For nine years now Chad America has DJed his Valentine’s Day Rock Party at the Cat, with help form DJs Glen and Max. It is an institution, to say the least. If anyone was ever going to be our feature on Valentine’s Day it was going to be Chad, so we had the men make us a playlist (scroll below) and (naively) we sent Michael to ask some probing questions. This is what we got back-Svetlana

Interview:
(Conducted via MySpace:)

Dude, it’s like a single degree out there. I’m not coming to the Cat. I have whiskey here, and I have a bed, and books. So hows about I just send you some random questions as they pop into my head (further questions will be based on what I think you will say so don’t read ahead) then you can reply to these questions and send them back, then if I have any more then I can send those, and so on and so forth almost like we’re having a real conversation, except that’s gay, so just imagine the questions are really just grunts and pointing at hot chick’s asses and you answer them like you were working on a carburetor and/or chopping wood…real manly stuff. OK?

BYT: Who are you and why should anyone come out in the (now very cold) and listen to you and your friends DJ? (And speaking of now very cold, what happened to the spring-weather of last week?)(Kindly answer the first part first and the second part second):
CA: I’m Chad America, and quite frankly, most people probably shouldn’t come and listen to us DJ in any type of weather. If you’ve never been to our party, please don’t show up expecting some sort of slick dance night. We play Doo Wop, R&B and rock and roll from the 50’s and 60’s.
We emphasize drunken debauchery over any sort of perceived professionalism. You can expect dropped needles, skipping CDs, awkward pauses and lots of shots. As for the weather, I say global
warming is to blame.

BYT: Ok, so you are a bartender at that hipster hang-out The Black Cat. How does that qualify you to be a DJ?
CA: It doesn’t. After 9 years, I still don’t know how to use a mixer.

BYT: Exactly. It doesn’t. (like how I can read minds? Michael) So since you aren’t a DJ, how did you get a DJ night at a hipster bar when there are hundreds of other douchebags who would love to get some hipster cred by DJing at the Black Cat?
CA: Well, we’ve been doing this for 9 years, which predates most of these current dance nights. Back then [at the old Black Cat], we had what was called “couch nights” Basically if the Black Cat had a dark night, they would let someone come and play some records. For the most part, this wasn’t pro DJs, just folks from the community who wanted to share their music collection. At the time, Glenn and I were door guys at the club and we said, “Hey, let us throw a party on Valentine’s Day!” and they were totally like, “Okay!” It went pretty well and we’ve been doing it ever since. So, to answer your question I got a DJ night because I work there. I believe its called nepotism.

BYT: In your myspace picture (http://www.myspace.com/chadamerica) you have two heads. Explain that to your readers.
CA: One of the heads belongs to my son Clark. He’s sitting on my shoulders.

BYT: Ok, so you’re a bartending married DJ with a kidling from Mississippi- which has more of an influence on your musical tastes?
CA: First of all, I’m not a DJ. Secondly, I don’t think kidling is a word. Honestly, I don’t think any of the things you mention have influenced my taste in music. I guess bartending at the Black Cat has turned me off to a lot of music. When you see bands every night, you start to realize that most of them suck.

BYT: I agree with that last statement as readers of BYT are quite familiar with my most common phrase (________ fucking sucks). Did you ever play Skynard or Creedence really loud when your wife
was pregnant to kind of subtly influence your unborn seed? If not Skynard or Creedence, what did you play?
CA: I fucking hate CCR. I know this is an unpopular position to take, but fuck ‘em. I grew up on the bayou, those guys are just a bunch of hot shot fakers. Also, I just don’t like their songs. Skynyrd’s cool.

I don’t care how trite it is, Freebird fucking rocks. When my wife was pregnant, I liked to play Slayer. For some reason, he’s now really into the Strokes.

BYT: This is like a 10 part question: What’s your favorite passive-aggressive technique for ensuring douchebags don’t come back to you for ordering drinks? What drink will you lie and say you can’t make (don’t say Lemon Drop) even though you have all the ingredients? Also: Jameson, Bushmills, or Makers Mark?

CA:
a.) I like to smile, thank them, then mutter some expletives after they’ve walked away. This technique never works for some reason.
b.) Jager Bombs are for douche bags. Also, I won’t make nipply fruit tooters.
c.) Jameson’s

(feeding beer to a pig. being on vacation is just like being at work!)

BYT: You like some pretty gay music like Erasure and Abba. Will you be playing any Erasure or Abba?
CA: I had to look up Erasure to see if I actually like them (I do.) Abba I could take or leave. If I’m gonna go off format it’s more likely to be Freedom Ninety by George Michael.

BYT: Why is Max so gosh-darn attractive?
CA: Because he doesn’t shower.

BYT: There are bands playing on the Backstage the same time you are DJing. Are you going to have a volume war if they suck and drown them out?
CA: I know for a fact that the Shirks are the best rock band in DC right now. That being said, I still plan to drown them out.

BYT: If, for some godforsaken reason, you have the following groups of people come in and request songs of you, how will you ensure cool people like me stay, and they have to leave. Give your best “get the fuck out of here” response tailored to each group:
A: Drunk sorority girls celebrating a bachelorette party:

CA: Look, I’d love to give you a custom response for each of these groups, but I’m just not that clever. So even though I think that drunk sorority girls are a fucking disease, bachelorette parties are usually fucking gay, any man wearing an open toed shoe anytime needs to fucking die, and people should keep their politics to themselves, my response to their witless requests will pretty much be the same:

I’ll smile politely and tell them that I already played that Flo Rida song. Probably while they were out smoking.

