you know, for a big old queen, jim graham sure isn’t much fun.

I really hate the Irish.

So a couple hours late for work and I’m back to my promise: dealing with this asshole. No, I’m not in his ward, no, I don’t really set off fireworks on the 4th, and sorry, BYT, but bottle rockets are already banned in DC.

So my concern is with Mr. Graham and his nanny-state ideology, followed closely by his idiot public information officer’s poorly put-together release.

First of all, I couldn’t really tell from the press release exactly what would be banned. From a reading:

“The bill requires a permit for the display of fireworks and provides a civil penalty for illegal possession or use. ”

Ok. Uh, dumbass, what is a “firework” then? Later he describes what is currently allowed (briefly) and currently banned. He mentiones that sparklers are allowed currently, so let’s assume (and we have to, given the shit-wipe that is this press release) that Mr. Graham wants to ban sparklers.

Sparklers.

You know, the little stick that gives you same effect as striking a stone with a stone, or rolling the cylinder of a lighter over the flint (that’s how they work in case you didn’t know) repeatedly.

Sparklers.

Now let me tell you this: I recently held a sparkler outside the Black Cat. Someone gave it to me. Images of childhood flooded me. I lit it. And…

I was underwhelmed. This wasn’t the sparkler of my youth. This wasn’t the fire stick you had to hold at arms length with your head turned just enough in the opposite direction to keep the sparks from out of your eyes, but so you could still see the thing. This wasn’t the thing that spewed sparks all over your arm and gave you tiny little pin-prick burns on your already burned summer skin. This was in no way the sparkler you could wave in circles and make pictures with, or tape upside down to a bottle rocket stick, then light the sparkler, then the sparkles would ignite the bottle rocket and would fly (you’d hope) and make the coolest display that you could get from the pharmacy (That’s right, pharmacys used to sell fireworks - imagine that).

This was just…lame. Now they don’t spark. If you twirled it around it would blow out, and all the used up sparkle stuff didn’t fall away, leaving a red hot metal stick you could brand your friends with, but it stuck there, like some dried up gray worm.

I was really, really underwhelmed.

And it is this hollowed shell of the former greatness that Mr. BowTie wants to ban.

Is he serious? Apparently so. The list of things already banned is as follows: bottle-rockets, firecrackers, cherry bombs, roman candles and fireworks with a side fuse.

Apparently allowed are: fountains and sparklers less than 20 inches.

Ignoring the obvious dick joke what Mr. Graham says “disturb the peace and order in our neighborhoods” and “lead[s] to injuries” are sparklers and little sparkle fountains.

Yes, these toys for the 5-9 year old set, these little glowing sticks of patriotism are disturbing the peace and order in neighborhoods! Everything else is already banned in the District.

So I ask: has your peace ever been disturbed by a sparker? Are they keeping you up at night? Do they inspire fear? Are you intimidated by children waving them about for their 15 seconds of life? Would you be intimidated by anyone, even a grown-assed man waving one?

I thought so.

Now that we’ve deconstructed his not-so-cleverly worded press release banning “fireworks” when what he means are “sparklers,” and shown him to be the idiot he is, let’s move on to the next order of business: Illogical Construct.

“In 2005, an estimated 10,800 people were treated in U.S. emergency rooms for fireworks-related injuries. During the months surrounding Independence Day, about 45% of the injuries were sustained by children 14 years and younger.”

Ok. Let’s just take these at face value. But Mr. Graham, fireworks are already banned in DC. What’s left are sparkers and fountains. What percentage of these 10,800 people suffered injuries due to sparklers (or fountains)?

“According to the National Fire Protection Association and the Center for Disease Control, the safest way to enjoy fireworks is to leave fireworks displays to professionals. ”

To prove his point, Mr. Graham tells us that: “As many of you are already aware, a 7-year old boy was injured this past weekend in Columbia Heights when a firecracker exploded near his face.”

Point? Firecrackers are already banned in DC. So your further ban on the innocuous sparkler would have done nothing to save this little kid’s face because the little kid was already in posession of a banned explosive.

So Mr. Graham, now is the time when I trump your 7 year old boy injured by a (banned) firecracker, and turn on its head your argument that they’re safer when deployed by professionals:

“Eleven people were injured Wednesday night when fireworks went into a crowd in Vienna, VA…The crowd was watching the public show near Vienna Elementary School. A mortar in a box that contained about 25 ignited and exploded, which triggered the others to ignite.

One shot horizontally into the crowd, hurting 11 spectators, including seven children. Two suffered life-threatening injuries, News4’s John Friess reported.”

So much for that argument.

Well I have better things to do now this is off my chest. But I am also curious about Mr. Graham’s staff. Who are they? Who supports Mr. SensitivePants? How do they live with themselves?

Fucking sparklers?

And here, gentle reader, is the face of the type of person who destroys the peace and order in your neighborhood:

http://math.gmu.edu/~rgoldin/Images/SparklerBigi.jpg