwhelming amount of fan mail with care packages filled with trinkets he likened to things found in a Christmas stocking. Last night was no different.
Palahniuk started the night with an upbeat story (well, upbeat for him) about an elderly cat with diabetes named Petey and his owners who just couldn’t manage to put him down. They told Palahniuk food they were feeding him was too expensive and they would eventually do it after they had used up all of the food. Of course, they continually filled up the bag behind each other’s back and they cat was never put down. Awwz. “I love that story,” he told the crowd. “The world is full of those stories, but tonight will not be one of them.”
The crowd was then littered with earplugs and blow-up dolls – both male and female. Neither was anatomically correct, minus the tits on the lady, but they included a large purple autograph across their crotches. A competition soon followed – whoever could blow up a guy and a girl first, won Palahniuk’s favorite collection of short stories (I think). Those things were really hard to blow up – I can’t imagine doing that each time I wanted to dirty rub on it.
Anyway, Palahniuk’s reading was not from Snuff, but a short story he wrote specifically for this tour, entitled Loser. The story revolves around a frat hazing where they all take a Hello Kitty acid blotter and go on The Price is Right. One of the Zeta Delta brothers manages to make it to the winner’s row and proceeds to play the game, bidding $8 on a loaf of bread, being shit talked via text from his mother for bidding on a crappy grandfather clock and being so fucked up that thinking a container of salt would be enough to “rim a million, billion margaritas.” He makes it to the showcase showdown and is up against an excited grandma who “probably saw all the Kennedys get shot and Abe Lincoln too,” and realizes he is forced to bid on a bunch of crap he doesn’t need or want – including a house in Bethesda. AcidHead McFrattysons bids a number that can’t even fit on the little display and Maw Maw wins. In typical fashion, or “sensationalism” as one of my Palahniuk-hating friends like to refer to it as, the story takes a hard turn and her eyes roll back into her head and she clutches her (I’m assuming puffy painted) sweatshirt. The end. It was graphic, it was cringe-worthy, it was all things Palahniuk and pretty much cannot be recreated well by anyone other than him.
Next was the Q&A portion, which remained fairly tame and sorta lame. Palahniuk was asked if he ever got tired of talking about Fight Club. (No). What his infamous fainting count from reading Guts was at (73, but he quit counting two years ago) and how he survived high school (he got a job like everyone else).
We got a couple more stories about a pug dog, a house painter and HIV and another about a friend who was attempting to lose a finger as a baggage handler at a New Jersey airport in order to get money to pursue a doctorate in French Lit. I’m fairly convinced someone about five rows up from me fainted as he described a finger hanging on to the hand by just the thinnest piece of sinew, stretching it out, hoping it would snap off. Can anyone confirm this? All I saw was the guy in the seat next to her looking frantic and trying to prop her back up.
Fans got to see the trailer for Choke, with Sam Rockwell and Anjelica Houston (who we were told was pissed about the pudding scene) and more blow-up doll competition and another giveaway – an autograph(ed) dog – an object of symbolism in Snuff.
But what may have been one of my favorite parts of the evening was heading to the diner down the street and watching as people casually carried blow-up dolls down Connecticut Avenue in the rain. It was a great show for fans of the writer and well worth the $30. If only every book reading was this interesting.
My gmail status currently reads “now has a blow-up doll and anal beads courtesy of Chuck Palahniuk.” Now she just needs a name.
Choke is being made into a movie?
Good Grief.
June 4, 2008 at 3:18 pmThank goodness! No one wants to move into “john foster” territory – haha. I was going to go with “Straight John” but then that instantly signifies that my column would lack a little something something that “Foster” seems to hold on to.
Nice review. I love the idea of the blow up dolls!
June 4, 2008 at 3:26 pmAfter the show waiting for the bus, I overheard this kid saying that some woman next to him fainted. he thought she was faking it at first
June 4, 2008 at 3:33 pmYou BYT asshats will rue the day you didn’t give me those free tickets to the show. RUE I say!
June 4, 2008 at 4:03 pmSeriously though, she needs a name.
June 4, 2008 at 4:05 pmI won tickets. I went. It was great. However, since my golden ticket was considered “comp” I didn’t receive a copy of the signed book nor the neat anal beads book marker. Which really kinda sucked. Half of my excitement for the event was the book, and signed one at that. I know I must sound like a whiny bitch but it was a bummer. I was grateful to go, but BYT should know the ticket winners were stiffed.
I did get a blow up doll though :)
June 4, 2008 at 4:25 pmAt his readings when he was promoting “Haunted” he threw fake severed limbs out into the audience.
June 4, 2008 at 4:38 pmI love Fight Club the movie but I couldn’t get through the book. I tried with a couple others and it just didn’t work. it’s like there’s this huge hole where the voiceover should be. Hearing him read from Loser was like “aaah that’s it. perfect” Palahniuk audio books for xmas please.
June 4, 2008 at 4:57 pm:( I wanted to go so bad. The movie version of Choke isn’t what I was getting from the book, but it’s gonna be hard to ruin that book.
June 5, 2008 at 1:17 pmYou know, I have to admit I was a little surprised and disappointed, or rather, surprised at being disappointed. I sat with Designer Erik and we kept looking at each other going “really?” I always thought that the “gross out” part of Palahniuk’s work was only a secondary characteristic, serving as a context and a vehicle for his more insightful observations. To see him focus so much on shock for shock’s sake during a reading kind of surprised me. (Fainting count? It’s cooler when you don’t talk about it, CP. Plus come on, most of those people are faking.)
Anyway: like most bands, the studio material’s better than the live show.
June 6, 2008 at 11:30 ami hate chuck palahniuk. i can actually sense him masturbating over every sentence he finishes.
June 16, 2008 at 10:47 am
o.O suddenly my byline includes a last name. i’ve moved into john foster territory.
June 4, 2008 at 3:01 pm