Words: Lord Jason
Photos: Jane Briggs
The tide is shifting, America*. Be forewarned! How many of you know that old song by Dire Straits(feat. Sting) in which they stated you could get your cash for practically nothing and your chicks for no money down, no interest, and no financing**? Well, the entire premise was this: if you, a lovably primitive CGI delivery-person, had spent the time as a youth learning to play the guitar, or learned to play them drums, you could have led a life of ease.
*And by America I mean BYT readers.
**subject to early termination penalties.
This truism no longer applies. The music industry is succumbing to the tides of new technology, but you can be the drummer, or singer, or guitarist, of a highly successful band without the fuss and muss of actually working for it. All you need is $100 bucks*** and an Xbox! Now you, your grandma, your drunk aunt, and your cousin that smells like Mountain Dew, Doritos, and hopelessness**** can form your own band and play the musical hits of today and yesterday.
***Only 15 hours of working at McDonalds! That afterschool job is really going to do you right. Plus, free Mcnuggets, yo.
****This actually smells like a 7-11 bacon cheeseburger taquito.
You dont need to be in a real band to be a little faggot with the ear-ring and the makeup.
The only thing lacking is the adoring fans and the roar of the crowd. So where Guitar Hero and live performance meet, we find its unholy offspring: the US Air Guitar Championship.
The idea is this each performer chooses 60 seconds of a song to play air guitar to, and then is judged on three categories: technical merit: stage presence, and airness. From the website: Airness is defined as the extent to which a performance transcends the imitation of a real guitar and becomes an art form in and of itself. An art; much in the same way that Tweety-ing is an art.
I went in fully expecting to not enjoy any of this. The Yngwie Malmsteen inside of me***** was put off immediately. The idea of a packed to the gills show with people cheering a bunch of losers pretending PRETENDING!!! BY GOD!!! to play the guitar really iced my latte. And the part of me that wasnt bitter and angry****** felt kind of sad for the performers. Where going to see a really great band is like watching the Olympics, going to see people play air guitar is like going to see the Special Olympics. And nothing makes me more uncomfortable than the cheering and heckling of retards who are essentially mimes without makeup. Well, SOME of them werent wearing makeup.
*****Not the best porno title, but it has a killer soundtrack.
******this part of me looks a lot like Renee Zellweiger in Appaloosa eating a lemon after crying all night during allergy season. Red, pinched and puffy.
But, goddam it, some of those retards can really put on a show!******* I wont bore you with the specifics, because frankly, who wants to hear me describe a 300 pound 19 year old ginger kid with the name of Juris Rocktor precariously jumping off a 10 foot high monitor and spraining both of his ankles, or the hypnotic waves of jiggling pale fat and visible crack of the blood red track-besuited Vlad DM Wailer?******** In the end, the night came down to two performers who embodied everything that is the afore mentioned airness the sage elder: The Shred, versus the enthusiastic youth: Sanjar the Destroyer.
******* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aJFSpkxjtY
(and when Im talking about retards, Im not talking about Corky in the middle, Im talking about the two other guys who look like managers at T.G.I. McShenanigans)
********Whats the deal with really fat guys who have dont have an ass? Please discuss.
They both embodied what is the essence of air guitarness unbridled passion and the appearance of technical proficiency. And, even after the final Boston medley air-off, which had the crowd sucking each others eyeballs out in fits of unbridled ecstasy, the Shred and Sanjar the Destroyer were tied. And so, for the first time (evidently), in the history of the US Air Guitar championships 2 performers were sent to the finals.
And now, Im going home to sell my SG, sign up for that NOVA class on the life of Marcel Marceau, and dream of the day I can be a little faggot millionaire with my own jet airplane. Money for Nothing, indeed.
In case you missed it…
1. great job
2. i miss jason writing for us more often
3. bjorn turoque is starting to look like the time on the road is taking its toll
4. i went in 2007 and loved it. have been a little afraid to return ever since.
hahahahaha.
i had to leave out a few photos with mysterious lumps, but i guess i missed that one. and you totally did not warn me about how scary this event is.
yeah – it was fun writing again.
In case you didn’t know, I’ve officially retired the Number One with a Bullet column. After almost 2 years of seeing the number one film every week, it really got to me.
After my last review, I just couldn’t bring myself to actually go to the movies anymore. It was like…JEESUS…as much as I love reviewing film, I just CANNOT bring myself to go the theater and actually sit and watch “17 Again”.
It finally took me down. But I had a good run.
June 2, 2009 at 11:24 amBJORN GOT MARRIED
:(
also, can we please talk about how badly that female judge needed to get laid
June 2, 2009 at 11:31 amomg, Alyssa, you’re such a sexist.
Jane, seriously, this is BYT, the more mysterious lumps the better… i wanna see the ones you didn’t post!!
as my ex-girlfriend told me last year when I shot this (http://www.brightestyoungthings.com/music/behind-the-scenes-6th-annual-air-guitar-championships/): “air guitar has to be one of the most profoundly UNsexy things a guy could possibly showcase.”
June 2, 2009 at 12:40 pmGood to see you guys got a write up posted. We thought you weren’t there and were profoundly disappointed. As usual, amazing pics.
Alyssa: That female judge proceeded to hang with us ALL night trying to hook up (she literally came home with us before we all just said we were going to sleep and see ya). Although we did get to tool around in her official military jeep.
Dakota: Its a good thing she is now you’re EX-girlfriend, cause if she doesn’t think air guitar is sexy, she doesn’t know squat.
June 2, 2009 at 1:52 pmDakota: your EX-girlfriend is a ho. STD’s final crowd surf was one of the sexiest things I’ve ever seen. I was a sceptic before the show, but now I’m obsessed.
June 2, 2009 at 2:01 pmI appreciate the coverage…I went last year and loved it but was away at my college reunion and missed the 2009 mayhem.
PS — I’m glad to see The Shred back in action after his ankle injury from last year.
June 2, 2009 at 2:39 pmThis was the best people-watching I’ve ever seen, that didn’t involve porn stars. I need to go see the finals now.
June 2, 2009 at 3:25 pmbig up’s to paul (fender splendor) for winning the Phili contest.
I was there. His “airness” is like seeing a unicorn.
June 2, 2009 at 4:31 pmThis really was the best air guitar competition i have been at in the last 3 years. Amazing routines from top to bottom, and the ending was just as epic as it gets. Great write-up and pics guys.
June 2, 2009 at 9:45 pmno, but dakota, seriously!!!
she literally said things like “I would go unprotected with you” to the contestants, and scored people on how hot they were. she also said she had never heard the who. way to judge a music competition. it was funny at first until we all realized she was serious!!
give that lady some pOON
also, STD, fender splendour, bjorn, that blonde dude with the beard, and that dude who had the black mullet wig were all supremely sexy…
i am disappointed by the lack of lil’ shreddie photos.
but this can be mended at the finals on august 7th :)
I would just like to say that my father is “The Shred,” and he better win the finals because the man needs to retire.
He is going to have a heart attack at some point on stage if this continues for years to come.
Oh, and helloooo Alyssa :)
June 2, 2009 at 11:46 pm
Great photos, great writeup!
June 2, 2009 at 10:41 am…
there is an awfully mysterious looking lump in the leopard pants directly above, is there not?