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“Sorry, you can’t have an air backup band, but you can get your air roadie to turn your amp up to 11″

Bjorn Turoqe, the self-declared ambassador of Air Guitar, hosted the (sold out!) regional competition of the 5th Annual Air Guitar Championships at the 9:30 Club Wednesday night. Bjorn, who has competed in the world championships in Finland three times, explained the rules.

Round 1, each contestant plays air guitar for 60 seconds to a song of their choosing. The top 5 then move on to Round 2, where they will have to improv to an unknown song (which in this case was Boston’s “We’ve Had Such a Good Time”). The winner moves on to NYC to compete in the US championship and get’s a guitar they don’t know how to play.

Everyone is rated on technical merit, stage presence, and “airness”, which is defined as ‘the extent to which a performance transcends the imitation and becomes an art form in and of itself’, or as Bjorn says “it’s like porno; you know it when you see it.”

Huh?

We met backstage with a number of contestants before the show for some quick interviews…

The Ginger Kid

BYT: How long have you been practicing?

Ginger Kid: Ever since I saw “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”, Wyld Stallyns is my favorite band and they’re not even real

BYT: Is this your first time performing

Ginger Kid: First time performing air guitar, but I’m in an air band as the air singer.

BYT: Think you’re gonna win tonight?

Ginger Kid: You know, I’m just putting it all out on the line in the name of rock, that’s what it’s all about, it’s not about winning or losing, it’s about…

BYT: pretending to play the game

6 String General

BYT: So the rumor going around backstage is that a few people are a little nervous competing against you…

The General: I guess so man, but that’s how I prefer it

BYT: Do you think that’s just the persona of the general, or is it based on past performances, or what?

The General: I think it’s a little bit the persona, and a lot of it is the publicity man, I just attract all the attention cause I’m bad ass and I’m sexy

BYT: Uh huh, and what song will you be doing tonight?

The General: Rock You Like a Hurricane

BYT: Any secret moves or special maneuvers?

The General: Oh yeah, my secret move is called The Hump Jump. And I’m just gonna leave it at that.

BYT: Joel, make sure we get pictures of The Hump Jump

The Doctor

BYT: So are you performing to Dr. Feelgood?

The Doctor: Actually I’m doing “Fly By Night” by Rush

BYT: Very classy

The Doctor: Yeah, I told my brother about the contest, and the first thing he said was ‘you’re a total loser’ and then I told him I was doing “Fly By Night” by Rush and he was like ‘I love you’

BYT: Pretty much any Rush fan will warmly embrace anything about another Rush fan. Are you a real musician?

The Doctor: I play guitar, bass, and ukulele

BYT: Do you bring the real guitar skills into it?

The Doctor: Well to practice I learned to play the song, so I usually bring a little of the actual skills into the performance.

BYT: So if we slid a guitar into your hands tonight would we actually hear the song?

The Doctor: A very, very bad version of it

Glitzkrieg, Glam Rocker from the Hinterland

BYT: Oh my. What will you be playing tonight?

Glitzkrieg: I’m doing something by Queen, ya, a song called Crazy I Am, that’s right

BYT: Is this your first time competing?

Glitzkrieg: I vas actually born competing, I came out ze womb, and my mother said why does that hurt so bad, and ze doctor said ‘I zink he has un air guitar’

The Masturbating Booger

BYT: Is this your first time competing?

Masturbating Booger: First time competing yes, I usually just do it in the shower or in my bedroom

BYT: What song are you doing tonight?

Masturbating Booger: Iron Maiden’s “Fear of the Dark”

BYT: So do you have it all planned out or is there any improv?

Masturbating Booger: I have certain spots where I must do certain things, like a high kick, for it to work, but in between, there is a little improv

Blurred Knuckles

BYT: So is there any rivalry between the veteran air guitar players like yourself, and some of these newbies, you know ‘back in my day air guitar meant something’…

Blurred Knuckles: No, no, for me, air guitar, the performance of it, has been a very individualized pursuit, I’ve never been worried about what other folks are doing, how they’re perceiving it, how they’re reacting. They’re expressing themselves as they’re going to express themselves, more power to them. I’m not here to compete, I’m not here to be a better showman, I’m here to play. Believe it or not, I’m dead serious, I’m here to play.

BYT: But, I mean, it would be nice if you did win

Blurred Knuckles: I’ve got a funny feeling… that me playing… the way I want to… will set too high a mark for anyone. The best guitar players, when they’re soloing, they have such a familiarity with their instrument, it’s an expression. The best thing I can do, I think, to approach this, is to try to reach that same peak, as best as I can, even though I don’t have a guitar.

(click any pic to zoom in)

Bjorn Turoqe (center), the ambassador of Air Guitar

RT “The Rock n’ Roll Soul Man” (left) won extra airness points for playing Jimi Hendrix left handed and Boston right handed

My personal favorite performer of the night, Grogon the Goat Man, made it to the Top 5 but was eventually beaten out by The Shred. I followed up with him the next day to get his feelings on the show.

Grogon: My hooves clacked on the balcony of the famous Washington DC 9:30 Club. Below me 1200 air heads thronged in the faux fog. I was number 16.

“Grogan” said my friend, “You were born with air in your hands”

“…this is what you came to do.”

As a satyr I am a conduit for rock energy from the center of the universe. I am but the door way and air guitar is the door jam that holds it open.

I took the stage and brought down my air guitar from the ether. Cognition had ceased, it was time to air. I flew into a serious of viscous metal moves and approached the crowd in preparation for my signature, “The Dragon”. When I laid it out, the crowd became suspended in the rock energy that flowed forth from my unwholesome finger jams. I threw my air guitar into the air, ran, dove, slid, and nailed the power chord. In that moment I ceased to be man or goat, in that moment, with the air in my hands, with the air of the simultaneous cry of 1200 mortals… I was a Rock God.In the finals I was top seed, but I fell to “The Shred”, and no better man could I ask to lose to. Were the judges biased? Was the crowed manipulated? Did I fail to wail? Is the Shred that good?

I didn’t win. I won’t be going on to the nationals in New York. I won’t represent team USA. But I do know this: For one moment, for just one moment, I was There, and the crowd was There, and that inner goat dream was There, for one moment I was rock and roll, for one moment I was living the dream of every back seat air guitarist everywhere, and if you were There then you knew it too. And that is air guitar, and no fame or prize money could replace that, and I wouldn’t trade what happened for anything.

But know this, the Goat Man was born with air in his hands, and when that cosmic rock door opens again, he’ll be standing on the door step.

In a power stance.

In the meantime, relish the rest of the madness.

Aristotle (left) was promptly booed off the stage, while Couch Potato (right) was a crowd favorite

Mad props to Fender Splendor (right) for doing a medly of Michael Jackson’s Beat It and Daft Punk’s Aerodynamic (!) all while wearing a fanny pack.

The guy on the left was a middle school principal (for real), and while I applaud his effort, he was no Jack Black

The winner: The Shred with his signature covering of the eyes move

And the show ended with everyone on stage for Freebird. No I am not making that up.

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