It had to have been fate when I walked into DC9 two years ago wearing my Dead Kennedys t-shirt and saw a nerdy white dude from New York City wearing glasses and a black suit rapping about having dinner with Jello Biafra. My band, Death By Sexy, was supposed to play the show with them, but the booking agent thought that two dudes with laptops was a better fit for the show. Little did that booking agent know that my band and this rapper, Schaffer the Darklord, would go on to tour all over the country together, and become BFFs. In anticipation of his upcoming show at the third annual Counter Culture festival, to be held all day on Saturday, January 19th at Dr. Dremo’s in Arlington, VA, and in celebration of his new CD release, Mark of the Beast, I sat down with STD and talked about everything from losing an AVN (Adult Video News) award to Snoop Dogg, to the perils of independent touring, to this thing that they call Nerdcore Rap.

Brightest Young Things: So, where in the world does a white dude from Iowa who plays drums in a noise punk band get the idea to start rapping?
Schaffer the Darklord: I was in an unfortunately named band in college called Bottledog for ten years. We did the same thing that a lot of goofy self-indulgent bands do to crack themselves up, we spent an afternoon with a four track and we made a fake rap song. Like “Ha-ha-ha! This is sooooo funny! Ha-Ha-HA!” Of course, the stuff that we did was really, really terrible, but I think I secretly enjoyed it a LOT more than the other guys. It started as a joke, but as soon as I got a taste for it I would come home from my job at the porn shop and record rap songs on a four track under the name Syphilis Bill. It was this secret addiction I had that I was embarrassed as hell about.

BYT: So then after college you moved to San Francisco?
STD: Yeah, when I moved to San Francisco I met this young rapper named Katastrophe. We got together because…well, he’s transgendered and when I met him his name was Kassie, and then he transitioned to being a male and his name became Rocco but his rap name was always Katastrophe. He was interested in rapping but didn’t know anything about making beats and I knew about making beats and recording songs but didn’t have any experience doing rap shows. The only thing I’d ever done was play drums in a couple of rock bands. He was deeply entrenched in the SF queer art scene so we got commissioned to make music for a lesbian porno movie.

Since my act has frequently been met with indignation from hip hop purists, I’ve created my own term to describe what I do. Instead of assuming the label of “rapper,” I prefer to call myself a “rappist.” (Please note the two “p’s.”)

BYT: What was the name of the movie?
STD: Sugar High Glitter City. It was the sequel to a film called How to Fuck in High Heels, which actually won the AVN award for best all-girl feature. And this was unbelievable because it’s an industry where all-girl porn is made by men in Los Angeles and not by a couple of lesbians in San Francisco. They were total fuckin’ underdogs and they won. So Sugar High Glitter City was the big sequel to this, and they came to Rocco and said, “You’re a rapper, do some raps for us.”, and he was like, “I need beats.” So we got together and made some songs for them. The movie was terrible, but we got nominated for an AVN award for best song from a feature. We lost to Snoop Dogg.

BYT: Well, I guess if you have to lose to someone, it might as well be Snoop. Were you still going under the name of Syphilis Bill at the time?
STD: Well when I was in Syphilis Bill…I’m talking about it like it was a band, it was just me. But Syphilis Bill was the name of the fake rap group, and the concept was how they were bragging about being badass because they were inches from death from having so many sexually transmitted diseases. And they all had wonderful names like MC Sick Stupid and MC Eat A Dick. I used the same voice for all of them, and the only way you would know it was a different rapper was when I would say their name, “I’m MC Sick Stupid. All right. I’m MC Eat A Dick. All right.” And one of those names was MC STD. Which I thought was hilarious.

BYT: Yes. That is hilarious.
STD: I know, right? And I somehow had delusions of grandeur, and I thought “In the future, I’m going to rap my back catalogue, so I’m going to have to stick with one of these names.” So when Rocco and I started a rap group called End of the World(http://myspace.com/theendoftheworldsf) that’s the name I used. And every show MC STD stood for something different. Eventually we each decided to go solo, and Schaffer the Darklord was the name I chose. I wanted to be a little snappier onstage, so I started obsessively going to stand-up open mics to try to develop a routine that I could do in between songs. Then I melded the rapping and the comedy together.