BYT: If someone shows up to your DJ night and they have a bad time (but they’re still pretty cool as people) what would you say to get them to come back and give you money for pouring them drinks on some other night (I mean you are kind of a big scary dude, not at all approachable like that adorable Patrick guy).
CA: Am I really that scary? Patrick is the one that’s mean. Seriously, if someone has a bad time it won’t be because of something we did.

(Unless it’s some sort of collar popping, bachelorette celebrating, open toe shoe wearing, politicizing motherfucker who’s all bent out of shape because I wouldn’t play their dumb requests, and those assholes can eat a bag of dicks.) So if they wanna hold their bad time against me, maybe they aren’t really that cool. And if that’s the case, Fuck ‘em.

BYT: If you have balloons at your night and if people start stepping on them and popping them will I get thrown out if I punch them in their faces?
CA: I don’t think there are going to be any balloons. So why don’t you punch the people who get drunk and bump the DJ table (i.e. Glenn?)

BYT: This is a video of a dog screwing a duck. http://www.break.com/index/dog-humps-a-duck.html

CA: I’d just like to say that our ultimate goal is just to have an awesome party. We’re not really pro- or anti-Valentine’s Day. If you have a date this is a good time. Especially if you’re broke (and in love.) If you don’t have date, this is still a good time. The music is rock, the drinks are strong and who knows? Maybe you’ll get lucky just like that dog that fucked that duck.

(Michael, you better include a link or something to that video or that last line won’t make any sense.)

—
So there you have it. Chad America’s 9th Annual Valentine’s Day (Night) Rock and Roll Dance Party. If you haven’t been then you should come. It’s the only night you’ll see the Red Room turned into a DJ booth. Just don’t get drunk and bump the DJ table or you’ll get punched in the face. And you can screw all the dogs you want and no one will care (but they will judge, this is DC after all: the city that loves to believe it’s hedonistic but which has the heart and sanctimony of conservatism. Don’t believe me? Just wait to see the horrified faces if someone shows some tit).

AND FOR WHAT YOU WILL ACTUALLY HEAR THERE, LOOK NO FURTHER THEN HERE:

Quiet Whiskey -Wynonie Harris
This song is a perennial favorite of ours. It is an ode to Gettin’ the Party Started that opens with a special rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star:
Whiskey, Whiskey, on the shelf
You were so quiet there by yourself
Things were fine ’til they took you down
Opened you up, and passed you ’round
I don’t think we’ve ever DJ’d an event and not played this song

Give Him a Great Big Kiss -the Shangri-Las
When I say I’m in love,
You best believe I’m in love, L-U-V!
So opens “Great Big Kiss” by the Shangri-Las, queens of teenage melodrama you can dance to. With his “hair a little too long,” “pants a little too tight” and “dirty fingernails,” the guy in this track is the ultimate juvenile delinquent chick magnet. He’s “good-bad but he’s not evil.”

Run Around Sue -Dion
Goody Goody -Frankie Lymon
These songs are to make it clear that we aren’t catering solely to lovey-dovey couples. While it’s not exactly a deep cut, “Run Around Sue” is a great up-tempo heartbreak song about the girl who wouldn’t stay true. Goody Goody on the other hand is all about that wonderful feeling you get when the person who did you wrong gets what’s coming to them.

Rocket 88 -Ike Turner
Originally credited to “Jackie Brenston and his Delta Cats”, a band that did not actually exist, many people consider this to be the first ever Rock & Roll song. It’s still one of the best.

Think Twice (Version X) -Jackie Wilson & Laverne Baker
Many artists recorded explicit “alternate lyrics” versions of songs for fun, the type of thing that could be traded throughout the industry or bootlegged for stag parties, but would never find its way onto jukeboxes or the radio. One such example is “Think Twice,” a collaboration between LaVerne Baker and Jackie Wilson that advises against calling Laverne Baker a dirty whore.

Sweet Little Sixteen -Chuck Berry
Teenage girls are hot. Chuck Berry certainly thought so, as evidenced by this song as well as others such as “Little Queenie.” He also who was infamously arrested and charged under the Mann Act (aka the White Slavery Trafficking Act) for his involvement with a 14-year old girl. Okay, maybe the guy who brought us “My Ding-A-Ling” is a bit of a pervert, but also check out Sam Cooke’s “Only Sixteen” or more to the point Andre Williams’ “Jail Bait.” Even “16 Candles” by the Crests, while it may sound innocent enough, is just another ode to underage girls.

Who Do You Love? -Bo Diddley
Bo Diddley makes a convincing case for himself in his song “(I’m the) Greatest Lover in the World” but he really puts it out there in this track.
I walk 47 miles of barb-wire
I use a cobra snake for a necktie
I got a brand new house on the roadside
Built from rattlesnake hides
It’s got a brand new chimney built on top
Made out of human skulls
Now come on take a little walk with me, Arlene
And tell me Who Do You Love?
I’m guessing Arlene loves Bo.

Best Part of Breakin’ Up -The Ronnettes
All Grown Up -The Crystals
Phil Spector may be bat-shit crazy, and yes, he probably murdered a woman not too long ago, but behind the mixing boards the man was a certified genius. These are two great examples of his brilliance. In “Best part of Breakin’ Up” the Ronnettes actually look forward to a lover’s quarrel because they know it will lead to some hot make-up action. In “All Grown Up” the Crystals look forward to their seventeenth birthday when they can start going on dates. Too bad they’ll be to old For Chuck Berry and Andre Williams by then.

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