I wrote this song for people who are obsessed with cats. However, this song is not ABOUT cats. It’s about people who are obsessed with cats, especially those with the ability to actually transform into cats. I know it sounds crazy, but since I’ve seen it happen, I can assure you that it IS crazy.

BYT: I know from personal experience that I love a bile-spewing review from someone in the press who hates something, and you seem to inspire a certain brand of hatred from people who are into “real” hip-hop. You have any favorite quotes that really stick in your head?
STD: I just blogged about this guy from the Portland Mercury, who said, “Schaffer the Darklord is easily dismissible as a talentless piece of shit doing a modern-day blackface routine for the amusement of white audiences.”

BYT: I love that!
STD: Yeah, that’s pretty great. Another guy wrote, “Asking me to enjoy Schaffer the Darklord’s act is like asking me to applaud watching my mother get raped onstage.”

BYT: That’s choice. Why do you think those guys hate you so much? Do you think it’s because you’re a white rapper who doesn’t try to act like he’s black?
STD: What I find ironic about it is that the thing that they’re bitching about is the kind of rap act that I also despise. And I guess if they see a white guy who’s rapping and getting laughs, immediately that means parody. That they’re making fun of rap music. And I’ve never done anything to goof on hip-hop. It should be pretty clear that I love it. The content just happens to be jokes, but not at the expense of hip-hop. And I know the type of goofy white guys that are making fun of rap music they’re talking about, because I’ve played with one of these bands in every state in the country. And I fucking loathe and despise that, too. I guess there’s just something about me adding my sense of humor that makes them lose theirs. They seem to forget the origins of hip-hop were songs telling stories that were filled with humor. Slick Rick. Run DMC. The point was to crack up your friends. And if it doesn’t have a “real message” and if I’m not like, “Oh…I’m digging deep into my painful life experience” then somehow I have no validity.

BYT: You’re kind of known for touring all over the place. You’ve mentioned to me a few times that when going out on long tours people get different personas, your’s being Schaffer the Tourlord. What’s you’re favorite Tourlord story?
STD: Oh…crabble. The thing that makes those kinds of moments so special is when you really get “road crazy”. That’s when all the best stuff happens. Your sense of social grace starts deteriorating: “AH! I’M IN A RESATURANT! WHOOPEEE!” It’s not because you’re a crazy rock’n’roll guy, it’s just cause tour is such a false sense of reality. The best stories from those moments just happen in the total abyss of madness. I’ve made some really poor decisions about driving, places to stay. Perhaps saying the wrong thing to the locals.

BYT: Yeah, there was that time in Iowa when we were all too drunk to drive and you got pulled over, failed the breathalyzer, somehow talked your way out of getting arrested, and then talked the cop into letting us drive away. That’s some Return of the Jedi shit right there.
STD: These are not the droids you’re looking for.

BYT: Exactly. Well, now that we’re on the subject of Star Wars and all things nerdly, let’s talk about Nerdcore Rap. What is it, and where do you think you fit in with that?
STD: Well, because of the internet, a lot of musically challenged computer nerds have found a community and a way to create something they might not have done before. I’m just using generalizations, some of them HAVE been in bands before, but most of them have not. Its such a fringe genre of music, and there’s a such small percentage of it that I consider pretty dazzling, and the ones who are really amazing at what they do, they stand out so strongly against the rest of the flock. Like MC Frontalot (www.frontalot.com ), the godfather of Nerdcore who is credited with coining the term, also, MC Lars (www.mclars.com/ )is doing this smart, funny, hyper-literate kind of thing. Nerdcore came along and created this Internet movement, and dozens of MCs started popping up everywhere. And most of its not very good. I got excited when I heard the term Nerdcore, “This is like a description of what I do…they rap about science fiction, horror movies, and computers, and they’re nerds! This is great! Hey guys! Me too!” But I have really had a hard time getting any attention from them. And it really kind of pissed me off. Cause I was like, how is it I can’t make any headway? I mean gimme a break, there’s only like 3 dozen of us!

For nearly two millennia, fundamental Christians have justified countless atrocities by believing they will be judged favorably when Jesus Christ makes his much-hyped return. Imagine their horror when the son of God DOES return, but as an undead, brain-hungry ghoul hell-bent on extracting vengeance on his self-righteous flock.

BYT: Yeah, I don’t get it either.
STD: Well, technically speaking, by the actual criteria of the genre, I’m not a Nerdcore rapper.

BYT: Why not?
STD: Well, I don’t rap about computer programming, I don’t play video games.

BYT: Except for Guitar Hero.
STD: Well, just that one. I’ve never, ever played Dungeons & Dragons, so I can’t rap about it.

BYT: True.
STD: Oh, and in high school, I got laid.

BYT: Speaking of getting laid and nerds, you have a song called Nerd Lussst.
STD: That song is me totally pandering to my audience.

BYT: Well, a significant number of your fans are nerdy girls. Why do you think that is?
STD: I have noticed that over the years that the people who return to my shows, or buy merch at my shows, or send me messages or comments on myspace are far, FAR and away mostly women. I have a theory about that. I think…well…my songs have lots of words in them.

BYT: Well, a lot of rap songs have a lot of words in them.
STD: True, but they don’t have narratives. A lot of rap songs have general premise, then there’s a list of things that kind of meet that criteria…this is kind of funny because that’s exactly what kind of song Nerd Lussst is, by the way…but a lot of my favorite rap songs are stories. There are three acts, there’s kind of a setup, and sometimes a twist at the end. When I was a kid in the Midwest and watching MTV, my favorite songs would have a story and take you on a little journey.

Through use of modern means of communication like email, tex t and instant messaging, our generation is slowly slaughtering the once beautiful English language. As a result, our speech is now littered with improper grammar, invented words and unnecessary acronyms. Seriously, people…wtf?!

BYT: Like Paul Revere or I Left My Wallet In El Segundo.
STD: Great examples. And that’s what I wanted to do. And I have a theory that guys…we’re kind of simple creatures. I mean, we appreciate things, but we get distracted, and we might catch a few things, a few jokes and think it’s kind of funny. But women! And I’m not just saying this. Women read more than men. They buy and read more novels. And I think they just appreciate the narrative quality of my songs more than men. I mean, it’s gotta be that. It’s certainly not my raw sexuality.

BYT: Well, don’t sell yourself short there.
STD: (laughs) Well that song, Nerd Lussst…I’d like to pretend that I haven’t fetishized them, but oh god, I do love nerdy women.

BYT: Speaking of girls, you have always promised me two things whenever you have set up a show with our bands: drugs and loose women. How come you rarely deliver on this promise, and how come I always believe you?
STD: You know why you believe? It’s because you WANT to. For an adult doing this independent rock thing, drugs and loose women are our equivalent of Santa Claus. It’s like, “Oh boy! Tonight’s gonna be the night!” And then when it doesn’t happen you’re like, “You fuckin’ lied to us.” And then I say, “Yeah, sorry it didn’t happen. But…tomorrow in Chicago!” And you’re like, “Really? That’s awesome! Yay!”. I mean, its cause you want to believe. A child is logical enough to realize Santa Claus is bullshit, but you just want to believe anyways.

BYT: Final question: I know you’ve performed Cat People forever. You ever get sick of it?
STD: Sick to fucking tears. But if I play a show and crowd hates me I can play that song and win them over. And if I’m playing to a crowd that knows me someone will inevitably request it. I say I’m not gonna play it, but if someone requests it, I’m so flattered that they know it, I play it anyway. I know its cliché, but if the crowd gets into it, then the song becomes fun.

BYT: Does it? Does it really?
STD: Yeah, the people kind of like it. You should come to one of my shows sometime and see.
BYT: I plan to. I heard you’re great.

As much as I hate to admit it, I have a “type.” Every time I meet a woman with a high I.Q., a pair of spectacles and a fevered interest in zombie movies, my cold, black heart starts pounding out the Imperial March from Star Wars. Sigh…

Catch Schaffer the Darklord at the Counter Culture festival, to be held all day on Saturday, January 19th at Dr. Dremo’s in Arlington, VA.

http://www.schafferthedarklord.com/